Mrs. Muir (whenbuffysmiles) wrote in bloodclaim,
Mrs. Muir

New Chapter of Realizing You

Title: Realizing You
Author: Mrs. Muir
Pairing: Spike / Xander
Rating: NC-17 (Adults Only!!)
Feedback: If you’d like…I’d like
Beta: _sharvie_
Summary: Xander turns to Spike when his home life falls apart and in a moment of desperate loneliness they cross the boundaries of friendship. Together and apart they travel a rocky path to manhood and to the truth of their hearts.
Warnings: Underage, All human
Disclaimer: All things BtVS belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, Fox and whoever else can lay claim to them. This story is for entertainment purposes only.

Previous Chapters can be found here


Chapter 8

It was still early enough that Lookout Point was almost deserted. Spike drove to the end, by the cliff, their usual spot and parked where the grassy knoll ended into the woods. Not too many other cars ever parked this deep into the area. There were a lot of rumors about creepy things going on in the woods. Enough to keep others away, but not them. As Xander said, he'd already met the worst monster so whatever was in those woods didn't scare him.

Spike killed the engine.

"The usual?" Buffy asked, with a smile.

She didn't wait for an answer. She was already reaching for the small wooden box Spike kept under the front seat. He smiled. After the last few days of dealing with Xander and his feelings, Spike needed something to calm him. Bad habit, he knew from experience of watching Mr. Harris medicate himself to the point of brutality to the ones around him, but this vice never brought out the worst in him. Or to his companions.

Maybe it was justification? Or blinding himself to the truth? After all, he'd read all the pamphlets from Al-Anon and Alateen warnings of the higher rate of children of alcoholics becoming an addict themselves. Not that he had that problem, but Xander might. They all watched over him, but as of yet Xander never instigated it, but he never said no either.

"Party time," Buffy said, climbing out of the car.

She hopped onto the hood of the Desoto where Willow joined her. Spike pulled out his lighter with a grin.

"Come on, Xander," Spike called. "It's time to light up, mate."

Their friend hesitated. His face squished up as if he was deciding to wait it out in the car. Finally, though he crawled from his corner in the backseat. It hurt to see how much pain Xander was experiencing, some of it due to his idiocy of spending the night with Harmony. Spike couldn't undo the choices he'd already made. He also couldn't change how much Xander's rejection stung that propelled him to seek out an easy fuck to soothe his ego.

Spike sighed and reached for the joint Buffy was holding out. After lighting it and taking a good hit for himself he passed it along to Willow who was closest to him on the hood.

Xander still hadn't really joined them. He was leaning against the car with his arms crossed around his middle, but once again, he didn't reject their drug of choice.

"Are you going to stay mad at me?" Spike said.

"Why shouldn't I?" Xander muttered, turning away to lean his butt on the car. "Why her?"

"Yeah," Buffy said. "I thought you were gay now?"

"Am I?" Spike replied. "Until Xander kissed me, it never crossed my mind to be with a guy. Girls have always been my thing."

"You've never looked at a guy before?" Willow asked. "You've joked around with us about guys we've had crushes on."

Spike sighed as he searched his memory. Had he, without knowing, checked out other men? It was true that he compared himself to the latest guys the girls thought was hot. He even liked watching Queer as Folk with them. Brian Kinney was cool. He had it all, cool job, great digs, good looks and a beautiful boyfriend, but Spike had never fantasized about being Brian. He couldn't remember fantasizing about a man period, not even when he was masturbating.

"Only Xander," Spike confessed. He held a hand up. "But I have never gotten off when thinking about Xander."

"Thanks," Xander muttered. "Makes me feel really good."

"Never occurred to me that you liked me," Spike said, leaning back against the windshield so that he could look up at the stars. "Sometimes I get the feel goods when you're around, but it was always forbidden, so I just pushed it away."

"Makes sense to me," Buffy said. She took another hit and passed it back to Spike. "Xander will you grab the food? I'm starving."

