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Title: Mangled Spells and Girly Bits, Part 1 Author: Lit Gal Concrit:… 
15th-Mar-2005 09:15 pm
Pink Lit Gal
Title: Mangled Spells and Girly Bits, Part 1
Author: Lit Gal
Concrit: PLEASE!! E-mail or in LJ response
Feedback: Litgal1@yahoo.com
Rating: eventually NC-17
Pairing: Spike/Xander
Disclaimer: They're owned by people who don't know how to play with them.
Warnings: eventually het, probably bondage
Status: WIP
Summary: A whole bunch of fic girls with puppy eyes ganged up on me just because I left girl!Xander in evil!Spike's clutches...well, that and I had no sex. So, here is part one of "Girly Bits" which will make no sense until you go read "Mangled Spells and Manly Bits"




Xander stumbled off the plane and would have fallen if long tentacles hadn’t reached out to steady her until she could get her thankfully simple dress untangled.

“Oi, hands off mate,” Spike threw down a couple of bags and then jumped out of the cargo hold himself.

“So sorry, just helping,” offered the demon working the plane and the tentacles withdrew beneath the uniform leaving a human-looking worker. Xander felt Spike’s arm slip around her waist, and she found it almost comforting. Of course over the last many hours that arm had been the only thing keeping her from decorating the inside of a jet’s cargo hold with her own blood, so that might actually account for the comforting aspect of his hold. Spike shouldered the two bags, and guided her around various service people toward the main building.

“So, are you going to tell me where we are or have we reached the game show portion of the festivities?” Xander asked once they’d left the demon behind and entered a large steel and glass building bustling with people.

“You bloody Americans, you really don’t know anythin’ about the rest of the world.”

“Hey, never expected to live long enough to see anything past Los Angeles,” Xander retorted. “So, glass and steel would rule out Africa, right?”

“And what exactly does Africa look like in your imagination?” Spike snorted.

“Grass huts and spears, right?” Xander said as she studied the signs. ‘Stationnement’ one sign announced, and Xander wondered why the French word for parking lot should have stuck in her mind. At least, that’s what she thought it meant. Spike had been silent a little too long, so she turned to see the vampire looking at her with open shock.

“Mud huts and shields?” she tried with a straight face.

“Bloody Americans. I soddin’ well hope you’re jokin’ pet.” Spike said with a shake of his head. “We’re goin’ ta meet some people; need ta pick up some of my dosh.”

“Can I at least hope that dosh isn’t something incredibly disgusting like demon liver?”

“It’s money, ya ninny,” Spike said.

“Master Spike,” intoned a voice behind her, and Xander jumped forward nearly two feet only to find herself pulled back by the wrist held imprisoned within Spike’s grip. A human-looking man appearing to be in his mid-twenties stood there with his head tilted toward Spike. Xander guessed vampire.

“Antonio,” Spike answered and Xander felt herself pulled back to Spike’s side.

“I swear, someone should make you guys wear bells,” Xander complained. Antonio responded with a surprised look to Spike.

“Xander, Antonio,” Spike said curtly. “She’s not on the menu,” he said with a small growl.

“Of course Master Spike, she will make a most beautiful companion.” Xander started to complain, but the tightness of the fingers around her wrist convinced her that she really didn’t want to lose the use of her hand.

“Geez, possessive much?” she whispered to Spike, and the hold only tightened.

“Yes,” the vampire replied as he threw the bags at Antonio.

Xander bit her tongue to keep from telling Spike exactly what she thought of that since she suspected that he wouldn’t find her nearly as amusing in front of the minion. She managed to keep silent through their hike to the car, the ride, and the walk up to a beautiful estate, but when a vamp in a silk suit and game face started openly ogling at her, she couldn’t resist.

“Hey, keep your eyes to yourself, buddy. Not a happy meal here,” Xander snapped, and she felt Spike stiffen slightly beside her.

“Your slave has a lovely mouth,” the other master sarcastically told Spike as he twirled a glass full of red liquid. What bad vampire movie had he seen to pick up *that* trick she wondered.

“I prefer the term un-free American,” Xander retorted.

“Really, I didn’t think slaves had preferences at all,” the master took a step closer, and Xander thanked god that Spike stood so close that she could feel him at her back.

