it starts out with xander in his parent's basement, and hes putting black fabric on everything and has candles on an alter of some sort, and a special knife, and then goes through this big ritual cutting scene. and spike is outside watching. and freaks out. there was a lot of explaining where xander could cut himself where no one would see it but he could feel it all day, like the bottom of his feet or his waist. eventually spike intervenes and helps him cope with his cutting, and im pretty sure he moves into the basement.
i know its been a fairly recent fic, so im really frustrated that i can't find it.