"Sure," Xander said, reaching into the car to get the bags.

"I told you to eat dinner," Willow said. "You wouldn't because you were afraid of having tummy bulge in front of the great Angel."

"It would ruin the line of my clothes," Buffy said, grabbing French fries from the bag and stuffing a handful into her mouth. "I wanted to look perfect."

"If he could only see you now," Spike said, with a chuckle. "Buffy at her sexiest…talking with her mouth full."

"Shut up," Buffy said, reaching over to swat him. "He will never see me like this."

"Not much of a relationship," Willow said, taking the bag of food before it spilled to the ground. She started to pass around the burgers. "Not if you can't be yourself."

"I agree," Spike said. "You're beautiful, pet. Just be yourself."

"He didn't seem interested anyway," Buffy said, sinking into herself. She picked at the hem of her skirt. "I'm prettier than Cordelia, aren't I?"

"Hey, maybe he's a fag, too," Spike said, hoping to distract another one of their group from sinking into the doldrums. "He is kind of hot in a Nancy boy kind of way. All the hair gel he uses and the model perfect clothes." Spike hooked a thumb in his belt as he thrust his hips upwards in a mimic of sex movements. "Yeah, bend that baby over a desk and uh, uh, give it to him good."

Buffy was giggling with her hand over her mouth over his antics, while Willow blushed despite laughing herself, and Xander merely looked uncomfortable. It had gone the way he would have predicted. He couldn't help laughing himself at the thought of bending Angel over to fuck him. Except somewhere in his brief fantasy it became Xander and the fuck became gentler, more like making love. He held a hand over his face, hoping it would hide what he was certain was a dreamy expression.

"Knew you would be a top," Buffy said, snapping her fingers. She looked at Xander. "And I guess that makes you the bottom."

"Yeah, I guess in Spike's opinion I'm a Nancy boy, too," Xander said, wrapping his arms around himself and hanging his head before he added, "Just like my dad thinks."

"Never thought of you as being like that," Spike said, wishing he had kept his mouth shut. Even when he was trying to be funny, it seemed he hurt his friend. He hated this awkwardness existing between them since they kissed. Before they always cut up, making jokes about sex, and everything else around them. Never did every word, thought, and gesture have an underlying meaning meant to tear the other apart. Sitting up, he reached for his cigarettes. "You're not some pansy. We're mates. Always getting into some sort of trouble, 'member?"

"Forget it," Xander said, walking toward the edge of the cliff.

Spike held his breath, afraid of something he couldn't even form into a thought, and then breathed a sigh of relief when Xander plopped down to lie on his back.

"Damn, he's beautiful," Spike thought, gazing at his friend lying in the moonlight. For the first time he noticed that Xander was wearing new clothes, clothes that emphasized his looks instead of doing their duty by merely covering his body. Spike glanced at Buffy. It couldn't be, could it? Had Xander worn new duds just to impress him? Xander didn't want to draw attention so he never cared about what he was wearing. He ran a hand over his face. It seemed he had ruined Xander's big plan of getting Spike to pay attention. No matter what he did, he was hurting Xander.

The girls were silent as they finished off their burgers and fries while his was sitting untouched on the hood. He didn't feel like eating, and the cigarette in his hand was burning without him smoking it. It was time to do something. Sitting up, he slid off the car, trying to be casual as he took a step toward Xander. He had no clue what he was going to do that wouldn't make things worse. A part of him even wondered why he cared. No girl had ever tied him up in such knots. He was the tough guy. Love them and leave them may have been an old cliché but it was a motto he lived by until his heart thumped in time to Xander's beat.

It was more than just the new emotions of affection for Xander leaving him so soft. It was also the years of friendship between them. Xander knew more about Spike than anyone else did, as he did about Xander. Spike knew what made Xander hurt, laugh, get pissed off and the dreams of a promised "one day" that kept Xander going forward every morning. He felt protective of Xander's heart and his own, making every step a potential minefield that would blow up in both their faces. He already felt like he had set off enough without making another misstep. The hard drunk of the night before had done nothing to relieve his emotions. Adrenaline was rushing through his body with no relief in sight.

