Title: Mangled Spells and Girly Bits, Part 1
Author: Lit Gal
Concrit: PLEASE!! E-mail or in LJ response
Rating: eventually NC-17
Disclaimer: They're owned by people who don't know how to play with them.
Warnings: eventually het, probably bondage
Summary: A whole bunch of fic girls with puppy eyes ganged up on me just because I left girl!Xander in evil!Spike's clutches...well, that and I had no sex. So, here is part one of "Girly Bits" which will make no sense until you go read "Mangled Spells and Manly Bits"
Xander stumbled off the plane and would have fallen if long tentacles hadn’t reached out to steady her until she could get her thankfully simple dress untangled.
“Oi, hands off mate,” Spike threw down a couple of bags and then jumped out of the cargo hold himself.
“So sorry, just helping,” offered the demon working the plane and the tentacles withdrew beneath the uniform leaving a human-looking worker. Xander felt Spike’s arm slip around her waist, and she found it almost comforting. Of course over the last many hours that arm had been the only thing keeping her from decorating the inside of a jet’s cargo hold with her own blood, so that might actually account for the comforting aspect of his hold. Spike shouldered the two bags, and guided her around various service people toward the main building.
“So, are you going to tell me where we are or have we reached the game show portion of the festivities?” Xander asked once they’d left the demon behind and entered a large steel and glass building bustling with people.
“You bloody Americans, you really don’t know anythin’ about the rest of the world.”
“Hey, never expected to live long enough to see anything past Los Angeles,” Xander retorted. “So, glass and steel would rule out Africa, right?”
“And what exactly does Africa look like in your imagination?” Spike snorted.
“Grass huts and spears, right?” Xander said as she studied the signs. ‘Stationnement’ one sign announced, and Xander wondered why the French word for parking lot should have stuck in her mind. At least, that’s what she thought it meant. Spike had been silent a little too long, so she turned to see the vampire looking at her with open shock.
“Mud huts and shields?” she tried with a straight face.
“Bloody Americans. I soddin’ well hope you’re jokin’ pet.” Spike said with a shake of his head. “We’re goin’ ta meet some people; need ta pick up some of my dosh.”
“Can I at least hope that dosh isn’t something incredibly disgusting like demon liver?”
“It’s money, ya ninny,” Spike said.
“Master Spike,” intoned a voice behind her, and Xander jumped forward nearly two feet only to find herself pulled back by the wrist held imprisoned within Spike’s grip. A human-looking man appearing to be in his mid-twenties stood there with his head tilted toward Spike. Xander guessed vampire.
“Antonio,” Spike answered and Xander felt herself pulled back to Spike’s side.
“I swear, someone should make you guys wear bells,” Xander complained. Antonio responded with a surprised look to Spike.
“Xander, Antonio,” Spike said curtly. “She’s not on the menu,” he said with a small growl.
“Of course Master Spike, she will make a most beautiful companion.” Xander started to complain, but the tightness of the fingers around her wrist convinced her that she really didn’t want to lose the use of her hand.
“Geez, possessive much?” she whispered to Spike, and the hold only tightened.
“Yes,” the vampire replied as he threw the bags at Antonio.
Xander bit her tongue to keep from telling Spike exactly what she thought of that since she suspected that he wouldn’t find her nearly as amusing in front of the minion. She managed to keep silent through their hike to the car, the ride, and the walk up to a beautiful estate, but when a vamp in a silk suit and game face started openly ogling at her, she couldn’t resist.
“Hey, keep your eyes to yourself, buddy. Not a happy meal here,” Xander snapped, and she felt Spike stiffen slightly beside her.
“Your slave has a lovely mouth,” the other master sarcastically told Spike as he twirled a glass full of red liquid. What bad vampire movie had he seen to pick up *that* trick she wondered.
“I prefer the term un-free American,” Xander retorted.
“Really, I didn’t think slaves had preferences at all,” the master took a step closer, and Xander thanked god that Spike stood so close that she could feel him at her back.
“Oh, you really have to try harder than that if you’re going for menacing. Try showing more fang or maybe a little growl thrown in. Spike’s good at the growl thing, maybe he could show you.” Xander’s guts twisted in fear, but if she started backing down and cringing now, she knew she wouldn’t last a day. She faced Angelus and she could face these guys.
“Oh, I can do menacing girl, believe me. If your master gives me a chance, I’ll teach you to show respect.”
“Funny thing, Angelus said something like that once,” Xander tried for casual, but she realized that she was starting to panic at the thought of Spike giving her away. The thought hadn’t even occurred to her until that moment, but suddenly the vampire behind her seemed like a very good choice of travel companion.
“I remember that,” Spike suddenly said. “He was right annoyed that ya made him back down seein’ as how he’d gone there ta kill the girl.”
“He was actually going to kill her that time? I thought he was just doing more of his torture Buffy thing.” Xander turned and realized when she saw Spike’s serious face that the vampire wasn’t joking or exaggerating.
