How Love Came In

How Love Came In

Title comes from a line in the poem Of Love by Robert Herrick.

“Xander!”

“Spike!”

Spike collapsed on top of Xander, spent, their shouts of completion still echoing through the room.  For several minutes nothing was heard except for their mutual, although in Spike’s case unnecessary, gasping for breath.

 Eventually, with a moan, Spike gently pulled himself free from his lover’s body.  He stumbled to the bathroom returning a minute later with a warm, damp cloth.  He carefully cleaned first Xander before tending to himself.  When he was through he carelessly dropped the cloth on the floor and rejoined Xander in bed.

Xander turned towards Spike, allowing him to pull him closer as he snuggled into Spike’s firmly muscled chest.  “Night, Spike,” he mumbled.

Spike pressed a soft kiss on top of Xander’s head.  “Night, Xan.”  As Spike began to drift to sleep, he whispered, “Love you.”

Spike was pulled back to complete consciousness as he felt Xander stiffen.  “Oh, bollocks,” he muttered.

Xander pulled away from Spike and sat up.  “Why did you say that?  I though we agreed that there’d be no mention of love between us.”

Spike sat up beside Xander.  “No, you said we wouldn’t mention love.  I just never argued with you about it.”

Xander sputtered and jumped out of bed.  He picked up the pair of sweats he’d discarded earlier off the floor, and quickly pulled them on.  He started to pace across the room.  “No, I’m sure that we agreed that this was just a sex thing, and nothing more.”

Spike snorted.  “Oh, please.  Maybe it started out as just sex, but you don’t cuddle with fuck buddies.”  Spike stood up and walked towards Xander, completely unselfconscious of his nudity.  He placed a hand on Xander’s arm to stop his pacing.  He looked Xander in the eye before continuing.  “You don’t watch movies or make dinner or sleep next to someone every night if it’s just about sex.”

Xander pulled away from Spike and moved to the bedroom window.  Lifting one of the slats on the blind, he gazed out into the still night.  “Maybe not, but those things don’t necessarily mean love either.” 

Spike came to stand behind Xander.  He placed a gentle kiss on his shoulder and nuzzled his cheek.  “You’re right.  They don’t, but I know how I feel.  I love you, Xander.”

Xander pulled away and moved away from Spike again.  “No you don’t!  You’re a vampire, Spike.  You don’t have a soul.  You can’t love anybody!”

Spike growled.  “I soddin’ well can love!  I can’t believe you and the Slayer.  You both bought into that Watcher tripe about vampires not being able to love.  It might be true of most minions, but if it were true for childer, then they wouldn’t be able to take mates ‘cause the spell involved requires that the two love each other.  Why would I stay with Dru for over a hundred years if I didn’t love her?”

Xander looked uncertain.  “Giles said the Sire/Child bond…”

“Bollocks!”  Spike looked disgusted.  “Most childer won’t intentionally hurt their sire, but with one as barmy as Dru most childer wouldn’t have taken care of her like I did.  Most would have left as soon as they were strong enough.  She would have been dust a hundred times over if I hadn’t stopped her from wandering outside during the day.  I helped her feed, brushed her hair, and soothed her after her visions.  I rocked her after she had nightmares about the torture Angelus put her through.  I became a Master Vampire sooner than any other vampire in the history of the Aurelian line just to make myself better able to take care of her.  So don’t tell me that I can’t love anybody.  The only problem I have with love is that no one ever loves me back.”

Xander remained silent, his thoughts a confused jumble.

Spike shook his head in disgust, and quickly began dressing.

Xander tried unsuccessfully to gather his thoughts, but could only manage a hoarse, “Where are you going?”

Spike sneered.  “Away from this shite.  I’m not gonna waste my time on yet another person who can’t give me what I need.”

With a swirl of his duster Spike stalked from the bedroom. A moment later Xander heard the front door open and close.

Xander sank shakily to the floor.  For a long time Xander just sat, his thoughts tumbling over one another.  He remembered six months of sex that had somehow become making love without him realizing it.  He recalled shared jokes and popcorn fights during movies.  His thoughts lingered over the three days Spike had taken care of him while he’d had the flu a month before.

