Rating: Adult for language and activity
Summary: This is the S/X from the holiday stories.
Working for the Council, they are sent on assignments
that require their special talents. In truth they are less
interested in anything other than each other.
Disclaimer: I Own none of the characters in this story
and make no money off any of it.
Warnings: Bad language. Bad activities. m/m/monster.
Additional warnings: May be offensive to citizens of Scotland.
To them I say "oops, sorry"
Xander stood, hands on his hips and curiosity on his
"Taint. You said rub the taint. What the fuck is a taint
and how come I never heard of it before?"
The old man just shook his head. Apparently Mr. Giles
warnings of these two were not far off track. At this rate
nothing would get done. Holding his hand up to Spike,
McFeeny answered for him.
"The taint is that silky bit 'o soft skin behind your bullocks.
It's called the taint cause it taint balls and it taint asshole.
If ya be a rubbin' it just so and a pressin' just right it'll
be givin' ya a fair bit 'o tickle to yer tackle."
Xander turned to Spike with his mouth hanging open.
Spike just shrugged.
"Yeah, like he said."
Before Xander could launch into a lengthy discussion as to why Spike
had kept this bit of vital information to himself and how Spike could
properly apologize to Xander's taint, McFeeny stepped between them.
"Ai! Lads! The monster. Remember? Mr. Giles said it was important
that the monster be changed back tonight. He said if Cockness were allowed
to continue on in it's present state none of the cows and sheep in the
surrounding villages would be safe. As well as a few fishermen who have
already expressed interest."
Rooting through his pocket, the old man pulled out a scrap of paper
and handed it to the vampire.
"Here are the words the lass used when she accidently cast her spell.
I jotted them down just as they were told to me. Mr. Giles assistant,
Steven, assured me the two of you would know how to handle a big cock.
In fact he promised me that no one knew their way around a willy
better than you boys. Now if I'm no longer needed, I'll be headed
back home. Remember lads, don't let the sun rise while the dick is
With that admonition the old man collected his cane, his fishing pole
and his pipe.
Then, with a wave of his hand he followed the well worn path back
down the hillside leaving Spike and Xander alone to figure out how to
reverse the spell.
"What does the paper say, Spike? Maybe there is something we can use."
Unfolding the paper, Spike shook it and held it out in the moonlight
for them both to see.
In limerick form it read:
I lived on the shores of the loch
Where often I went for a walk
What I hoped I could see
I now wish to be
Tis that the monster should be a huge cock.
Tis a cock that would live where it's wet
It would love every hand that it met
It would last only as long
as the finger's are strong
And it's cum fill a fishermen's net.
Spike handed the paper to Xander and crossed his arms in disgust.
"God damn virginal little witch wanna be's. Doesn't the fuckin' coven teach
them what a dangerous combination horny hormones and wishes are?
So now we have to clean this mess up. Save the economy and the local
livestock. Shit. Well, let's get started."
Xander had read and reread the limerick several times over and still
had no idea what they could do to turn the monster back. Looking up to his
partner for the answer, Xander waited. Spike looked back.
Both men blinked.
Finally Spike snatched back the paper, crumpled it up and shoved it deep into
his front pants pocket.
"Well, hell. O.k. Let's look at this logically."
He clasped his hands behind his back, dropped his head and began
pacing back and forth.
"First we need to get a look at this thing. See just how big a hunk of
penis we are dealing with. Then we look at the spell line by line.
First she wished the monster into a big cock. Fine, we got that.
Then she talks about strong fingers. Seems to be saying if we jerk
it off the cum will break the spell and turn it back.
THAT'S IT! Simple as pie. What do you think, Pet?"
Spike turned to his silent partner. Xander was standing, facing out
over the water.
His eyes were huge and his mouth hung open unattractively.
Spike turned his head in the direction his consort was staring and froze.
It appeared the first problem was solved.
There it was, the monster itself. Rearing it's ugly bulbous head out of the
water and standing a good 50 feet tall, it floated on two huge lumpy, fuzz
covered balls. Making the whole situation worse, it appeared to be
staring right at them.
The slit, dribbling precum, winked and seemed to smile.
The waves of the loch lapped lazily around the sac as it bobbed.
Apparently Cockness could tread water.
Spike took a big unneeded breath and tried not to show fear
as he stepped back from the shore.
"Well, cheers to you Pet. I see you've found him. Um, be a good lad
and jump up there. Jack the nice monster off and we're outta here."
Xander whirled around, hands on hips, and faced his vampire.
"What? Why the fuck do I have to do it? Why do I get all the
messy jobs? You promised after the jello incident that you would take
the next gooey assignment."
Spike slithered up next to his consort and began to purr.
"Come on now, Love. Are you telling me you didn't like all that cool lime
dessert wigglin' and a jigglin' all over your body? Oozin' atween yer
toes and all up in yer........."
Xander giggled and allowed the memories to tingle down his spine
and settle in his balls.
"Yeah, o.k. it was kind of.........HEY! Oh, no, Buddy. No getting
out of it that easy. Sides, this looks like a two man job to me."
With disgusted resignation, Spike conceded.
"Fine, where do we start?"
Xander edged back over to the cliffs of the shoreline and looked up.
The monster cock continued to bob with the waves as it watched
the two men expectantly.
Turning back to face his partner, Xander pointed back over his shoulder.
"You know, he seems kind of friendly. I don't think he means us any
harm. In fact if I didn't know better.............OH GROSS!"
Spike had been watching the monster intently. Even though it had
shown no signs of aggression, he wasn't about to be as trusting as
In this case, however, it would appear Xander was right. At least if the
huge blob of precum that had just dripped down and hit his boy
on the top of the head was any indication.
He tried his best no to laugh.
"Well, Pet, it would seem you're right. I think Bob likes you."