Title: Unlikely Allies, pt 11/?
Feedback:Want it like a Catholic School Girl wants laid
Concrit: In comments, please
Disclaimer: m/m loving, plus, I own none. Joss is God
Summary: Xander makes a big decision
Previous chapters: Chapter One, Chapter Two!, Chapter Three, Chapter Four, Chapter Five, Chapter Six, Chapter Seven, Chapter Eight, Chapter Nine and Ten
While Willow was giving Spike a once-over, both magical and otherwise, I stood outside on Buffy's porch watching the sun rise. So many thoughts were racing through my head.
What does this mean? Will this last? Does he even want this?
The sun's rays gently warmed my skin and it occurred to me how long it had really been since Spike had been in the position to enjoy it. For over 100 years, the sun was a death sentence, and now, he could go to the beach. It was a lot to handle.
Suddenly, someone spoke behind me.
"Beautiful isn't it?"
I turned and looked at Buffy, and nodded.
"Yeah. Kinda is."
"You know, I fantasized about Angel turning human, oh, about a billion times before he and I split. I wanted nothing more than to stand on this porch with him and watch the sun rise." She continued, "That was the issue with us, you know. I was 18 and he was 240 and deep down, I wanted to picnic in the middle of the day and show him off. It was sorta like 'I'm Buffy Summers, and this is my boyfriend, Angel. He's normal'. He understood that, even if I didn't want to face it. That's why he broke up with me. Even though I was the Slayer, I wouldn't ever have a shot at a normal life with him." She sighed and walked up next to me.
I looked at her. "Yeah. I never liked him. Thanks for another reason not to."
Buffy sighed again. "You missed the point. With Spike as a Vampire, you and he wouldn't have had a future. Eventually, you would come to resent that you couldn't go out in the day with him. Eventually, Xand, you'll die. The fact of the matter is that he wouldn't. Not unless someone killed him. That's all changed. Spike's human now. You have to decide where you two stand."
She turned to walk away, and I stopped her.
"I don't want to hurt him."
She gave me a half-smile.
"I didn't say you had to."
I stood out there for a little longer and then made my way inside. I was physically and emotionally worn out. I hadn't seen a more exhausting and action-packed night like that in a long time. I was ready to crash, and I made my way upstairs, intending to do so.
As I passed the bathroom on the way to Joyce's room, Spike stepped outside and looked at me. He was fully energetic, and about ready, I suspected, to start bouncing off the walls. With me, however, he was quiet.
"Hi. How're you feeling?" Stupid question. He's obviously feeling fine.
"Good. Just got done with Willow. I have a strong heartbeat." He grinned. "I have a strong heartbeat. I have a feeling that several celebratory beers are in order. Wanna come?"
I thought about what Buffy and I had talked about on the porch. Why aren't I happier now that he's human?
I shook my head and smiled weakly.
"I'm beat. I'm up for a nap. I'll, uh, see you later I guess. Have fun."
Spike's countenance immediately fell.
"Oh. Well, yeah, I s'pose you would be. Have a good one." And casting me a dejected look, he made his way past me and down the stairs.
Stripping out of my clothes and slipping into bed, I thought about Spike. Or was he William now? I was so confused. The normal reaction to this would be elation and lots and lots of sex. But, for some reason, happiness evaded me. I just felt depressed by it.
He can do what he wants now. He's human; he's not obligated to do anything anymore. He could follow the rest of the humans and just leave Sunnydale and live his life pretty much guilt free. He doesn't need me anymore. He can't protect me and I can't convince him not to do stupid things like go hunting for the ubervamps.
I widened my eyes.
So that's it. I'm not needed. Sighing, I rolled over and curled up into the comforter a little tighter.
So, I had figured it out. I wasn't happy because he didn't really need me anymore. My status in the relationship had changed. The whole time I kept telling myself that he was needed, that he was necessary. Really, I needed him to be needed so it gave me a purpose. What other purpose did I serve in the group? I was the "eyes". I "saw" things. Over the years, I had managed to evolve from a know-nothing child to knowledge-boy and now, I'm back to nothing. I really was the Zeppo.
I could feel the tears gathering behind my eyes. I fought them as long as I could, but I just gave in. A single tear rolled out of my eye, across my nose and landed with a soft plop onto the pillow.
Who am I now?
Uncomforted and all alone, I fell into a restless, dreamless sleep. Despite the fact that the nap was painful, it was still better to endure than what I had done in the waking world. All I wanted now was to disappear into the bed. A dream world, even a nightmarish one, gave me direction. There, I controlled my destiny, and everyone else's.