“Oh, you really have to try harder than that if you’re going for menacing. Try showing more fang or maybe a little growl thrown in. Spike’s good at the growl thing, maybe he could show you.” Xander’s guts twisted in fear, but if she started backing down and cringing now, she knew she wouldn’t last a day. She faced Angelus and she could face these guys.

“Oh, I can do menacing girl, believe me. If your master gives me a chance, I’ll teach you to show respect.”

“Funny thing, Angelus said something like that once,” Xander tried for casual, but she realized that she was starting to panic at the thought of Spike giving her away. The thought hadn’t even occurred to her until that moment, but suddenly the vampire behind her seemed like a very good choice of travel companion.

“I remember that,” Spike suddenly said. “He was right annoyed that ya made him back down seein’ as how he’d gone there ta kill the girl.”

“He was actually going to kill her that time? I thought he was just doing more of his torture Buffy thing.” Xander turned and realized when she saw Spike’s serious face that the vampire wasn’t joking or exaggerating.

“Ya put yourself on his short list with that stunt, and ya won’t be doin’ anythin’ that stupid again,” Spike growled.

“You see,” Xander whipped around to the other master who looked at her in shock. “The growl, add the growl and it just sounds more menacing. Of course, I’ll probably still do something stupid because that’s kinda my thing—being stupid, but at least I feel menaced.”

“You expect me to believe this slip of a girl faced down Master Angelus? Or maybe it was that pathetic souled version of your sire she faced. I hear he’s been wandering the hell mouth lately.”

“Nope, it was Angelus. Angel annoys me what with him following after Buffy and all, but Angelus is the psycho who tried to get past me when he wanted to kill the slayer.”

“The slayer?” And wow, that got the master’s attention.

“My pet was one a the slayer’s minions. Stole her myself,” Spike said nonchalantly, but Xander could see what Spike was doing as clearly as if he had raised a neon sign. Well he could do snark.

“Hey, not a minion. More like a second in command. Okay, maybe third in command because Giles, the watcher, is all research boy, and that’s just not me. Give me a stake though and I’ll be there hiding behind the slayer every time. I even manage to take out a couple minions every week, well except those months that Buffy took off and the three of us had to patrol for her. I killed a lot of minions that summer.”

“Your girl tells fanciful tales,” the master said with an incredulous expression. “Will you allow her to stand there and lie about killing minions, not just minions but minions born on the hell mouth?”

“And why aren’t they ‘just minions’?” Xander turned to Spike and asked curiously.

“Minions on the hell mouth rise stronger than minions anywhere else, pet,” Spike offered.

“Well that’s kinda pathetic. Doesn’t say much about minions raised off the hell mouth, does it?” Xander was rewarded with shuffling feet of nearby minions and a pinched expression on the master’s mouth.

“Nope, most minions aren’t worth the dust ya get when ya stake ‘em.” Spike agreed amiably.

“I sent Antonio for the money you left in my care Master Spike, I do hope I see you and your companion once she’s been turned.” The master gave them a strained smile and retreated to another room. Xander didn’t know whether to laugh at how uncomfortable she and Spike had made him or squirm in discomfort herself at the whole turning idea. Just because she was starting to think of Spike as sexy and maybe even a little fun to hang out with didn’t mean she wanted to go the whole eternal commitment route. Antonio quickly appeared with a briefcase and a set of keys.

“Buh-bye,” Xander waved to the minions as Spike hurried him toward the car. Once they had gotten on the road again, she turned to Spike. “Not as satisfying as staking them, but on an amusement scale of 1 to 10, I’d rank that a 7.” Spike continued driving, but Xander could see the smile.

“Ya annoyed the piss out of him, pet.”

“Yep, and you enjoyed it,” Xander shot back.

“That I did.”

“So, are we talking about the whole turning thing, because I really don’t think drinking blood and gore and murder goes with this outfit,” Xander couldn’t resist a nervous laugh.

“Can’t say I haven’t thought about it, but ya can never tell how the demon’ll take. Might end up with something that sounds like you; might end up with some simpering fool who doesn’t know how to string sentences together.”

“So, we’re going for the non-vamped version, good choice. Less filling,” Xander realized that her humor wasn’t even working for herself, so she contented herself with staring out into the night as they drove through Paris. Yep, uneducated American, but even she knew where to find the Eiffel Tower.

