Author: Thea Zara aka 50ftqueenie
Warnings/Squicks: The plot is driven by child abuse (both sexual and physical), non-con, slash, violence, attempted suicide, bloodplay, and the author making horribly cliche use of multiple personality disorder caused by the first two. There is however plot and H/C. The non con/child abuse is part of that and NOT part of the slash relationship itself.
Summary: Xander has a trigger, and with an unexpected death, the First now has a means to use it. Set just after Angelus has been re-souled in Season 4 of Angel, and just prior to the Buffy episode 'Dirty Girls'.
Author's note: This is obviously going to go AU right off the bat, and in this AU, Spike's trigger is broken enough that the First can no longer make him kill, but it can still cause blackouts.
Previous Parts: Memories
Xander Harris woke up warm and content, snuggled up to someone. 'Ok brain stop and rewind that.' He thought to himself before he forced himself to open his eyes and found himself face to chest with the bleached menace. Face to chest with the bleached menace in bondage. He had a ball-gag stuffed in his mouth, his arms were held taunt over his head to the headboard and his eyes were blazing at Xander. They were both naked.
Timidly, Xander reached up and removed the ball gag. "It's about bloody time you woke up. Get me out of these fucking cuffs."
"What the hell happened? What did you do?" Xander asked, his brains whirling and spinning into unthinkable directions.
"Well isn't that bloody rich. I may still have blackouts, Harris, but I'm not quite nimble enough to cuff myself out like this without help, so why don't you tell me what happened, and quit playing dumb. And while you're at it, kindly stop humping my leg. I'd say it's pretty obvious what happened wouldn't you?" His tone was cold.
The realization that he had in fact been pressing his morning wood into Spike's thigh 'but not humping' caused him to turn several shades of red with embarrassment, but as the rest of Spike's words sunk in he went deathly pale, even when compared with the undead man chained down next to him. He jumped from the bed and flew towards the bathroom, leaving Spike still fuming and cuffed.
It wasn't the sex that bothered Spike, not that they'd actually had sex if the smells were anything to go by, but the fact that yet another Scooby wanted to deny him; wanted to pretend he didn't exist in their precious world, despite the soul, or maybe even because of it. Had Xander set off the trigger so he could get revenge on the demon? The longer Spike thought about it, the more he didn't buy it. Something was definitely rotten here. Mojo, maybe, but he just couldn't see Xander Harris willingly climbing into bed naked with him, despite the fact that he was fairly sure the cuffs and gag had come from his and demon girl's stash. If it hadn't been for what those bastards Wood and Rupes had pulled, he'd have said definitely not, but he hadn't expected that betrayal, so maybe he wasn't any kind of judge.
He could hear the boy retching in the bathroom for long minutes. The idea that sex with him made the man sick to his stomach was more of a blow than he thought it would be. It was obvious the boy was straight. A bloke could look like a god and get turned away if the one doing the turning didn't swing that direction. So why was Spike more offended by Xander's disgust than by the fact that he left Spike cuffed?
All Xander could think about was how he must have used Spike. It all added up: Spike's bed. Spike's room. Spike was cuffed. Spike has blackouts. Spike would never want Xander. On the flip side: Xander's toys. Xander was free. Xander was naked. Xander wanted Spike.
He was a rapist. He raped Spike. Xander Harris raped Spike. No matter how he said it, it just didn't feel real. He'd become his father. Suddenly it all felt real. He'd seen what he was capable of, the anger and the violence, at the wedding. He should have done the right thing then. He should have had himself put down rather than risk hurting anyone.
"He's the one who needs put down, Xan. Look what he tried to do to me. He tried to rape me. An eye for an eye, Xan. Now go kill the filthy thing for me, please. Kill him before he tries to hurt Dawnie."
"He would never do that, Buffy. He would never hurt Dawnie, but I might, and I can't let that happen." Xander reached past her. He turned the water on in the tub and thumbed the stopper down before going back to the sink. He pulled out a small cleaning bucket and started rinsing it out carefully and sitting it beside the bath. Finally he reached into the medicine cabinet and started digging around. Buffy watched all this in silence, her eyes calculating. As he shuffled through the pill bottles and hygiene products she spoke again.
"You have to kill the monster, Xan. You have to."
"I am, Buf, I am."
Just as he picked up what he was looking for, a new voice started talking, and Xander whirled around to confirm it. "Jesse!"
"What's the matter, Xander? You can fuck the undead, but you can't kill 'em. Unless they're your friends, right? I guess then its easy."
"Jesse, no! I didn't mean to, I swear I didn't. Someone pushed you and I didn't have time to think."
"Sure and now that you do, you decided we make great bedfellows? I guess your dad was right about you all along."
"Well then go kill the filthy thing. Show me."
"He's not the one who deserves it." Xander said before climbing into the half full scalding hot tub. The heat didn't faze him and he looked around for Jesse or Buffy, but neither was there now. "I'm sorry." he whispered then started.
He worked carefully with small shallow strokes, gritting his teeth against the pain. Once the final line was finished he reached down to reposition the bucket properly and then sliced open his left wrist, leaving it spurt into the bucket beside him. With his right index finger he wrote on the wall, dipping again and again into the slices on his chest until he finished. Once he was done he closed his eyes and waited.