Author: Thea Zara aka 50ftqueenie
Warnings/Squicks: The plot is driven by child abuse (both sexual and physical), non-con, slash, violence, attempted suicide, bloodplay, and the author making horribly cliche use of multiple personality disorder caused by the first two. There is however plot and H/C. The non con/child abuse is part of that and NOT part of the slash relationship itself.
Summary: Xander has a trigger, and with an unexpected death, the First now has a means to use it. Set just after Orpheus in Season 4 of Angel, and just prior to the Buffy episode 'Dirty Girls'.
Author's note: This is obviously going to go AU right off the bat, and in this AU, Spike's trigger is broken enough that the First can no longer make him kill, but it can still cause blackouts.
Previous Parts: Memories
They were walking into the Hyperion when they ran into two people neither of them expected to see. Red and the crazy slayer. 'What was her name again? Fate or Faith or something like that.' He'd only met her the once and she was wearing a Buffy skin at the time. Course you could say she knew how to make an impression. Xander's reaction was even weirder than the weirdness of running into the pair of them together there. He ducked down behind Spike and suddenly he knew it wasn't Xander, it was 'Alex'.
"Red, didn't expect to see you still here. Finished souling up my poof of a sire?"
"What the hell is he doing here with X?" Faith demanded.
"I'm not sure, but it's ok, he has a soul now." Willow answered in a preoccupied manner.
"He what? You cursed him?" Willow didn't answer instead she was looking at Xander in a peculiar way.
Instead Spike answered. "I did something stupid and hurtful and needed to make it right, so I went through the Trials, and earned back my soul. Red here didn't have nothing to do with it."
"What did you do to him?" Willow asked her eyes quickly shifting to black.
Before Spike could answer Faith grabbed Spike and pinned him up against the side of the building. Before she could swing a punch, 'Alex' grabbed her free hand. "No! Don't you hurt him." Shocked she dropped Spike and stepped back, while 'Alex' checked Spike over.
"I'm ok, luv. They didn't mean anything by it, thought maybe I hurt you, that's all. They're friends of yours." Spike said in a soothing voice.
Red watched them closely, then turned to Spike, the black in her eyes not increasing any longer, but not dissipating either. "What is going on?"
"The First is trying to get at him. I think his trigger sends him back to being young. Something happened to him back then, before you and he knew each other, and the First tried to use that to get him to hurt me."
Willow looked him over for damage before she replied. "What happened?"
"I'm not entirely sure, I got bits and pieces from his mind while he was feeding, but it's a jumble. I think the first tripped my trigger too, so I wouldn't know, wouldn't remember. It had him cuff me up and wanted him to... do things to me. Talked him through it a little at a time, but when it came to hurting me, the boy refused, passed out along side me in the bed. We woke up confused and he thought he'd done things. I couldn't remember what happened, and he just didn't take things well."
"What do you mean, didn't take things well? What did he do?" Spike held up Xander's 'Alex, he's Alex right now' left arm for Red and the slayer to see.
Faith hit the ground on her knees, Willow would have too, but there was something wrong with the picture. "Why is he healed? If this just happened, Spike, why is he healed?"
"I realized what was happening, what the First was goading him into. I had to help him, stop him. I was pretty fucking late. It was the only way, Red. I swear it was the only way."
"You turned him?" She asked eyes darkening again, wind blowing her hair around as she turned on Spike.
"Are you out of your ever loving mind, Red? Boy's still warm, got a pulse and everything." Spike cried out afraid of the witch's power, but infuriated even more.
"What did you do, then?"
"I cleaned the wound, vamped out to get the saliva going and licked him clean, arm and chest. It wasn't enough, I could tell it wasn't enough, so I had him drink from me. I swear it was the only thing I could have done besides letting him die." Spike suddenly collapsed in on himself, allowing himself to really accept just what it was he'd done tonight. He'd tied Xander to him, for all eternity, whether the boy wanted it or not. If he'd been faster, it might have been different, but he could feel it. There was too much of Spike's blood in Xander's blood now. The bond couldn't help but take, and Xander would hate him forever, or maybe just finish what he started, and kill them both.