As dawn neared, Spike pulled into a basement and parked the car, waiting impatiently as Xander crawled out of the car and tried to wake up. She wasn’t sure how long she’d slept, but she did know that her neck hurt like hell. Well, maybe not hell because that whole simile was a little hard to throw around once you knew someone who’d been to hell. A crampy neck really didn’t compare.

“Hurry up then,” Spike announced as he held open a heavy steel door in the side of the large public garage.

“Boy, you’re Mr. Cranky Vamp today,” Xander said as she turned to slide past the vampire and the three bags he now held.

“I’m hungry, so don’t press your luck,” Spike groused, and Xander decided that she really didn’t want to annoy the vampire, so she just followed the pushes that guided her through a series of service tunnels to another steel door. Spike unlocked that door and Xander went in to find a simple bed sitting and a single dresser in a concrete room.

“Now, do I have ta chain ya, or will ya just settle down and sleep?”

“No, no chaining necessary,” Xander held up her hands in surrender. “Steel door, concrete walls, I’m thinking I’m here to stay unless I develop some freakish mutant powers before you get back. Actually, I’ve had freakish mutant powers before and I still don’t think I would have gotten out of this room.”

“Right,” Spike said uncertainly. “Just get some sleep,” he ordered as he pulled the door shut and Xander was left in darkness. Cursing the vampire for not giving her a chance to ask for a bathroom or even find the bed before lights out, Xander finally groped her way to the bed and crawled in. The blanket smelled of dust, but considering that she hadn’t been able to lie down for about two days, give or take a day of jet lag, she didn’t really care.

----------------------------------------------
Okay, I'm struggling with humor here, so be brutally honest because boy this is hard. I'm trying to keep the piece predominately humorous, so shout out if I'm missing the path.

Comments 
16th-Mar-2005 04:37 am (UTC)
Ahem.


YAY!!!!

So glad to see this! I thought it was very funny. Spike amused by Xander's natural ability to mouth off and babble is just too good! Great start luv!
16th-Mar-2005 05:13 am (UTC)
Spike always enjoyed pissing people off, so his humor and Xander's humor really do seem to mesh well. I'm glad you liked it.
16th-Mar-2005 04:44 am (UTC)
Hee! It's good to see Xan hasn't lost her sense of humor. *g* I'm so glad you're continuing this.

I think you're doing fine with the humor. *s*
16th-Mar-2005 05:14 am (UTC)
Thanks for the encouragement--this is a hard fic to write, but I'm on spring break and I need a bit of a challenge.
16th-Mar-2005 04:51 am (UTC)
*dances*

You wrote it! Thankyouthankyou!

This is funny! Cuz Xander still babbles no matter the gender and since he stood up to Angelus and isnt a complete wimp, then this makes total sense.

Just gotta wonder if he'll ever go back to being a guy, and what will happen in the Spike department.

*ponders*
16th-Mar-2005 05:16 am (UTC)
You'rewelcomeYou'rewelcomeYou'rewelcome

I am weak when it comes to feedback. Pet my muse enough and I'll just pop out more fanfic, and that actually came out a little gross.

As for the non-wimp Xander: My Xander will never be a wimp because that's just not how I see him. He may fall into depression; he may care about others at the cost of his own sanity; he may even play stupid with frightening regularity, but he's not a wimp.
16th-Mar-2005 05:04 am (UTC)
There was definitely humour. :D

“Buh-bye,” Xander waved to the minions as Spike hurried him toward the car. Once they had gotten on the road again, she turned to Spike. “Not as satisfying as staking them, but on an amusement scale of 1 to 10, I’d rank that a 7.” Spike continued driving, but Xander could see the smile.

Loved the whole winding up of the vampire and the recounting of the facing-off of Angelus, and that para completed the tale nicely.