A distant sound broke through the night making them all look up. Another car was heading for their spot, but it pulled off the road just on the other side of the trees. The engine cut off just as something clicked in his head. Spike looked toward Buffy and knew she had already figured it out. The car belonged to Angel. He had a classic car too, with a distinct engine sound from the modern cars. The boy Buffy's heart was set on was out parking with another chick.

"Should have just eaten everything in the refrigerator," Buffy mumbled. "I can't even get him to notice me. Maybe being as big as a cow would at least get him to look at me."

"He's an idiot," Willow said, reaching out to put an arm around Buffy's shoulder. "Don't let him get to you."

But Spike could see that Angel did get to Buffy. Big time. Her beautiful eyes were filling with tears and he could almost hear her heart breaking. He didn't understand why the big poof got her in such a tangle, but if Angel was what she wanted then he had better pay attention. The least he could do was to let her down easy if he wasn't going to return her affections.

An idea came to him. He grinned as he reached a hand down to Xander. "Come on, mate. Let's play."

"Okay," Xander said, returning his smile.

He allowed Spike to pull him up, but they didn't hesitate as Spike took off at a run. This was freedom. This was a return to them as they darted through the field toward where Angel parked. They were skidding to a halt at the edge of the trees when Spike realized he was still holding Xander's hand. It felt as right as the moment. He squeezed it tight before dropping it.

"Got a plan?" Xander asked.

They crouched down to get a lay of the land. Yeah, it was Angel parked in his classic convertible with Cordelia in the front seat. Despite the top being up, they could see that Angel hadn't wasted any time because he was already in a lip lock with Cordelia, which meant they wouldn't notice much but each other.

"Yeah," Spike said, ruffling Xander's hair. The affection was an added bonus to the camaraderie they shared when they were about to cause trouble. "You do know about those legends of what happens to lovers parking in the woods right after a local prison break." He crackled, holding up one hand. "After a one-handed murderer has been set loose on the innocent township."

"Oh yeah," Xander said, grinning. He reached into his pocket to pull out his pocketknife. "It's small but should do the trick as the hook."

It only took a moment for them to put the plan in motion. Spike dropped to his stomach as he crawled to the rear of the car. Once he felt that he was safe from view he scrapped the ground with the toe of his boot. There was no reaction from the two in the car. He signaled Xander who threw a rock against one of the trees. It did the trick.

"What was that?" Spike could hear Cordelia ask through the cracked window.

"Probably a raccoon or something," Angel said. "Come back here."

There was a return to silence. Spike grabbed some leaves, crackling them as loudly as he could, and then he broke a twig in the air right behind the car. It got their attention again. Cordelia was insisting that Angel do something. Angel wasn't going to do it. He was more concerned about the state of his dick then he was about them being killed because he convinced Cordelia that everything was fine.

Xander crawled over to Spike. It was hard to keep a straight face as his friend held up the knife as the piece de résistance.

"Go for it," Spike whispered, flipping back onto his stomach so he could watch.

Using his elbows to propel him forward, Xander made his way along the side of the car. Spike sent him a thumb up. He couldn't wait for this because it was going to be good. Grinning, he watched Xander scrap the blade along the side of the car and then against the inside of the car handle. Cordelia screamed bloody murder while Angel started cussing. It was time to go. Spike took off running with Xander right behind him. In front of them, he could see the girls hightailing it back, too. It seemed they couldn't resist watching the action.

"You assholes," Angel screamed after them. "I'm going to beat the shit out of you for this."

Spike was laughing as he stopped with a slam against his car. It was priceless. The girls were laughing too. Xander slid to a stop in front of him, but Spike couldn't help it. He pulled his friend into his arms. They were back. The four friends were together in this moment. The giggling continued as they heard Angel's car rev up as it hit the road back to town. They were triumphant and for the moment all was right with the world.

to be continued…


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