rngrdead (rngrdead) wrote in bloodclaim,
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Stilled Desire # 10

Stilled Desire
Author: josie_h@yahoo.com
Archived at:
http://www.livejournal.com/tools/memories.bml?user=rngrdead
Pairing: Xander/Spike
Rating: Mature Audiences – for content and themes
Summary: Anya utters a final garbled set of words that sets off a wish that will alter Xander’s existence forever…
Spoilers: Canon is Post S7 BtVS and S5 AtS.
Warnings: M/M – if you don’t like boys together, don’t play here! *Toys* and angst too… and lovin’ eventually
Disclaimer: Don’t own the characters nor make any money from stories etc, and bow down to their original creators Joss, et al., plus all the wonderful online writers who continue to give the Buffy/Angel verse characters life.




Part 10

Three weeks later had seen them share their bed each night, share their inanimate state, share blood, and tears… and yet it was still not quite right.

They had been recommended a psychologist by the police, then a demon psychologist by Lorne, who was now officially ‘touring’ with a supporting act ‘boy band’ – though in demon circles that was always a little nebulous – “Adds to the flavour Pumpkin!”. Though did go on to add seriously, “Sweetie… Come on! I’ll have Chrissie Email you the details… gotta go, we’re on in five…”

But Spike thought that the difficulties would dissipate with time and left it.

Sadly things seemed to be getting worse, every time they had to make their change – even though he was tightly bound, entwined, loved and reassured by his lover who was also undertaking the shift, the anxiety and (the last time) holding him, Spike had felt wholesale panic begin as the stiffening began…

The third time, as they recovered and his dearest friend lay changed back but apparently still exhausted and sleeping, he called Willow and for the first time told another person true extent of his worry and admitted his own desperation.

Assuming Xander was asleep, Spike had made his way to the lounge room to make the call, Xander only able to hear one side of the conversation from his position on the bed. He knew Spike’s ‘other talents’ so tried desperately to control his feelings and heartbeat… knowing the vampire was able to detect both.

“Not wantin’ to use you as our agony Aunt… but he’s wanin’.”

Pause.

“I know but I don’t reckon the average shrink is equipped to deal with the…”

Pause.

“He’s not a bloody invalid! I just can’t…”

Pause.

“Alright… yeah…. Yeah… hang on – just need a crayon… OK… Yeah… got it… yup magical…shrink… insight into…. Yup… and… Listen thanks Pet… Boy’s the owner of not just our soul, but has my heart as well – and a string ‘round me little finger truth be known…

Pause

“Bloody hell Red! ‘Course I will!! I just want him… *us*… to have a happy life! Is that so much to ask do ya reckon? ‘Specially for the boy!!”

Pause.

“Hey… Hey… Hey! Please don’t cry!”

Pause

Then a strange switch and it was the original William speaking, “Oh Mistress… I had no intention of upsetting you… and sincerely apologise. Please! Understand that your advice and help, and more particularly your continuing friendship is tantamount to our dear Xander’s happiness… You are dear to us both and I am dreadfully sorry to have upset…”

This time Xander made out part of the reply as Spike put down the phone and went for a bag of blood, “Oh Goddess! William!… um Spike… You didn’t really need to…apologize! I just needed to…[hic] Can you just tell me when he’s not OK, or get him to ring me … can you? Please! I love him too Spike… I really do!”

A cup of blood was obviously being drained then it was the old Spike back in the room, “Thanks Pet, I guess I knew that... But you have my word Red… Now, let’s us say our goodbyes cause accordin’ to a certain witch I know…seems I’ve got another call to make.”
Pause

“Yup… visit anytime… you name the day and the ticket’s yours… we’ve got you a bed…”

Pause

“Yeah…Cheers Luv… an’ Hi to the Bit if you’re talkin’.”

Xander felt like a pet with some sort of behavioural disorder. His life long *friend* and his *partner* were conspiring to have him *treated* as though what happened was a sickness of some sort… He heard the consequent call to the doctor’s, heard the booking for a fortnight hence, then was so down for the next two days he wished for the assailants to return and finish him. Spike was utterly at a loss as to what he had done wrong or why things were suddenly so much worse.

As the two bedded down for the evening, Spike finally gave in to his own annoyance as Xander pulled away, unwilling to share his hurt and giving in to the silent tears that had threatened all day. Spike pulled him into a grip that only a vampire could manage. He doubted that seeing ‘this or that counsellor’ would make any difference to his Consort, so gave in to his most basic Master Vampire sensibilities, growling with his worry then part drained Xander to the point of compliance, fitted him out, applied his own then lay down again to hug and invoked the spell.

A full day later, he dared not leave Xander alone, when they had changed back, genuinely fearing for his safety.

Consequently, he rang the doctor’s surgery on his mobile phone again while his Consort was on the land line to Willow and managed (with a very specific note regards his partner’s status as the Bay Master’s Consort) to move the appointment to that afternoon. Still half asleep Xander was all but carried into the offices of Specialist K.M De Arth.

