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You know they're doin' it
Title: Ahn-pire Author: Thea Zara aka 50ftqueenie Warnings: Character… 
31st-May-2007 04:39 pm
Choo-choo Pussy
Title: Ahn-pire
Author: Thea Zara aka 50ftqueenie
Warnings: Character death, language, nudity, het and threesome, hopefully comedy.
Pairing: X/Anya, X/Anya/Spike, W/T
Summary: Anya gives Xander some bad news, things progress from there.
Author's notes: This was originally posted at Twisting the Hellmouth (although it's not a crossover) in seven short parts, I'm just gonna put em all together here since they only add up to around 3500 words, and seven posts would be kinda dumb on my part at this point. Each part is a seperate conversation.

"Xander, I'm dying."

"What! Ahn, hon, we discussed this already didn't we? You're human and you're clock is ticking and all that?"

"We did, but this is different. My traitorous inside bits are shriveling up and betraying me. I think my ovaries are a man. Lying cheating things, promising lots of babies and instead I get tumors and unpleasant talks about radiation and chemotherapy. "

"Ovaries? What can we do? What can I do?"

"There is nothing we can do. There is something I am going to have done, but I needed to tell you first, because afterwards I don't think you'll still want to date me."

"Oh God, Ahn, honey. Whatever it is we'll get through it I promise. I love you and I don't want to lose you."

"You can promise that now, but you haven't heard my solution yet, so please don't."

"Is it D'hoffryn? Are you going to go back to being a vengance demon?"

"That is actually plan B."

"So what's plan A?"

"I am going to have Spike turn me into a vampire."


"That's why I didn't want you to promise. I know you hate the idea of sleeping with a vampire, and it's unfair of me to expect you to want to stay with me after I'm turned."

"Ahn, there are a lot of issues with that plan. Things you might not have thought through cause of everything thats going on."

"Oh, no. I have been very thorough about this. Willow and Tara are going to help me. They can make a potion that makes me just un-human enough so that Spike can bite me."

"But what about your soul?"

"Oh yes I am most certainly going to be keeping that. I would be very upset if my new demon did not embrace capitalism and cost me money. Oh or if she wanted to maim and murder our friends, that would also be bad."

"What about the..."

"Don't worry about that stupid happyness clause. I am really quite happy with my orgasms and had the witches rework the spell. There wouldn't be much point to saving me if I could no longer enjoy orgasms. It had better work properly, because it cost us a pretty penny in Magic Box stock to get that spell worked out."

"So you do all this, and suddenly you're going to go from human to vampire. Where does that leave us?"

"Where do you want it to leave us?"

"Anya, I love you, and I don't want you to die. If Willow and Tara can keep you yourself, I think I can learn to live with being a necrophiliac."

"Are you sure, Xander? I know how much trouble you had with Buffy and Angel."

"My main trouble with them was he was a 250 year old shmuck macking on a teenage girl, and all while hiding what a complete and total whackjob he was."

"So you won't leave me once I become one of the undead?"

"Of course not, hon. I already know what a whackjob you are, and love you anyway."

"Well that's ok then."


"It would be quite economical... and just, don't forget just."


"Think of the money we'd save."


"Spike thinks it's a good idea."

"You're not helping your case here, Ahn. He's just hoping you'll let him have the leftovers."

"There wouldn't be leftovers. It's not punishment if Spike gets leftovers."


"Yes it wouldn't be appropriate to let things get that far. After all if you're too dead to care you can't exactly be suffering for your slimeball ways."

"And in some reality that's a good point... just not this one."

"Please, Xander? Even if I promise not to kill them and leave them for Spike?"

"Not even then."

"But what if they really, really deserve it."


"But why not?"

"Why not... you have to ask why not?"

"Of course I have to ask. It makes perfect sense. It's not only economical, but gives me a nice hobby that helps me remember my heritage."

"Again with the not helping your case, Ahn."

"Why not?"

"Ahn, do I really have to explain why, considering how you first came into my life, I think its a bad idea for you to eat every cheating male you can find?"