"He's a consort now, isn't he? You made him your mate."
He couldn't bear to look at her. Couldn't survive seeing the disgust and hatred that would be in her eyes. "Yes."
When arms slipped around him he stiffened, waiting for the pain of whatever she would do for vengeance. When she kissed him on the cheek he looked into her now clear green eyes, startled. "Thank you." She said simply. She must have seen the shock in his eyes, because she went on. "Thank you for saving his life. Thank you for giving him a chance. Thank you."
Faith finally spoke up. "So why'd you bring him here? Fang's been having troubles of his own lately, so why drag your new hubby here?"
"The First is still after both of us. Plus I need him to cmpltthrital." Spike mumbled the last.
"What was that Fang Jr?"
"I need him to complete the ritual. It was either him or Dru and she's got some weird ideas about Xander, used to go on and on about him being her kitten and wanting to turn him, so that leaves Peaches."
"What's this ritual involve? Not cutting out any hearts or anything like that?" Faith asked.
"Oye you lot watch way to much Indiana Jones, you know that. Nah its just a bit of give and take of blood. A few words of mumbo jumbo, then Xander is accepted by the line and its all complete." Spike said with a hint of false bravado.
"So if it's no biggie, why drag X out in the middle of the night to get it done?"
"Cause if I don't finish the ritual, he might revert. Reversion in this case means a sliced open arm and some nifty letter-work on his chest. Then right after he dies from his wounds, I start going into fits of agony until I die too." Spike practically snarled.
At his words Willow reached out to a trembling 'Alex' and pulled open his shirt. The word monster was fading, but still clearly visible. She turned to Spike again as her hands dropped from her friend in shock. "Why?"
"He did it himself, musta been before the arm. When he drank from me, we shared memories. He thought he raped me. Thought he'd become his father. Couldn't let that happen, couldn't let himself put any of his girls in danger, couldn't live with what he thought he'd done to me."
Something that he'd said struck a nerve and suddenly Willow was looking at him, through him despite the tears in his eyes, trying to figure something out. Finally she just asked, "What do you mean, thought he'd become his father?"
"His father raped him, repeatedly when he was little. At some point before he turned five, before he started school and met you. Before the yellow crayon led him to his sister."
Spike waited for the rise of magic again, but it just didn't come. The anger wasn't drenched in blackness and greed. This was pure rage, no magics just the burning desire for justice, justice rendered from her own hands. Unfortunately, Spike was pretty sure none of them would get that chance. "I'm sorry, pet, but I think our chance at the bastard is gone. The first was apparently wearing his face to control Xan. The fucker must have died."
Now blackness came up. With it came the echoey evil Willow voice, the blacken hair and the raging wind. "We will raise him from the dead over and over only to rend him to pieces slowly. He will suffer a thousand deaths by our hands and still it won't be enough retribution. He will beg and plead until his tongue is wrenched from his mouth, but we will show no mercy. He will never know peace. He w-" She cut off as two strong arms wrapped around her, holding her close ignoring the trappings of darkness that wove around her.
"My Wills." He said and tucked his head onto her shoulder. In less than a minute she was back to green eyes and red hair and she pulled him over to one of the stone benches to hold him and cry.
Spike and Faith stood off to one side, both a little in shock. Neither had seen Willow quite like that before. Although Spike had heard stories about what had happened after he'd left to get his soul. About how Xander had saved the world, about how Willow had almost ended it. He'd seen flashes in Xander's memories, but even then never really believed it had been that dire, that the girl could have gone that far. Now he believed. Now he knew. And Jesus if he wasn't turned on by the power... just a smidge. Well, his demon was, at any rate. His soul, however, was attracted to the man who'd stood up to that power; Stood up to it, and defeated it. Dammit he wasn't supposed to be getting all hard and soft all over for the whelp, consort or not.
He shoved down his feelings for the boy for now and squatted down in front of him. "Xan, luv, you back?"
"I'm here, Spike." He looked up over Willow's shoulder into soft brown eyes, that were looking back down at him. "I'm so sorry, Spike."