There was no question that this was a case of extreme distress and it took less than five minutes before they were being led into the exclusive, purpose designed, residential rehabilitation rooms at the back of the practice. The medico had seen the file… there was no need to explain.

Xander felt pathetic as they were led to their treatment rooms, and even though he knew Spike had agreed to remain with him for the whole of his stay, he began to silently cry… They entered the room they were to stay in and then he saw it…the bed with its white sheets and red duvet… the exact colours of their old bed, the one he’d been… He began to hyperventilate and shake uncontrollably.

Spike tried to help as he saw his partner begin to sway and the horror on the beloved face, he attempted to make a grab for him, to pull him into a hug… but the panic attack was in full swing.

Xander felt like he was falling backwards, his ears were buzzing and the vertigo made him want to throw up… His assailants were there again, he was falling and helplessness in imagined restraints… and then there were hands… a tight grip… pulling him… he screamed for Spike… his partner who was *right there* but couldn’t be real! He was shaking so hard that his legs gave out completely and he began to beg “I *can’t*… I didn’t… it… Oh G@#! I can’t… !!”

Spike could hear the heart rate elevate to dangerous levels and the panting breaths but as he tried to pull Xander close his Consort began screaming, “Get away!!! Don’t *touch me*!! Don’t touch me!!!” And then looked up to recognize his lover and friend and finally sobbed, “Spike… please…*Just* don’t touch me… I’ll *be* fine… I *just*… Oh *Please*…” Xander collapsed onto the ground completely, curled into a ball and lay shaking violently.

The doctor staid Spike’s hand and tugged him away for just long enough to talk. “You have done the right thing Master Spike. He needs to feel safe… he needs to resolve why this assault was so traumatic… I detect from his past that he has had challenges ‘sexually’ and magically, and don’t get me wrong… Your Consort is quite the champion… but this hurt… is different. We *must* address the panic – or it will only become worse!”

Spike’s inner William had not felt so utterly helpless since Dr Gull had diagnosed his mother all those years ago…

Spike looked over to his friend who was now curled into a foetal position, shaking as though freezing, “And what the *bloody hell* could be worse?”

“That he enters a full anxiety attack and catatonia as you enter your ‘stasis’ – and yes Master Spike I am well aware of that special need… but if he does that then… there will be no coming back, he will have in effect given away control forever and that is indeed what will happen…”

“So what in the King’s English does that bloody well mean?”

“He will have inadvertently relinquished his human form and accepted his ‘out of his control’ hated inanimate form forever, but also, forgoes all feeling. He will be a desperate soul and permanently feeling panic and locked in a plastic form... unable to feel touch, or gain comfort…”

“So how do we *fix this*

“He must address his fear, I will assist you both through that, but also he must become more vampiric. He is your Consort yet it seems… Ahhh I will wait until we have had a few sessions before I give you my full opinion. In the mean time use our facilities… treat him like a day old Childe, spar with him, talk with him of the Laws and your history, share your blood so he might tap into a little your vampire senses. And if you dare, share the memories of the elders of your Bay clans, that he might truly feel the Consort of their leader.

“Lastly I recommend – sooner rather than later, that you take him to observe the two who attacked him as they are now… I hear they are quite the enthusiastic ‘bottoms’ these days, in all senses of the word.” The doctor winked and Spike wondered just how much he knew. “Your decision to change all the bindings and the bedding was an excellent one – but it seems has left him with a measure of denial and as you have seen in here, that is not healthy but will be addressed in our sessions. Oh and one other thing… allow your Consort to invoke the spell rather than you – allow him to feel in control.

“Now I’ll leave you to it, try massage… if he calms, ring through and we’ll book a session today, if not then I will see you at midday tomorrow to discuss the schedule and your required resources.”

With that the doctor withdrew, leaving Spike with a near catatonic partner and hearing the doctor mumble as he closed the door to their suite “*Most* extraordinary, exciting case!!!” He couldn’t help think that he’d rather not be so bloody extraordinary!

As the doctor suggested, he began to massage his distraught lover until the tension left and Xander stretched out. They lay together for almost an hour, Spike just petting his partner gently, until finally Xander slept.

The following four weeks found them with one sometimes two hour long, daily sessions with Dr De Arth, initially together, Spike holding tight to Xander’s hand and on occasion feeding him a little from his wrist (with the doctor’s full approval) but as Xander seemed to improve, the Consort attended solo.

Spike and he sparred and worked out together daily – Xander a quick study as it turned out, and genuinely enjoying increased fitness. Spike increasingly impressed by his Consort and ‘pushing the limit’ of humans, though there was cause to wonder if the increased blood exchange was having an effect as Xander seemed to become quicker and more agile by the day.

They spent long hours talking about Vampire Law – going online via Spike’s cellphone and a laptop to let Xander research for himself… He even found his own name mentioned as ‘Esteemed Consort’ of the latest Master of the Bay. They also spoke frankly of his and William’s human past… and of Spike’s vampire years pre Sunnydale… the *real* story… no editing.