"Xander Harris, that had better not be your sneaky way of letting me know you're cheating on me, cause soul or no I still have connections and.."

"NO... no Ahn, no cheating, not for me. I may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but I at least try not to make the same mistake twice, and I've listened to your old work stories. I like my manly bits in working order."

"Good point, I do like your bits in working order. I guess I can do without eating all the cheating bastards."

"That's my girl."

"Relationships are give and take right? I agreed to not drink all the cheating jerks out there, so maybe you should agree to give me something now."

"Mmmm. That sounds fair. Just what did you want me to give you."

"Well, I have been asking for this for quite some time. I would like to collect now."

"Oh yeah, Ahn. What do you want your Xan to give you?"

"I want you to give me a threesome. You, me and Sire. I'm sure he would agree and it would be quite a lot of fun... Xander are you ok? It's alright... breath, honey. Xander! You know I can't perform CPR now that I'm a vampire, so you are not allowed to choke to death."


"I did no such thing."

"Oh, you so did."

"Bloody Hell, I did not."

"Sure you did. You still think I'm a nummy treat."

"Oye, I'll have you know I've got some taste."

"You dated Harmony. Even I wouldn't sink that low."

"Just cause she wouldn't have you, you mean. And I did not"

"Did to."


"If you didn't encourage it, then where the Hell did she get the idea."

"She's got nine hundred plus years on me, you wanker, during which she spent most of her time watching men be the lowest form of pigs, and you think I'm the cause of her naughty thoughts? I didn't know you thought that highly of me, mate. Thanks."


"So it's sweet talk now and shagging later then, pet?"

"Look, just stop using your stupid sire powers over her."

"So that's it then? You think I'm after her? I save her bloody life by making her a childe, my one and only childe ever by the way, and the thought of that has you all jealous. Wanker."

"I'm not jealous."

"I think you are. Afraid the big bad is gonna crook his Sire finger and your little bird is gonna fly right into his hands. Sorry, mate, bird's not some stupid fledge, she's a childe with a soul no less. Girl knows her own mind. 'S'not really my fault if her mind is a kinky, kinky place, now is it?"

"Really? You can't just influence her cause you made her?"

"Do you really think Angelus would've spent so much time tying me up and beating the Hell outta me if he could just twinkle his stupid sire's nose and make me behave?"


"Right, ok, bad example, we both know he was a right bastard like that, but really no. Your bird knows her own mind, Harris, and I doubt I could force her to so much as give me an extra twenty from the cash register, let alone influence her sexcapades."

"Hell, Giles can't get her to give him an extra twenty, and its his money."

"Right... so about these sexcapades... what time does she have our threesome scheduled?"


"You're in big trouble, Mister."

"Good morning to you too."

"Don't you get all cute with me. I'm very angry with you right now."

"Aww Wills, what'd I do?"

"What did you do? What did you do? More like a who, you big poopy head."


"Oh no you so do not get to play inocent with me. I want details, Mister... er well not those kinds of details, but you know some information would be nice. Information that won't have me helping Anya look up shriveling spells."

"Wills, you're starting to scare me here, and you're turning the same color as you're hair, so calm down and tell me what the Hell you're talking about... In very small words, I'm kinda hung over here."

"So that's how you're gonna play it, huh? Poor Xander was drunk and Spike took advantage."

"Again I say huh? A whole world of the huh."

"Well, what's your excuse, buster."

"My excuse for what?"

"For dumping Anya for Spike."

"Are there shrimp in your reality?"


"Well I'm just wondering if this bizarre new reality has shrimp in it, cause Ahn mentioned it. So are you still gay in this reality? Oh am I rich?"

"Xander what the hell are you going on about?"

"Well if this reality's Xander left Anya for Spike, I just wanted to know what other crazy stuff happened. It'll be fun to compare notes when I go home... Unless the Germans won World War 2... ohh or maybe Communists won the cold war, cause those realities never end well."

"So you're telling me you didn't leave Anya?"


"And you haven't tossed her out to shack up with Spike."

"A whole world full of no."

