FANDOM: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
GENRE : Slash
PROMPT: 017. Forbidden.
WORD COUNT: 494 words.
SUMMARY: Spike laments about his unrequited love on the night before Xander marries Anya.
WARNINGS: None. Angst.
NOTES: X-Posted to lover100. Set before Hells Bell. References S 4, and S 5’s “Triangle. Thanks to kitty_alex for listening to me babble about it and giving me the title! The quote on the top comes from Poemslovers.com
DISCLAIMER: You recognize them? I don’t own them.
Why am I afraid to lose you when you're not even mine…
Don’t ask me why the Ex-Demon bird decided to invite me to her wedding.
As far as I know, we’ve never particularly gotten along. If anything, she annoys me in a ‘Let Me Wring her Neck’ way. I respect her. I just don’t care for her.
She told me I could bring a date. How do I explain to her that I only want the one she’s marrying?
Yes. I’m shagging Buffy…but there’s no attraction there. Just trying to hold onto Xander. We came so close to being ‘us’. Then, Anya showed up. He decided she was better than me…just because of her pulse.
I know he’s not in love with her. I see it in his eyes. He looks at her with this distant hollow. He’s just marrying her because it’s expected. He’s expected to marry a woman and have his picket fence with 2.5 kids. His perfect life…
Except he forgot where he lives.
There can be no perfect life in the Hellmouth.
We kissed only once before. The night Anya and Willow started fighting. He ran to the Bronze, ended up tipsy and ‘crying’ on my shoulder. Then, he reached out, caressed my cheek, and pecked my lips.
It almost managed to make my heart beat again.
Then, it went to Hell, and he ran off to protect that woman.
I wish I could understand why he stays with her. She’s not anything special. If anything, she aggravates him. I see it in his eyes when she’s struggling to act human. His eyes say ‘Please Stop and Listen. You’re doing it wrong’. And then, he usually hides in the back room of the Magic Box.
Clem fixed me up with a friend of his cousin’s. He forgot his name. Well, I suppose I’ll find out tomorrow. She’s supposed to be a bit of a skank. Clem says his cousin has no taste in women.
Great. I have to show up to a wedding I have no desire to go to with a skank. Where’s the slayer with her stake when I need her?
Back when Xander and I were forced to live together, he used to comfort me. I apparently had nightmares about The Initiative. He would untie me, guide me out of that bloody awful chair and hold me in his bed until the nightmares ended. It was odd but strangely comfortable waking up like that.
I ought to get to sleep. Tomorrow’s going to be hell to get through anyway. It’s going to kill me watching him marry her. I know he doesn’t love her. He loves me…I know it. I’ve never had an instinct this strong before…
So, right now, I will knock a few back, and toast a love that can never be.
May he find happiness with her. May he find love. May he find all the things I’ve always wanted to experience with him.