I hope you don't have too much difficulty continuing this, because I really am enjoying it. ;o)
16th-Mar-2005 05:18 am (UTC)
Once I start a piece I can almost gauruntee it will get finished because I won't start writing until I have a firm grasp on the ending. I just can't seem to get that first word on the page until I know where I'm going. Sometimes I take sidetrips or change course a little, but I know the general landscape of this whole plotline already (including the ending up a boy or a girl issue)
16th-Mar-2005 10:16 am (UTC)
U wrote more!! *bounce bounce* And it's wonderful! *adores u*
Marie
16th-Mar-2005 02:20 pm (UTC)
I'm glad you're enjoying it, and yes I wrote more, I'm a weak, weak fanfic writer who cannot resist the power of puppy eyes.
16th-Mar-2005 10:37 am (UTC)
As an angst girl myself, I think you're doing great. The scene was very humorous with Xander retelling about his exploits and you had a bit of angst with the 'chaining up' bit. I can really see you trying for a fine balance between humor and angst. Something not quite so fluffy but still finding the funny in an angsty situation like being held captive.

I can tell you aren't writing in your usual style but I can't quite put my finger on it. I'm pretty sure it has to do with internal monologue though, since that is when it is easiest to pump in the angst and without that there, something seems to be missing.

But that could be just because I've seen your other work, and can tell the difference. Or because I prefer angsty pieces.

Keep up the good work, you are doing fine!
16th-Mar-2005 02:23 pm (UTC)
I appreciate that. I'm going to have to work on internal monologue for this piece to work, so this gives me a starting place to really look at how I'm doing.

Yeah, this is definitely not my usual style. I'm writing an angsty chapter, inserting humor, and then deleting the angst. It makes for slow writing, but I don't want to be stuck with just doing angst, so this is probably good for me, in an 'eat your vegetables' kind of way.

I am glad you're enjoying it even if you are an angsty fan, but if it makes you happy, there are going to be a couple of scenes (well, one at least) that will have to go into angst.
16th-Mar-2005 11:16 pm (UTC)
but I don't want to be stuck with just doing angst, so this is probably good for me, in an 'eat your vegetables' kind of way.

I did just the opposite, realized I sucked at everything else and said, "Angst it shall be!" *g*

But yeah, an inner monologue where Xander goes into how he is feeling would help explain why he isn't feeling all angsty. Ooo! Stockholm syndrome...no, too angsty. Never-mind. *g*

But now, I've got my own plot bunnies.
19th-Mar-2005 01:47 am (UTC)
Oh something's going on, have no doubt. Xander just hasn't figured out what yet, and I need to show that inner confusion over not being angsty, so excellent catch on that!
19th-Mar-2005 07:50 am (UTC)
Glad I could help. :-)
I'm sure it'll be great!
16th-Mar-2005 12:22 pm (UTC)
::hee hee:: you got guilt triped!
I'm so happy about that. Witness me happy dance.
I thought this part was funny, but then it is 4:30 am where I am, so it could just be the not sleeping talking...
I still think it's funny, though.
16th-Mar-2005 02:24 pm (UTC)
At four a.m., hangnails are funny. Get some sleep girl! I'm am glad you're enjoying it, though.
16th-Mar-2005 01:02 pm (UTC)
Thank you! I'm so glad you're writing more girl!Xander. The humor is definately there. It may be difficult for you to write, but you make it seem effortless. This was a great chapter.
16th-Mar-2005 02:24 pm (UTC)
Hey, if I can make it seem naturally funny, then that's all that counts. Thanks for the feedback.
16th-Mar-2005 01:24 pm (UTC)
I'm so glad you were persuaded to continue this as I really enjoyed the first part. The humour is fine and I think Xander would use humour to try and stave of the fear of being totally at Spike's mercy, in a foreign country, with no scoobies in sight. Plus the poor guy is still coming to terms with being a girl now. I'm loving this and am eargerly awaiting the next chapter.

cloudie
16th-Mar-2005 02:26 pm (UTC)
Yeah, put it like that and it's kinda surprising there's humor at all. That sounds like a very angsty plot, but I'm trying to work in a Xander sort of humor. I am glad you're enjoying it though. Before I published Second Verse I had no idea how fun it was to read what other people had to say about my writing.
16th-Mar-2005 02:09 pm (UTC)
I think you're doing pretty well with the humor; the way Xander uses it as a weapon and a defense, and how it's not 100% successful. Here's hoping Spike continues to want his pet alive and sassy.
16th-Mar-2005 02:27 pm (UTC)
Well, Spike and Xander don't know it yet, but there's magic in the air *coughWillowcough* and this *is* a humor piece (mostly) so I don't think you have to worry about Xander's life--his sanity, but not his life.
16th-Mar-2005 03:14 pm (UTC)
Whew! :-)
16th-Mar-2005 02:33 pm (UTC)
You're doing fine, bay-bee.
:)
Of course, I have to wonder if our poor hero/ine is going to stay all girly or if the spell will wear off/be fixed etc....
I mean, I'm reading HET, here!!