"Oh my goddess, Xander, I'm so sorry. I should have known better. I'm gonna go hex a couple people for scaring me."

"So who're we hexing today, Red."

"Spike... naked... Spike... naked..."

"Ta for the info, luv, but I realized that already."

"Xander Harris!"

"Willow, I greatly appreciate you're support, but could you please stop terrorizing Xander. I was hoping he and Spike would have time for more orgasms before Xander has to go to work."

"Anya... Spike... naked..."

"Are you sure she was the smart one of you lot?"

"Hey fangless, no bashing the Willow. Besides, I think you broke her."

"Well fix her and come to bed, I want my orgasms."

"Oye, pet, why don't I just get us started on that while the whelp sees to Red."

"Would that be ok, hon?"

"Sure guys, go ahead and have fun, but don't use all the chocolate sauce... I have plans for that. I'll hit Willow's reset and be in in a few."

"When she's not broken anymore perhaps you can ask her and Tara over to 'do spells' with me while you and Spike watch."

"Now that sounds like a plan, luv. So long as it ain't that shriveling spell she was babbling about."

"Oh, I've known several hundred of those over the years. You'd be amazed at how popular a request that is for a vengence demon."




"So you're dating Anya and Spike?"

"What!?! No. That's not what this... er well... Iguesskinda."

"Are you... you know... happy?"

"In the bizarrest sort of way, yeah. I think maybe I am. Of course you are sworn from ever telling the bleached wonder that."

"It's kind of.... "

"I think I've already said bizarre."

"No, I didn't mean bizarre. Well yeah it is bizarre, I mean its you... and its Anya and Spike. Although if you take you out of that equation, it seems oddly right some how."

"Are you trying to tell me you think my girlfriend and my boyfriend, and boy how freaky is that, make a better couple without me?"

"Well they'd make a couple at least. But what I meant was they're sort of the same blunt sex me up now please type people... and oh my god I get it now you're dating the same person just in two bodies."

"And sitting here still confused... and maybe a little insulted."

"Oh, no sweetie. It just finally dawned on me. You did the same thing for both of them."

"Well not exactly the same thing, although they both like this thing I can do with my tongue... and oh my God someone shut me up."

"Ok not the time for the naughty talk, although Tara does this... er I mean what I meant by that was you took two demons who had to learn to function in the human world and you helped them."

"I kinda get that. I mean I know Ahn had a lot of trouble adjusting."

"Spike did too, you helped him with that. You refused to see him as helpless, and showed a healthy amount of fear and respect for him. I really think that helped him survive. Buffy falls back on banter, but ultimately she couldn't show him respect cause she's the slayer. Tara and me would have been way to touchy feely about it, plus Tara and Dawn both missed his microscope whaling days, so they see him as this big fluffy not quite so bad. He likes that, but it wasn't what he needed to adjust."

"So basically I helped by being a big old fraidy cat?"

"Watch it, buster, I'm still a little miffed at you, and insulting my best friend like that will NOT get you in my good book."

"Heh, sorry, Wills."

"What I mean is, you never saw him as helpless. You knew he could hurt us if he really wanted, and you treated him like a threat. That gave the vampire in him some self-respect when he had none. Without that, he would have probably found a way to make that whole table stakage thing work."

"I think I get what you mean."

"So basically you're dating the same personality, just in male and female varieties. Hell their even both vampires now."

"Tell me about it, gotta say the books were right. I thought Anya was orgasm crazy before, you should see her now."

"Maybe Tara and I can show her a virility spell."

"Trying to not let the ex-vengance demon get into the habit of putting spells on little Xander... and did you just offer to come over and do spells with my girlfriend?"


"So does Spike have him in some kinda thrall thingie?"

"Spike can't do that. Aparently Dru never showed him how."

"A likely story."

"No seriously, I mean if he could do that, don't you think he'd have used it on us before now?"

"Good point."

"Although, Angel couldn't thrall either... maybe its only girlie vampires that can thrall."

"Oh my God, did Anya thrall him?"

"I really don't think so, Buff."

