Series Title: Expectant Hell
Chapter Title: Six Weeks
Fandom: Buffy The Vampire Slayer
Disclaimer: I own nothing. I bend to Joss Whedon's will and try my best not to murder his characters.
Summary: A demon casts a spell on Xander. Willow reverses the spell, but weeks later, they find it has one huge side effect.
Warnings: Male Pregnancy
Notes: Thanks to kimalis for betaing! This is going to be a series me and bohofemm are doing. The chapter titles are the week Xander is on in his pregnancy.
"The flu's not supposed to last six weeks straight, only in the morning." Xander grumbled, resting his head on the cool porcelain toilet seat. "Something's not right."
Xander made his way out of the bathroom and into the kitchen. He was supposed to meet Willow later for lunch, but he was so hungry. He wished Anya was still around. He was having a craving for those cheeses she used to keep. Opening the refrigerator, he groaned, nothing looked appetizing. Finally, he settled on a half eaten container of Wonton Soup. At least, it didn't nauseate him. He put the soup in the microwave and pressed the button to heat it up. The door bell rang and he shuffled over to answer the door. It was Willow. She had a deep frown on her face.
"You were supposed to meet me an hour ago."
"I was?" Xander murmured, blinking. Willow nodded. "I'm sorry. I'm sick"
"Sick?" She felt his forehead. "You don't feel hot."
"I just threw up in the bathroom. I called in sick today. I've just been feeling off these past couple of weeks. I'm sure it's just stress. You know, new place, new job. I'll get better."
"How long has this going on?" Willow seemed genuinely concerned. Xander sat down.
"A couple of weeks. Stress. It's always done this to me."
"Alright. Where do you want to go for lunch? There's a new pizza shop opening up around the corner. We can order in, get all best friendsy. Curl up with a good movie. Spend the day together."
"Okay, but can you ask if they can put raisins on the pizza? Oh raisins and a bit of grape jelly."
Willow looked at him disgusted, "Are you sure it's just stress?"
"Why wouldn't it be?" Xander scoffed. "It's not like men can get pregnant. That's impossible!"
"I never said you were pregnant," Willow said her frown deepening and a worry line appearing in her forehead. "Do you think you're pregnant? Do I need to do a spell? Does Buffy need to get with the slayage?"
"Why would I be pregnant? It's impossible. Wait...didn't I have a run in with some weird demon a few weeks ago? It's kinda fuzzy."
"Yes! The Jenlanar! We walked in on its mating ceremony and it turned you into a girl. It took us an entire day to find you. But, Buffy killed it and we turned you back. I'm positive I did the reversal spell right, so it can't be it."
Xander paled. What had happened during the missing day? Could men get pregnant? Then, he did the only thing he could think of. He fainted.
When Xander woke up, he could feel that he wasn't alone in his apartment. He opened his eyes to see Giles, Buffy, and Willow staring down at him.
"He does seem a bit chunkier," Buffy said.
"Thanks, Buff. Kick a man while he might be knocked up."
"Only stating the obvious." she muttered. "Well, how do we find out? Potion? Sacrificial Ritual? Killing a rabbit?" Giles held up a brown paper bag.
"I'm afraid it's not that interesting." He rifled through the paper bag, coming up with a small cardboard box. "EPT."
Xander looked at the cardboard box, "What am I supposed to do with that?"
"Pee on it," Buffy said with a smile.
"Can't we do it some other way? Ritual? Spell?" He stammered. Giles pressed the box into his hand.
"Sorry. This is the only way."
They moved aside, letting him get off the couch. He gulped and headed for the bathroom. He read the instructions, but they might as well have been in Japanese because he didn't understand any of it. He pulled out the stick out of the box.
"Here's something I thought I'd never do in my entire life."
A few moments later, he set the test on the counter. Sitting there, he rested his head in his hands. This was not happening. He was not pregnant. He couldn't be pregnant. He just couldn't be.
"Of course, plus could mean 'Yippie! You're not having a baby!'" He read over the instructions again. "Okay, it says 99% effective. What if this is that 1%?"
"Well?" Willow called, just outside the door. "You can tell me. I won't say anything. We just need to figure out what to do." Gulping, Xander gripped the test and walked out of the room.
"I'm pregnant." Xander said holding out the test for Willow to see.
She looked at it, but before she could say anything she was cut off by Buffy. She squeed loudly and looked at the test.
"We're going to have to go shopping for baby clothes!"
"I'm not keeping it! Chances are it's a demon!"