*bounce*
Paris! Nice.
16th-Mar-2005 03:35 pm (UTC)
Thank you much

Don't think of it as het, thing of it as het-y slash.
16th-Mar-2005 03:03 pm (UTC)
i think the xander-snark is working great! this is quality, high school xander humor.
16th-Mar-2005 03:35 pm (UTC)
Woo Hoo - I always have liked high-school Xander best, so I'm glad it's coming off like that!
16th-Mar-2005 07:17 pm (UTC)
Yay sequel. Um...I don't think I reviewd the last story but I liked it a lot and I'm really glad that you've continued. And like everyone says, the humour is just fine. I'll be looking forward to the next.
16th-Mar-2005 07:47 pm (UTC)
Well I'm glad you enjoyed both the last one and this sequel. I hope to get the next one out quickly, but this is my last post before I take the computer to the shop. ::sigh:: Hopefully they'll finish quick and I can go back to writing.
16th-Mar-2005 09:10 pm (UTC)
I don't care if you're struggling, *I* still think it's funny. Poor Xander, in France and dealing with being Spike's 'slave'. Don't think that sits well on her. But the scene with the other master where she was like I'm not Scared of YOU! Was funny.
19th-Mar-2005 01:42 am (UTC)
I'm glad you're enjoying it. It's hard to write, but I am having fun with it. I'm working on drunk!Xander now, so hopefully I'll have a new section soon. Been a bit ill, so I'm slow on the update here.
19th-Mar-2005 10:04 am (UTC)
~hugs you, sends chicken soup~ Feel better!
17th-Mar-2005 11:57 am (UTC)
You did great with the humour! I found Xander taking the piss out of the other vamp really funny!
And they're in Paris! Yay!
19th-Mar-2005 01:43 am (UTC)
Spike's an idiot, but he's not stupid. He's not going to keep his *girl* anywhere that the slayer might think to look. Someone who speaks French is going to need to check me though; I'm using an on-line translator and a website of rude French phrases.
19th-Mar-2005 12:32 pm (UTC)
I can help you, if you want, since I'm french!
19th-Mar-2005 03:53 pm (UTC)
These are the phrases I pulled off along with what the internet said they meant. I don’t know if I’ll use them all, but I would appreciate knowing if I’m using them right. I hate inaccuracies in writing. And thanks for the offer of help here!

Stationnement – parking lot
Votre belle femme – your beautiful wife
Permettre à ma femme pour choisir – let my wife make the decision
Occupe-toi de tes affaires – mind your own business (Spike’s line so I want it to be a slightly rude version if possible)
La toucher et mourir-touch her and die
ta gueule! – shut up
Ferme ta bouche quand tu parle – rude version of I don’t want to hear you talk
mon beau morceau d'art – my beautiful piece of art
19th-Mar-2005 05:12 pm (UTC)
Just a few corrections:
Stationnement – parking lot
Parking (that's what most people say) or parc de stationnement
Permettre à ma femme pour choisir – let my wife make the decision
Laisse ma femme choisir or Laissez ma femme choisir(if they're talking to a salesperson or in a formal context)
Occupe-toi de tes affaires – mind your own business (Spike’s line so I want it to be a slightly rude version if possible)
Ruder version: Mêle-toi de tes affaires; Even ruder version: Mêle-toi de tes oignons
La toucher et mourir-touch her and die
Touche la et tu meurs, or a bit ruder but with more impact: Touche la et tu crêves
mon beau morceau d'art – my beautiful piece of art
Ma belle oeuvre d'art

Don't hesitate to ask me questions if something's not clear!
19th-Mar-2005 06:34 pm (UTC)
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you

I've already made the changes so hopefully my French people will actually sound French. That'd be nice, huh?
(Deleted comment)
19th-Dec-2005 02:26 pm (UTC)
I love Xander-babble. It's the main reason I use him as my main POV character most of the time. The way he just wanders from one topic to another with no connection between cracks me up.
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