Waking a few hours later more exhausted than before, I threw on a newer shirt and descended the stairs. My mind kept screaming no, go back!, but my body was on autopilot, and despite my best efforts, I continued the descent into a new world. One that I knew I had to face. One in which I was without my Spike.
A creak on the bottom step alerted everyone to my presence. Willow glanced up and smiled warmly. I managed to smile back at her and be convincing, because she turned back to her book. Giles merely nodded at me and Buffy raised an eyebrow at the shirt I grabbed ("The Only Bush I Trust Is My Own") and went on with her tasks as well. One person I didn't see was Spike. He wasn't by the window, as I had expected, rotating his hand in sunlight. I couldn't see him through the window peeking at the sun through the tree's leaves. He had disappeared.
Slowly, I willed myself into the dining room, fully expecting to see him there, eating something for the first time in 100 years. Disappointed, I turned to walk away again, but stopped. This room is empty? I haven't seen an empty room in this house in forever! Eerily cheered, I made my way into the kitchen. There he was, sitting at the island with a box of Honey Comb in front of him, examining a piece of the cereal. He didn't even notice I was there.
I cleared my throat. "You know, Spike, those are actually made for eating."
He jumped and whirled around. "I know that. I'm just trying to wrap my mind around this human stuff. Can't smell as good, not as fast, obviously the sun doesn't hurt, and now, I can't even hear if someone as clumsy as you wanders in. I am seriously reconsidering this whole 'human' bit."
Choosing to take his remark as a rude one, I snipped back.
"No problem Spike. I'll just ask you next time if you want your life to be saved."
He looked immediately defeated.
"No, luv, I know that. I didn't mean that I didn't appreciate it. It's just a lot to get used to, after all." Seeing the look on my face, he added, "You alright?"
I nodded and left the room. It was just too painful. I couldn't do it. I simply could not be in the same room as he was. It hurt too much. I knew now what I had lost. I made my way to the basement. I needed to be alone. I needed to think.
Spike grabbed me by the shoulder and turned me around.
"What's wrong?" His eyes burned into me while the question seared into my memory.
Swallowing hard, I took my hand and wrapped it around his wrist. I could feel his pulse and the warmth in his velvet skin. Mentally shaking myself, I hardened against him.
"Let go of me, William." Ignoring the pain in his eyes, I slid his hand off my shoulder and went into the basement alone.
I liked it down there. Cool and peaceful, I could be alone with my thoughts and memories and think. I sat on the cot and caught a whiff of his scent, looked at his pillow and spotted a few stray hairs. Discarded clothing lay strewn on the floor and I was oddly comforted. It was as if my Spike was coming back down here any minute. Shaking my head, I knew that wasn't the case anymore. A tear fell on my hand. I hadn't noticed that I was crying.
The basement door creaked open and I knew it was Spike who was coming to visit me in my misery. He approached me softly and went to touch my hair. I closed my eyes, letting those tears fall freely now, and leaned my head toward his hand. I needed the comfort. Could he give it to me?
Running his fingers through my hair, his touch lit my nerves on fire. My entire body tingled with desire and repulsion. I kept thinking I shouldn't be doing this, yet I made no move to stop him. My hands slid under his shirt, feeling his silky skin and rippling muscles. Pulling him closer, I kissed his belly button and made my way up his chest, slowly unbuttoning as I went. A soft groan escaped his lips. His shirt now removed, I looked up at him, wanting with my whole soul to see his true reflection. All I saw were those blue eyes, clouded with confusion and desire.
Cupping his erection in my hand, I massaged his hardness through his jeans. His groans grew louder and he grew fuller. I unbuttoned him and gingerly tugged on the zipper, revealing his porcelain white cock, hard just for me. Kissing him softly down one thigh, I felt a tear drop land on my face. This time, it wasn't mine.
I looked up at Spike and he was crying. I stood and wiped his tears away. Murmuring "It's alright," my hands continued to explore his body. He and I were like first-time lovers again. For each new sensation I found in him, his was fresh as well. Love making to him had always been from the perspective of heightened senses. The paradoxical dullness and sharpness of his perceptions now lit him on fire. With each touch, he was insatiable. He craved my body, just as I craved his for comfort. Everything inside of me told me to walk away from him, that I was taking advantage. And I didn't care. He was weaker now. He couldn't fight me off or kill me as easily.
Foreplay over, I leaned him against the bed. And before he could relax, I slid in. A sharp inhale and a muffled moan of pain escaped him. Suddenly, I realized what I had done, what I was doing.
Pulling out, I hugged him from behind. He wrapped his hands around mine and settled in. I knew I couldn't do this anymore. I broke away.
Pulling on my jeans, I murmured "Stay away from me, William."
It might as well have been a scream.
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