bmblbee (bmblbee) wrote in bloodclaim,
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Xander Harris - Undercover

Title: Xander Harris - Undercover 1/40

Author: BmblBee
Rating: Adult
Paring: S/X with a side of W/G
Summary: Xander is drifting, looking for a purpose in life.
One that finally comes clear when he spots a certain
hairdresser by the name of Mr. William. Xander
immediately begins planing and plotting to win over
this scrumptious man. Of course nothing worth having
ever comes easily.
Genre: Comedy, romance. HUA
Warnings: The usual bad language as well as graphic m/m sexual
activities. Also warned of hints of poultry perversions.
Disclaimer: I own or have claim to none of the characters used
in this story and there is no profit made.
Feedback & concrit: Very appreciated and encourages continued writing.




Special thanks to Petxnd for the wonderful banner and her patience and
willingness to preread and comment on my stories.



"XANDERRRRR?"
"XANDER.! Are you down there?"

"Oh hell!"
Xander shifted his ass just slightly on the threadbare, worn
sofa. He had just finished watching Judge Joe and was waiting
patiently for Judge Alex to hear the case of the wandering
beagle who had impregnated an irate neighbor's prize Bulldog.

Grabbing up the remote, he lowered the volumn and for a fleeting
moment he almost believed his mother had thought he had gone out
and would leave him alone.
No such luck.

"Xander! I know you're down there, I heard the television. It's
almost noon and you promised to take me in town. Xandeeerrrr.
You know I can't drive with my arm in a cast. Pleeeeease."

Xander cringed. It always made his skin crawl to hear her
whine like that. Over the past 19 years he had developed a
chronic epidermal ripple.

Xander scowled and mumbled.
"God Damn it just isn't fair."
Between his favorite game shows and the various court and
talk shows, his day was strictly regimented.

One hour flowed into another and there just wasn't a lot of free time
for bull shit. Besides, he thought, she wouldn't need him to run her
all over hell's green acre if she hadn't gotten drunk - again - and run
the car into the Lucky Lube oil shop, breaking her arm.

The very same shop he just happened to be gainfully employed at.
Needless to say, Mr. Lube himself naturally blamed Xander for
his drunken mother's accident and lack of insurance
and fired him on the spot.

So here he was, unemployed, broke, still living in his parents basement
and does it get any worse, oh yes, chauffeuring said drunken mother
to all her drunken mother appointments.

Xander sighed and threw his head back yelling in the direction
of the kitchen at the top of the stairs.
"I heard you. Give me five minutes to get dressed and I'll be right up."
Xander made no move to rise, but he did shift his ass to settle on the
other cheek.

"It's the honest to God's truth, Judge. Barney here would never
go anywhere near his bulldog. He likes his bitches small an less,
slobbery."

Xander snickered at the look of outrage on the plaintiff's face
at the insult to the dog standing at his side, slobbering.

"I OBJECT! Judge Alex, I have statements from the vet that not only
are these unfortunate bastard pups half beagle, but that uncontrolled
canine Romeo gave my Babydoll fleas AND worms!"

Xander rolled with laughter when pictures of said bastard pups were
put up on the screen.
What else could Judge Alex do?

"GUILTY!"

Xander applauded along with the studio audience and eagerly looked forward
to the next case. A young college girl charging her ex-boyfriend with
stealing twenty pairs of her panties when she threw him out.

"XANDERRRRRR!! Now or I'm going to be late. You know Mr. William
is a very busy man and if you are late for an appointment with him he won't
do you. I need done, Xander."

Disgusted, Xander aimed the remote like a 38 special, and fired. Judge
Alex, the defendant and the plaintiff all disappeared along with the panties
in question.

"Hold your damn pants on. Shit I need done too but ya don't hear me
bitching about it do you?"

Xander got up and pulled his t-shirt on from yesterday, then sniffing
the seat of his knee torn jeans decided they weren't too ripe yet and
pulled them on also.

Climbing the steps he found his mother waiting impatiently at the top landing.
"Did you say something, Son?"

Xander wrinkled his nose, but made no comment about the smell of
alcohol on his mother's breath.
"I just ask you where you said we were going? Who the hell is
Mr.William?"

Jessica's bloodshot eyes and flushed skin took on a new glow and
her whole being bubbled.

"Oh, I told you about him. He is the new hair man at the Short and Curlies.
The place where I get my hair done every week. Oh, Xander he is just
wonderful. He does such an amazing job on me and he flirts shamelessly.
Now, hurry. I can't be late."

Jessica fussed with her flowered shirt and stretch pants that looked like
someone had filled the legs of them with cottage cheese. She then licked
her pinky fingers and smoothed down her eyebrows and giggled
uncontrollably.

Xander was dumbstruck. The only explanation for this behavior had
to be that the old man's paycheck had an extra dollar or two in it and she
had treated herself to a second bottle of Wild Irish Rose.

Xander shrugged.
"Yea, whatever. I'll drop you off then pick you up later. I might just
go, um, look for a job. You know I can't spend all my time sitting
around just waiting for my future to come calling. No siree. I'm out
there hunting for it. Opportunities don't grow on trees, ya know.
Nope, that's me. Opportunity hunting guy."

Jessica beamed and patted his cheek.
"Now don't you work too hard. My big brave boy. What ever happened
to that job you had at the oil changing place. Didn't it work out?"

Xander snatched the car keys off the small round table that sat just
inside the front door. They weren't hard to find. They sat neatly on top
the huge stack of bills, second notices, and threatening collections letters.

Xander rolled his eyes. Life must be lovely in that alcoholic little
universe of her's. Wonder if anyone would notice if the population
increased by one more. Then he could be drunk, creepy, basement
guy rather that just the failure that he was now.

No, that was one step he was not ready to take just yet.
But he would keep it on the back burner, just in case.

Xander went out and fired up the old Chevy. He knew he probably
should have waited and opened the door for her, but what the fuck,
she still had one good arm. Exercise would do her good.

Pulling away from the curb he watched out of the corner of his eye
as she continued to fuss. It struck him as odd that she would worry
about a few wrinkles in a shirt that had beer stains on the front,
but turned his attention back to the road and his own spotted
existence.

Xander was floating and he knew it. It wasn't that this was the life
he wanted it was just that he couldn't find a purpose. An interest.
Something bigger than himself to focus on.

For all those years, graduating from high school had been that purpose.
No one, including himself, thought he could actually do it. Bets were
made all over town with odds that would have made Vegas gambler's
hard. But he did. Somehow, with grades in the D- range, he had
squeaked through.

It was a glorious day. He stood tall with all his friends, Willow, Buffy,
Jessy. His proud family in the audience. Mom, Dad, Uncle Rory.
It was a dream come true.
Except.........

No one told him he should wear clothes under the gown.
It turned out to be a very windy day.

His mother had insisted on giving him a hair cut the night
before "to look his best"
He ended up Elmer's gluing his graduation cap to his bald head.
It was a very very windy day.

All three relatives arrived late and drunk. Unfortunately, too much beer
gives his father terrible gas.
There was no end to the damn wind that swirled around the crowd.

It was a very Xander Harris day, but fuck it, he graduated.
Sometimes he wished he hadn't. Life was a lot easier then.
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