By the end of the second week, the worry was that the panic was *still present*.

Xander finally agreed to hypnosis with ‘the Psych’, and found himself addressing a range of issues that were well and truly from his past. But it was the day he returned to their suite still in tears half way through the third week that seemed to be the real turning point.

Spike was on his cell phone and had a laptop in front of him, grumbling about something to do with the Bay Clans, “Bloody incompetent sods, couldn’t organize a feeding frenzy in a warzone!”

As he saw his partner so visibly upset, however, he finished the call swiftly and moved to catch him but there was no need. Xander simply said, “I’m ready to see them Spike… I need to see them…”

A night later after spending their requisite twenty-four hours locked together, they dressed in silence, alighted a taxi and drove to Lady Gillian’s.


They were greeted with enthusiasm – the ‘lady’ herself seemed of dubious gender with the hands and hips (and obvious bulge) of a male but the breasts, and legs of a female supermodel, and the added addition of a pretty tail, which Xander only noticed as she turned to find the room ‘the boys’ were in. She smiled a knowing smile and offered to lead them to the suite herself, Xander noting, with not a little jealousy, how the demon took his partner’s arm so easily, as she led them off.


Xander watched as the first of his attackers ‘KD’ walked up to a pair of vampires entering Lady Gillian’s ‘blue room’, knelt politely and literally begged to be taken on the spot. The demon madam giggled, “So nice to have them willingly volunteer their services, they’ve been so fun in training too!”

A brothel assistant folded the compliant man over a purpose built bench and shackled his ankles to the posts leaving him pulled wide open.

One vampire dropped his jeans, grabbed the man’s hair, not violently, merely lifting his head to the right angle before he his rather impressively sized erection was pushed down a willing throat as the vampire bit down on a now bucking and groaning KD’s wrist. It seemed that the other vampire had bitten into and was taking the right buttock of their ‘friend’, and the fisting had begun.

Xander could not help noticing the ‘Demons’ Bitch’ now tattooed across the back of his neck and the man’s restrained purple erection as he squirmed and pleaded for “just one sip” and release… a dripping wrist raised to the mouth but not release allowed.

Xander was ready ‘not to look’ but staid with his partner’s hand and watched.

As soon as freed from the chair, blood taken but still wanting, his assailant again sat dazed and hopeful by the door, rubbing his bound member with his bound hands and squirmed so the large butt plug that had again been inserted moved ‘just so’.

Then Xander saw the other. ‘Carl’ was ball gagged and straddling a huge vampire seated in a dark corner being entered and bitten, groaning with every thrust before the vampire obviously completed and pulled out.

The vampire then lifted the pale boy onto another figure sitting in an adjacent armchair “OK John … you’re next, that’s what you want, isn’t it boy. And don’t forget what the Lady Gillian said. Give him a swig of your blood afore you start… Hilarious, he’ll crawl, bark, beg – you name it! ”

‘John’ fell into game face, growled and said, “Well… do you want some?” Tearing open his wrist in the process and receiving a willing – even enthusiastic nod.

It was Xander’s epiphany, “They did that to me didn’t they.”

He was safe wrapped in Spike’s arms. “Yeah and no Pet… that’s the point the dear Doc has been trying to make. These boys chose their fate… they all but predicted it… and the hard part is that this don’t hurt them… they crave it … they want it… they get paid for it… Not like you Pet… you never chose it … But I did … I *chose* to spend time… and I need you back. I really do Pet… I love you… and you die… I will take me last draft of the red stuff and ask someone to stake me!”

With a tight grip on Spike’s hand, he had confronted his attackers and found himself with nothing to say even if able. What could one say but some old statement like ‘You reap what you sew’ or some such…” It was, indeed, the turning point, and Xander eventually turned and said, “Take us home… Please. Master Spike – your Consort awaits your attentions... you have done me more honour than I deserve… but … still… Oh Gh#@!!! I love you Spike!”

It was another Xu Pa Lao moment but this time, in essence, for Xander. Both Xander and Spike began crying and exchanging blood… their commitment to each other was sure… and the shift to a strong, competent, wonderful Master’s Consort, in a strange sort of way the original Xander… but now with the beginnings of the true training of a Consort and the skills to match… it was odd, new, wonderful.

They checked out of the De Arth centre with full support of Xander’s doctor and staff and returned home…

A day later their making love was subtly, wonderfully, different.

They remained connected as *Xander* willingly, lovingly, asked if Spike might invoke the spell. Bound, as in days of old, they joyfully joined and Spike felt his dear friend relax as the change, still swift and somewhat painful, took them both as the entwined figures.

The young minion who had originally supplied the ‘gifts’ on that first fateful night, and who was now charged with watching over the pair for the evening, looked across to his fellow ex-mid-thirties divorcee lawyer, now minion guardian, and simply said… “See!!! I *told you*.” Though the Master and Consort would be forever in the dark as to what was ‘told’!
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