FANDOM: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
GENRE : Slash
PROMPT: 004. Forbidden.
WORD COUNT: 546 words.
SUMMARY: As he struggles to write his vows, Xander thinks back to Spike and what he gave up.
WARNINGS: None. Angst.
NOTES: X-Posted to lover100. Set before Hells Bell. References S 4, and S 5’s “Triangle. Thanks to kitty_alex for listening to me babble about it, beta’ing it and giving me the title! The quote on the top comes from Poemofquotes.com. Sequel to Love Her Like You Can’t Love Me.
DISCLAIMER: You recognize them? I don’t own them.
You never lose by loving. You always lost by holding back.
Tomorrow, I am going in front of everyone we know, and pledging my heart to Anya Emanuella Christina Jenkins aka Anyanka and…
I couldn’t be more miserable.
She was NEVER the one I wanted. Don’t get me wrong, I care for her, but I don’t love her.
If anything, she’s a pain in the ass. It’s been three years. You would think she’d have this human thing down by now.
Anya was the safe choice. It was either her or Spike. If I had chosen Spike, I would have had to answer a lot of awkward questions. It just wasn’t worth it. But…Spike…the one I want to strangle. The one that irritates me more than anyone I have ever met. The one I love with all my heart and soul.
I kissed him once.
Willow and Anya had been fighting. I ran to the Bronze to cool off, running into Spike. After a few beers, I lost all my inhibitions and just pecked him on the lips.
It was (quite honestly) the best kiss of my life.
I sit here, trying to write my vows. Everyone tells me that this is supposed to be easy. This is supposed to be the easiest part of marriage. How can I expect to be a real husband if I can’t even write my vows correctly?
I remember being forced to live with Spike when The Initiative was after him. He had nightmares…bad ones that made him scream in his sleep. When the screaming got bad, I used to get out of bed, untie him, lead him, still asleep, take him into my bed and hold him, just to get him through the night.
Xander The Bloody.
That has a ring to it.
How could I be so foolish?
There was a time when I was going to follow my heart and be with Spike. He was amazing. He made me feel things I had never felt before. He was able to make me melt with just a single soulful stare.
Then, Anya came along.
I’ve always had it drilled in my head to fulfill the American dream. Kids. A dog. The white picket fence.
A Gay vampire was never part of the package. Following that path would lead me to love, but also probable misery and misfortune. I had to follow my expectations.
I still can’t write these vows. I really don’t think I’m cut out for marriage. Marriage implies commitment, and I don’t know if I can commit to Anya. She’s nice. I care about her, but I don’t love her.
It’s all very confusing.
I am afraid to go through with this. Would it make me a coward to back out? I’d hate to lead her on…even though, she’s marrying a closeted gay man. What if we have kids? That would be living an even bigger lie.
Tomorrow afternoon, I will pledge my heart and soul to Anya Emanuella Christina Jenkins, not out of love but obligation.
I will see Spike tomorrow, in on the chairs on the Bride’s Side. As I recite the vows that are begrudgingly coming through, I will struggle not to lose it, as I lose the only person to ever make me truly happy.