Author: Thea Zara aka 50ftqueenie
Warnings/Squicks: The plot is driven by child abuse (both sexual and physical), non-con, slash, violence, attempted suicide, bloodplay, and the author making horribly cliche use of multiple personality disorder caused by the first two. There is however plot and H/C. The non con/child abuse is part of that and NOT part of the slash relationship itself.
Summary: Xander has a trigger, and with an unexpected death, the First now has a means to use it. Set just after Orpheus in Season 4 of Angel, and just prior to the Buffy episode 'Dirty Girls'.
Author's note: This is obviously going to go AU right off the bat, and in this AU, Spike's trigger is broken enough that the First can no longer make him kill, but it can still cause blackouts.
Previous Parts: Memories
Xander woke up and tried to look around the strange room. Instead he found his eyes locked on the doorway, and the thing leaning in it, casual as you please. One leg crossed over the other, elbow out and leaning against the side. It was a total Spike pose. 'Naughty sex-on-a-stick pose number 7 to be exact'. But the thing standing there, posing itself like Spike? That thing was anti-sex. Even during his 'linoleum' days, the thing standing in front of him would have his dangly bits crawling up inside for safety.
"Don't know why I bother with you, pet. I mean you don't have any follow through, now do you? Chain me all up to take advantage, and then when you can't get it up for that, you go blubbering off to well.. off yourself. And how does that little travesty turn out, hmm? You managed to make me pity you. Tricked me into tying myself to a complete waste of skin. Isn't that right pet? And now, well now your gonna manage to not only off yourself but me as well, cause there's no way Angel's gonna want a piece of trash like you mucking up the family lines, soul or no."
Xander blinked a couple times then jumped to his feet with a grin, forced though it may be. "You know that would work a lot better if you remembered to put on your make-up." He said as he sauntered past it. "By the way, your horns are showing." He stage whispered before stepping into the hallway and away from the scream of rage.
He followed the hall to the stairs and then the loud voices to Angel's office.
"Look, you can either complete the ritual, or the pair of us will be out of the good fight for a few months while we track down Dru, assuming we can, and you can explain to Buffy that her big gun is gallivanting around South America looking for his ex because you had to be a nosy git."
"I am not being nosy, I just need to make sure that you're not using Xander somehow, that you haven't tricked him into this claim as a way in with Buffy and the rest."
"Have you lost your ever loving mind? Just a couple nights ago, Buffy went against her boss AND Rupes on my behalf. If I wanted an in with her, I'd hardly pick falling for Xander and making sure I would never ever stand a chance with her again."
"Again? What the hell do you mean again?"
"Er right... you didn't actually know about that, um... "
At this point, Xander figured he could hardly do any worse. "Buffy had some issues about coming back from the dead. Spike gave her what she needed. They're friends now and him and me has nothing to do with him and her. Oh and did you know the First is hanging around your hotel rooms making like the Pro Suicide Hot line?"
Angel and Spike both spun around to look at him as he strolled into the room and plunked himself down in the free chair next to Spike. When what he said registered, Spike slipped into game face momentarily and hissed.
"What did that bitch say to you?" Spike demanded.
"The First? As in the First Evil? It's here?" Angel looked around the room, as if expecting an attack.
"Yeah, it's here. And I gotta say this latest mind fuck was kinda pathetic. Seriously, I'm a little insulted." Xander said, one hand taking Spike's. "It didn't even bother trying to look like anyone I know."
"What DID it look like, pet?" Spike asked while twining his fingers through Xander's.
"Horns, scales, the usual evil demon look. Funny thing is it had your voice and mannerisms. It's like it forgot to put on it's 'Spike' costume, before it started taunting me."
"You saw what the First really looks like?" Angel asked, concentrating on Xander again, instead of searching the room for non-existent phantoms.
"Maybe, or it could be another trick, who knows. I just know the thing that tried to tell me how you don't think I'm worthy to be part of the line, and how I'm gonna cause Spike to die because of it, seemed to think it looked like Spike, when in reality it had great big horns and looked like a demon bull on steroids."
"You just left that thing upstairs without warning anyone?" Angel yelled and rushed towards the door.
"Has the hair gel and the smog gone to your brain, Deadboy?" Xander asked, his voice the epitome of sweet concern.
Angel growled. "What?"
"It's the First, dumbass. It's incorporeal, which pretty much means it can show up wherever it wants to, but it can't touch anything. The most powerful witch and the smartest watcher I know don't have any ideas on how to keep it out, so I seriously doubt you will, especially when your big plan to deal with it last time was trying for a suntan. Besides that, Deadboy, I came right down here and told you, so don't go saying I didn't warn anyone."
"It's just, my son, Cordelia... no one here knows what that thing is capable off, they need to be on guard against it. You don't understand what that thing can do to a person." Angel argued earnestly.
"Wrong, Deadboy. I completely get what it can do to a person." He said waving his scared arm at the dark haired vampire. "And instead of standing around bitching at me, why don't you get out there and warn all those people you're worried about."
Angel looked at Xander's wrist in shock and then moved out of the office and started calling out for the others. Spike left him to it and shut the office door, before pulling Xander to him.
"Are you really ok, luv?" He asked, senses trained on Xander.
"Yeah, I'm fine. I keep this up, we really are gonna have to go hunting for Dru. Why can't I ever keep my mouth shut. There's just something about him that makes my mouth override my brains. I used to think I was just jealous over Buffy, but that's not it." Xander threw himself back down into the chair.
"Yer attracted to him on some level." Spike said, struggling to keep the growl out of his voice.
"Eww much? I am SO not attracted to Angel." Xander said making a yuck face.
"Luv, I had flashes of your memories during the bond, I know you were." Spike said in a small voice.
"And what memories were these, Spike?"
"When you first met him." Spike answered.
"Right and since then he showed me what a coward he was about facing the master, and then offered me up to someone he knew perfectly well was quite capable of eating me in the not good way, and then went evil and terrorized my friends and was instrumental in killing two of them and torturing another. After that he comes back and not only punches me in the face, but LEAVES me there unconscious at night on the Hellmouth, knowing that both slayers have other things to do that night aside from protecting the innocent. I guarantee you there is no part of me that's attracted to him."
"Good." Spike said with a small smile.
This parts a bit short, but it was a good stopping point.