“Ya put yourself on his short list with that stunt, and ya won’t be doin’ anythin’ that stupid again,” Spike growled.
“You see,” Xander whipped around to the other master who looked at her in shock. “The growl, add the growl and it just sounds more menacing. Of course, I’ll probably still do something stupid because that’s kinda my thing—being stupid, but at least I feel menaced.”
“You expect me to believe this slip of a girl faced down Master Angelus? Or maybe it was that pathetic souled version of your sire she faced. I hear he’s been wandering the hell mouth lately.”
“Nope, it was Angelus. Angel annoys me what with him following after Buffy and all, but Angelus is the psycho who tried to get past me when he wanted to kill the slayer.”
“The slayer?” And wow, that got the master’s attention.
“My pet was one a the slayer’s minions. Stole her myself,” Spike said nonchalantly, but Xander could see what Spike was doing as clearly as if he had raised a neon sign. Well he could do snark.
“Hey, not a minion. More like a second in command. Okay, maybe third in command because Giles, the watcher, is all research boy, and that’s just not me. Give me a stake though and I’ll be there hiding behind the slayer every time. I even manage to take out a couple minions every week, well except those months that Buffy took off and the three of us had to patrol for her. I killed a lot of minions that summer.”
“Your girl tells fanciful tales,” the master said with an incredulous expression. “Will you allow her to stand there and lie about killing minions, not just minions but minions born on the hell mouth?”
“And why aren’t they ‘just minions’?” Xander turned to Spike and asked curiously.
“Minions on the hell mouth rise stronger than minions anywhere else, pet,” Spike offered.
“Well that’s kinda pathetic. Doesn’t say much about minions raised off the hell mouth, does it?” Xander was rewarded with shuffling feet of nearby minions and a pinched expression on the master’s mouth.
“Nope, most minions aren’t worth the dust ya get when ya stake ‘em.” Spike agreed amiably.
“I sent Antonio for the money you left in my care Master Spike, I do hope I see you and your companion once she’s been turned.” The master gave them a strained smile and retreated to another room. Xander didn’t know whether to laugh at how uncomfortable she and Spike had made him or squirm in discomfort herself at the whole turning idea. Just because she was starting to think of Spike as sexy and maybe even a little fun to hang out with didn’t mean she wanted to go the whole eternal commitment route. Antonio quickly appeared with a briefcase and a set of keys.
“Buh-bye,” Xander waved to the minions as Spike hurried him toward the car. Once they had gotten on the road again, she turned to Spike. “Not as satisfying as staking them, but on an amusement scale of 1 to 10, I’d rank that a 7.” Spike continued driving, but Xander could see the smile.
“Ya annoyed the piss out of him, pet.”
“Yep, and you enjoyed it,” Xander shot back.
“That I did.”
“So, are we talking about the whole turning thing, because I really don’t think drinking blood and gore and murder goes with this outfit,” Xander couldn’t resist a nervous laugh.
“Can’t say I haven’t thought about it, but ya can never tell how the demon’ll take. Might end up with something that sounds like you; might end up with some simpering fool who doesn’t know how to string sentences together.”
“So, we’re going for the non-vamped version, good choice. Less filling,” Xander realized that her humor wasn’t even working for herself, so she contented herself with staring out into the night as they drove through Paris. Yep, uneducated American, but even she knew where to find the Eiffel Tower.
As dawn neared, Spike pulled into a basement and parked the car, waiting impatiently as Xander crawled out of the car and tried to wake up. She wasn’t sure how long she’d slept, but she did know that her neck hurt like hell. Well, maybe not hell because that whole simile was a little hard to throw around once you knew someone who’d been to hell. A crampy neck really didn’t compare.
“Hurry up then,” Spike announced as he held open a heavy steel door in the side of the large public garage.
“Boy, you’re Mr. Cranky Vamp today,” Xander said as she turned to slide past the vampire and the three bags he now held.
“I’m hungry, so don’t press your luck,” Spike groused, and Xander decided that she really didn’t want to annoy the vampire, so she just followed the pushes that guided her through a series of service tunnels to another steel door. Spike unlocked that door and Xander went in to find a simple bed sitting and a single dresser in a concrete room.
“Now, do I have ta chain ya, or will ya just settle down and sleep?”
“No, no chaining necessary,” Xander held up her hands in surrender. “Steel door, concrete walls, I’m thinking I’m here to stay unless I develop some freakish mutant powers before you get back. Actually, I’ve had freakish mutant powers before and I still don’t think I would have gotten out of this room.”
“Right,” Spike said uncertainly. “Just get some sleep,” he ordered as he pulled the door shut and Xander was left in darkness. Cursing the vampire for not giving her a chance to ask for a bathroom or even find the bed before lights out, Xander finally groped her way to the bed and crawled in. The blanket smelled of dust, but considering that she hadn’t been able to lie down for about two days, give or take a day of jet lag, she didn’t really care.
Okay, I'm struggling with humor here, so be brutally honest because boy this is hard. I'm trying to keep the piece predominately humorous, so shout out if I'm missing the path.