"Well there has to be some reason for it."

"I don't know how they got started, but honestly, Buffy, they seem happy. Xander included."

"Well of course they're happy. They're all making with the kinky sex."

"And how."

"Willow did you see something?"

"See? Me see? I didn't see anything. Nope. No sir. Nothing to see there."


"I mighta kinda sorta saw Spike naked."

"You saw Spike naked?"


"What the hell where they doing?"

"Teasing me mostly... and then headed off to make with the morning sex."

"So Xander just left you to go play with the vampire lust bunnies?"

"No, he sent them off to start without him and settled in to talk with me for a few minutes... and don't call Anya a bunny... she's got the fangs to back up her phobia and I soo don't want to have to help you slay Bunnicula."

"Yeah right... cute little vampire bunnies... hide your vegitables or they'll get ymrrrglllphiip. Hey stop that. Why did you do that, Willow?"

"Think about it, Buffy, You're on the Hellmouth and it's never a good idea to make jokes like that around here."

"Oops, sorry."

"Anyway me and Xan talked and I really think he's ok with it all. I might have even made him a little better with it."

"How the heck did you do that?"

"Well I kinda sorta pointed out how much alike Spike and Anya are."

"Oh yeah they're practically twins."

"Watch the sarcasm, missy."

"Sorry. Its just Spike and Anya alike?"

"Sex obsessed demons forced to live in the human world, and who wouldn't know the word tact if it bit them in the behind."

"Good point."

"I thought so."

"So we're sure there's no thrall thingie... or blackmail?"


"Just checking."


"S-so Dawn was right?"

"Well not entirely. He's with Spike, but he didn't leave Anya."

"And they're all happy?"

"Downright chipper."

"T-that's g-good then."

"Sweetie is this making you nervous?"

"M-maybe just a l-little."

"Why? Is it your family?"

"No! It's just... well I mean..."

"What is it, Tara? Sweetie, you can tell me anything. You know that right?"

"It's j-j-just that they're... "

"Go on, it'll be ok."

"They're s-so h-hot."

"They are aren't they."

"Oh yeah... and adorable too, did you see Spike holding the door for Xander the other day?"

"No! When did that happen?"

"After we c-came back from going after that Kargoth demon. Spike held the door for Xander, and then Xander held the door for Anya."

"Speaking of the Kargoth demon, did you notice how Anya and Spike got all growly when it dodged towards Xander?"

"Oh y-yeah. That was so sweet."

"You should have seen them this morning when I went over to talk to Xander."

"They w-were cute?"

"Nooo they were naked... and kinda hot."


"Well just Spike... then Anya..."

"What about Xander?"

"He was busy talking with me, but I kinda sorta heard him after I left. Apparently Spike didn't leave enough chocolate syrup... and earned himself a spanking."

"Oh... m-my."

"Oh yeah I um... kinda... sorta suggested that we could maybe... you know if you wanted to someday... cast some spells with Anya... while the guys you know... um... watch. Pleasedon'tkillme."

"W-what k-kind of spell did you h-have in mind?"

The End
31st-May-2007 09:19 pm (UTC)
Although enjoyable, this seems like and Xander/Anya fic with a guest appearance by Spike. Does it belong on Bloodclaim?
31st-May-2007 09:33 pm (UTC)
Got to disagree with that, plenty of Spike in it, Spanya as it's classed. Thanks for a very funny story.

3rd-Jun-2007 08:12 pm (UTC)
Dialogue was hillarious and very in character - lovely job

5th-Jun-2007 03:37 am (UTC)
This was a very fun read!
5th-Jun-2007 10:56 am (UTC)
Thanks :)
9th-Jun-2007 01:28 am (UTC)
cute ^_^
26th-Sep-2007 10:52 pm (UTC)
May I rec this at the_magic_box_? It's such a good S/X/A fic!
26th-Sep-2007 11:31 pm (UTC)
Abso-posi-tutly, and thank you. :)
15th-Aug-2009 08:06 pm (UTC)
LOL! That was sweet!
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