"Nothing to be sorry for, luv. You did what you could to protect me, and I did what I had to in order to protect you. I just wish I hadn't had to force you to become my consort."
"That's ok, Spi- force who to be your what now?" Xander asked completely confused.
"I guess 'Alex' didn't share that bit with you. When you did what you did, the only way to save you, was to exchange blood. I had to make you my consort and now we're going to have my poof of a sire complete the ritual."
The look of horror and loathing on Xander's face would have seriously offended Spike, did in fact, until Xander spoke up again. He threw himself at Spike's feet, head bowed down in sorrow and supplication. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry I didn't deserve it. I made you tie yourself to me, and I'm not worth it. I'm so sorry. You shouldn't have done it, I'm a monster like him. I'm sorry."
Spike had quite enough. "SHUT UP!" Both Faith and Willow, who'd each been reaching towards Xander froze when he yelled. He dropped down to his knees, bringing himself closer to Xander's level, before speaking again. "You didn't make me do a damned thing, Xan, and you didn't hurt me, I told you before, that bitch the First tried to make you hurt me. She went so far as to use something so fucking evil I don't even think Angelus would approve to try and make you, and you stood up for me, you told 'em no. I didn't understand at first, didn't remember, cause the bitch played me too. She tripped my own trigger too, so I blacked out. I didn't know what happened when we woke up and I was hurt and angry and thought another Scooby I had feelings for was rejecting me. I was wrong, so bloody wrong, Xan. I'm the one who should be sorry, I didn't know how badly it would hurt you, and I'm so fucking sorry for that, but I'm not sorry we're bonded. I'm just sorry I took away your choice. I wouldn't have forced you into the bond without asking if it weren't so damned dire."
As usual, Xander picked up on the one part of that whole rambling speech Spike least wanted him to. "You have feelings for me?" He asked, eyes wide and just screaming 'hurt me' like he expected Spike to say 'fuck no'.
"I wanted you when Angel first offered you up, but I still loved Dru then. After the chip, I couldn't decide whether to hate you, cause I couldn't have you, or respect you for taking all your friends' crap - sorry, Red, but you lot didn't do right by him for awhile there - and still fighting the good fight, being loyal like. Then the want came back, but I was this thing you hated, cause of Jesse, right?" Willow gasped quietly as if suddenly making a very painful realization, but Xander simply nodded once.
"Thought so. Anyway, you hated me, and the only thing I could do not to feel like crap was hate you back, but even then I couldn't help but respect you. Then I had to go and bollocks things up with the slayer, then with Anyanka. I thought I'd finally made sure you'd never give two shits about me. And then you turned around and let Buffy stash me at your place. Most of that was wanting to keep them safe, I get that, but being there helped me, more than even I realized. I was still trying to push down the want and the respect, and suddenly it wasn't just the demon who wanted you. Hell the demon still wanted Buffy on some level despite knowing she'd never want us back, but the soul, luv, the soul couldn't get enough of you, began to love you. It was so good and so horrible at the same time. The demon and the soul agreeing on something, on wanting something, someone. But we knew you wouldn't want us, couldn't want us, because of what we, I am. Because of what I'd done. Then to wake up next to you, and have you deny me, even though I didn't know what the hell was going on, it was just... well it hurt, and all I could do was hurt back, and I'm so fucking sorry, you'll never know just how sorry I am."
"You love me? How can you love me?" Both women had reached out to Xander as he crouched in front of Spike, and when he asked his questions, two sets of arms wrapped around his trembling body.
"How could he not?" Willow asked, eyes locked on Xander, while Faith's locked on Spike as if daring him to contradict Willow. "You're amazing, Xander."
Xander immediately went bashful, shades of Alex bled through as he blushed prettily.
"Come on, X, let's get you and your new hubby inside and get Fang to make this all official like." Faith said, helping Xander to his feet.
"Ok." He said quietly, still blushing as the two girls walked him inside.
Spike waited until no one was watching and wiped his eyes before following them inside.
From here out posts will be further apart as this ends the 'prewritten' bits. Possibly part five tonight barring life interrupting the muse.