Giles glanced up, from a heavy book. He sighed, as he started to read out loud. "The Jenlanar cherish their young above anything else. Once affected by their mating rituals, terminating the pregnancy is an impossibility."
Xander slumped against the wall, "So I have to keep this demon spawn? Please tell me that it's at least some super speedy demony pregnancy..." He trailed off at the look on Giles' face. "Great. The full nine months. This is just my luck. Xander Harris, the eternal butt monkey. That's it. I'm not saving the innocent any longer."
"Now. The real question is how do we make this work?" Buffy glanced around. "I remember Sex Ed. Prenatal care is important!"
Giles removed his glasses and polished them, "We could speak with Spike. He has many demon contacts. Maybe he would know of doctor that does not ask questions?"
Xander shook his head furiously, "There is no way in this dimension or any other that Spike is finding out that I'm pregnant. He'll laugh!"
"I don't think we have any other options." Willow murmured, lightly patting Xander's stomach. "We need to make sure my niece-slash-nephew...nephece...gets the best possible start." Xander scowled, throwing her hand off his stomach.
"Don't do that!" he yelped.
Willow looked hurt, "I was just trying to help. You never know. It could be some guys that you met while you were a girl. You know, your sexual um, you were..."
"Extra horny," Buffy helped.
"Thank you, Buffy. Yes, you were extra that during the spell."
"Like demon Viagra," Buffy helped again. "You know, because who would get horny doing that thing. Did you see it? It was ew."
Xander put his head in his hands, "I didn't get mad you were trying to help." Xander murmured, his eyes starting to fill with tears. "I don't want anyone poking! This is my baby." He started to sob, stumbling into Giles' arms. Buffy backed away, looking slightly horrified.
Buffy looked from Willow to Giles, then back at Xander, "We should look into mojo or something affecting him. Because first he was all 'Kill it!' now it's suddenly his."
Giles was in a polishing frenzy as he stared at Xander, "Yes, that might be wise. I will try to dig up all I can on Jenlanar and magical pregnancies."
Willow laughed. "Are you two dense? That's what we call a mood swing! Have you never been near a pregnant woman?" Buffy shook her head.
Giles put his glasses back, "I have a sworn duty to uphold. It was not part of my job description to know about pregnancies."
"Can you just leave me alone?" Xander sniffled. "I just want to crawl into a pizza box and never come out."
"No. Not the pizza box!" Buffy muttered. "We need to get him out of here. And find Spike." She glanced around. "I can't believe I just said that!"
"It's still early," Willow suggested. "He'll most likely be in his crypt being all creepy and watching Passions. He never struck me as the soap opera type."
Xander crossed his arms over his chest, "If you think I'm going you are sadly mistaken."
"Xander. If you just come now, we will make sure everything is healthy. Don't you want a healthy baby?" Willow murmured. Xander, getting teary, nodded slowly.
"I want to give Bruce Wayne a good start." he blubbered.
"Bruce Wayne, dear lord. I do not care what you say, Willow. I am looking up into magical pregnancies. That is atrocious," Giles said with a grimace.
Buffy sighed, "So it's agreed. We go to Spike."
"What's wrong with Bruce Wayne?" Xander asked, glancing around. "It's a solid name." Buffy looked at him.
"Dawn will kill you. She reserved that name when she was six." she retorted. Xander groaned. "What is it now?"
Five tacos, three cheeseburgers, and almost a blood bag later, they were at Spike’s crypt.
“I don’t see why I couldn’t have it,” Xander argued.
“One, that’s ew. Two, the blood bags are for Spike, and three, EW!” Buffy said.
Xander blinked, tears brimming in his eyes. "It looked good!" he squeaked. "What am I supposed to do?"
Buffy clung to the blood bags defensively as she pushed the door open and stepped into the crypt, "I don't care if it tastes like chocolate. I'm not letting you drink blood."
"I'm the pregnant one. You never deny the pregnant one what he wants" Xander murmured. "It's bad for the baby." Buffy glowered at him.
"If you weren't pregnant right now, you'd be getting smacked in the back of the head."
Spike looked at them over his arm chair, "What are you two nattering on about? Who's pregnant? Why are you here? Is that human blood?" Spike leered and got up. "Oh, you got a special job for me. So, the whelp knock up some demon bint and needs my help?”
"I wish it were that simple," Buffy shook her head. "Um..."
"I'm pregnant." Xander blurted out.
Spike doubled over laughing, "You! The whelp! The big strong protector of the Slayer is pregnant. Oh, there is a Hell God. This is brilliant!"
"We need a doctor. Someone who won't ask questions." Buffy said.
