Log in

No account? Create an account
|| Bloodclaim ||
You know they're doin' it
Shadows and Shadows 
8th-May-2008 11:07 am

Title: Shadows and Shadows
Author: gregryandanny
Fandoms: Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Angel
Pairing: Ethan/Giles, Gunn/Wesley, Angel/Lorne and Xander/Spike
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Xander is a half-wizard and half mage but moves to LA after Buffy and Willow found out the turth.
Warning: mpreg, violence, M/M slash, H/C, past rape.

(Chapter 1) 

It was a bitter, cold, and raining night in the city of Lost Angels; LA. A strange and powerful creature was walking towards a new bar known as Cartis; the owner was known as Lorne or the Host as some would call him. A vampire, who was watching by looking for a midnight snack, saw the creature and a cat-like demon up to something. The cat-like demon had smelled something too familiar to him. The demon thought to himself ‘He smells like the sun and autumn but there’s also something else like the smell of hell or rather the hell mouth. But the nearest one is Sunnydale and that’s where the Slayer is.”

The vampire had run right into the street when the creature had shouted the word “pryo” which is Latin for fire. The demon was surprised when he saw the fireballs coming straight towards him. When the creature was freed, he turned around to finish the job. But then, a vision from the demon’s past had hit him like a meteor to the Earth’s crust. He saw that the demon had had a family before the Slayer from Sunnyhell killed them. Now all the demon had left of his family was his son. The creature had turned his head up to the sky and shouted ,“NO MORE, I HAD IT, NO MORE KILLING OF INNOCENCE DEMONS AND THEIR CHILDREN, NO MORE!!!!!!!”

About 10 miles way in an old hotel, two vampires had heard the creature scream and started walking towards Cartis. Behind Cartis, the demon had helped the creature into the bar using the back door and up the stairs to Lorne's room. Lorne had seen the demon and creature. A few minutes behind them, he saw Angel and Spike who were coming thought the same back door.

"Hey Angelcakes, Spike, what are you doing here?"

"We had heard something or someone screaming around here and...Spike what are you doing?"

"I smell someone familiar, up there."

Spike and Angel had climbed the stairs to Lorne's room. When they had opened the door, they saw that the cat-like demon was bathing the creature on the bed.

"Hey, buddy, what are you doing?" asked Spike as he moved towards the bed, slowly.

"I’m just trying to help him. He's hurt, mister...who are your name, Vampire?"

"The name's Spike and who the hell is it?"

"Spike," the creature whispered from the bed

"What the bloody hell?" Spike walked to the bed’s side and saw the face of..."Whelp?"

"Spike, who is it?" asked Angel as he too moved to the other side of the bed and saw the face of..."Xander Harris?"

8th-May-2008 05:15 pm (UTC)
Intriguing beginning but rather confusing at the beginning. I had to
read the first few paragraphs several times to figure out who was doing
what. why call Xander a creature? If he is even part human the vampire will know it.

Part of the problem is that your point of view is muddled & changes too quickly. I would suggest expanding those first two paragraphs, as well as the chapter in general, to make the action clearer. Decide on whose point of view the section is from & stick with it until a major scene change. There are numerous spelling errors & verb tense issues as well. A beta will help with that and help you make your ideas even better.

As I said, an interesting idea but there really isn't enough hear to have an opinion beyond the need for technical work.
9th-May-2008 02:19 am (UTC)

thank you for the comment. i called Xander a 'creature' because i wanted it to start sound mysterious. If u would like u can point out what i missed. That what i like about comments; i want to know what my readers want or would like.
9th-May-2008 12:15 am (UTC)
Interesting first chapter you have here. *nods* I'm anxious to see what's next. :)

Btw, if you're going for the name of Lorne's club on the series, it's Caritas. Hope that helps. ;)

9th-May-2008 02:20 am (UTC)
thank you. In this i wanted my reader to think that Lorne's bar was destorty which i think it was in the series. Anyway Lorne has a new bar.

more comming sooon
This page was loaded Aug 13th 2022, 6:34 am GMT.