Spike, still laughing, looked at her. "Can I ask how?"
Buffy gripped Spike's shirt, "It doesn't matter how. You can either cooperate like a good little vampire and get your blood bags or we do this the fun way where I get to kick your ass."
"Fine. Doctor by the name of Jones. Down near the drug store." he spat. Buffy nodded. "Please tell me how. I promise. No laughing"
"I got turned into a girl and I slept with someone, then they changed me back, but they didn't know I was pregnant." Xander said.
Spike sputtered, "You were turned into a girl on top of it all! Oh, that's beyond brilliant."
Xander shook his head. "Wish I could remember who Daddy was. I just know they found me near a bar on Main Street."
Spike visibly blanched, "Right then, this Doctor Jones-"
"Is his first name Indiana?" Xander asked.
Spike glared at him, "It happens to be G'rlork and don't be making that joke in front of him. But, he deals in demon pregnancies all the time. He won't deal with the Slayer or anyone that has to do with her, plus he's very busy. For a few more blood bags, I could make an appointment and take the whelp."
Buffy glanced at Xander, who nodded. "Deal."
Buffy let go of Spike's shirt and he backed away from her with a smile.
"Glad we had this little talk. You should get pregnant more often, Whelp. Gets me human blood."
"Shut up." Xander snarled. "You will not make fun of me or my baby."
"Oh. By the Way." Buffy glanced over her shoulder. "Watch out for mood swings."
Spike tilted his head, "Pretty violent there. Sure those are normal? Kind of looks like a vamp when he snarls like that. Sure the little bit in there isn't making him a bit touched in the head?"
"He'll start crying soon enough." Buffy murmured. Spike turned around, to see Xander poking himself in the stomach.
"What are you doing?" he questioned.
"Trying to find the brat," he said.
Spike raised an eyebrow, "I think that supports my statement. Touched in the head."
"I am not touched." He sobbed. "I'm pregnant. I don't know Daddy. The last thing I remember is that bar on Main Street." He groaned. "Callahan’s."
Spike bristled, "I've never been to that bar. Why are you bringing it up? It'll cost you extra for me to track down 'Daddy'."
"I'm trying to remember." Xander muttered. "I remember bits and pieces. Blonde hair and black leather."
"There are tons of blondes out there who wear leather. Unless you want me to tackle every blonde you see, I think I'll need a more accurate description. You know, and you can count me out. My swimmers are stopped dead in their tracks if you know what I mean."
Buffy wrinkled her nose, "Like we were ever thinking you were the father. I'm sure Xander would have better taste than to sleep with you."
Xander glanced down, shivering. "He was cold." Then, the door to the crypt popped open. Willow glanced around, seeming somewhat frantic.
"The ritual...and the dead!"
Spike snorted, "Well then. I'm glad everyone still remembers manners. You know, knocking would be nice. Wiping your shoes so not to track mud on my nice cement floor. But, you know, don't mind me. Just a vamp here."
"What about the dead and a ritual, Wil?" Buffy asked, ignoring Spike.
"The Jenlanar sperm is dead, so they use the spell that hit Xander to make the host able to accept and reanimate the dead sperm!" Willow said hurriedly.
"Well?" Xander faced Spike. "Know any blonde vamps into leather?"
"I ain't the father of that baby!" Spike declared.
"I didn't suggest you were." Xander said innocently. "Hey! You offered to find him!"
Spike toed the ground, "Oh, right. There’s lots of blonde vamps out there and leather is usually a vamp thing, right."
Buffy's eyes widened, in realization. "You're the only one in town who is both blonde and wears leather."
"This isn't happening." Xander muttered.
"I will go out of town and hunt down the cold beast who ever took away the virtue of our Xander," Spike said trying to grab his duster and leave.
"Wait a minute, Mr. Suspicious-Vampire. What do you know?" Willow asked putting her hands on her hips and glaring at him.
"I slept with a nameless woman."
"And I have a name," Xander said. "So it wasn't me."
"Did you use it on the day you went womanly?" Willow asked.
Xander laughed nervously and looked at Spike, "Probably. I mean who forgets their own name, right? Because I would surely remember Spike and you know, I would know enough not to sleep with him. Right?"
"Um. Xan. The Jenlanar spell is an amnesiac." Willow glanced through the book. "Spike. Do you remember what she was wearing?"
Spike grinned, "Nothing after I got her home."
Xander paled. "Did you send her home with a sweater? A gray fleece one?"
Spike was floored, "Oh bloody hell, I knocked up the whelp."