Then he remembered patching Spike up after Glory tortured him, and treating injuries after patrol despite Spike’s protests.  He thought about buying human blood from Willy just to make sure Spike stayed strong.  Finally, he thought about how he felt safe for the first time in his life whenever Spike held him.

Xander groaned.  “Oh, God, what have I done?”

An hour later Xander was standing outside the door to Spike’s crypt.  He knew it wasn’t safe for him to at the cemetery this late at night alone, but hoped that Spike’s scent on him would keep most of the predators away.  Not that it mattered; he wasn’t willing to wait until daylight to see Spike.  He needed to see him now.

Xander cautiously opened the door.  “Spike?” he called softly.

“What do you want, Xander?” Spike asked wearily.

Xander entered the crypt and closed the door.  He looked around until he located Spike sitting in the worn chair he’d scavenged from the dump, a half empty bottle of whiskey cradled in his hand.  He felt his heart wrench when he saw how defeated Spike appeared.

Almost without thinking Xander crossed the crypt and knelt at Spike’s feet.  He carefully removed the bottle from Spike’s hand and set in on the ground next to Spike’s chair.  For a moment they stared silently at each other.  Xander took a deep breath and asked, “Spike, did anyone ever tell you about Jesse?”

Surprised, Spike shook his head.

Xander took another deep breath and slowly released it.  “Jesse was mine and Willow’s best friend.  The three of us met in Kindergarten and were inseparable all through school.  Everyone called us the Three Musketeers.  I thought we’d be best friends forever.”  Xander fond smile was tinged with sadness.  “Then the summer after we turned fifteen, things changed.  Actually, they changed on Jesse’s birthday.”

“What happened, Xander?”  Spike’s voice was barely more than a whisper.

“Willow and I had dinner with Jesse and his parents for his birthday.  After dinner, Willow went home, but I stayed because I was spending the night, just like I had countless other times.  We started wrestling, I don’t remember why.  Anyway, I had him pinned and we were both laughing but as we looked into each other’s eyes things changed.  Suddenly, we were kissing.  It was great.”

Xander laughed.  “After that, we were always sneaking around, making out and touching each other.  We hid our new relationship from Willow because we knew she had a crush on me and we didn’t want to hurt her feelings.”  Xander shook his head sadly.  “We talked about leaving Sunnydale as soon as we graduated because we knew my dad would beat the shit out of me if he knew I was in love a guy.”

“School started and we continued to see each other in secret.  Then Buffy came to town.  I pretended to have a crush on her, just like Jesse pretended to still have a crush on Cordelia.  That same night, Darla took Jesse.  Another vampire took Willow, but Buffy managed to save her.”  Xander blinked furiously, trying to keep the tears that threatened from falling.  “Jesse got turned that night.  They wanted him as some kind of bait for Buffy.”

Spike reached out and gently ran his fingers through Xander’s hair.  “Oh, Pet, I’m sorry.”

Xander leaned into Spike’s touch.  “It gets worse.  A couple of days later, at the Harvest, I accidently staked him.”

Spike tilted his head to one side, his expression filled with curiosity.  “How do you accidently stake someone?”

“I was holding my stake up with the point towards him to keep him back.  I had been trying to remind him of what we felt for each other without a lot of success.  Someone ran by and bumped into Jesse, pushing him onto my stake.”  Xander lowered his head to rest on Spike’s knee, unable to hold back his tears any longer.

Spike continued stroking Xander’s hair, making soothing noises while Xander cried.  Eventually, Xander’s tears trickled to a stop, and with a sniffle Xander looked up into Spike’s eyes.  Spike gently wiped off the remaining tears on Xander’s cheeks with his thumbs.  “Okay, luv?”

“Getting there, Blondie.”  Xander’s smile was shaky but it was there.  He turned his head slightly and kissed Spike’s left hand which was still cupping his cheek.

Spike smiled at the nickname, but remained silent.  He knew there was still more to Xander’s tale and he needed to hear it.

Xander met Spike’s eyes once again.  With a sigh, he continued his story.  “After I staked,” Xander’s voice broke on the word staked.  He cleared his throat and began again.  “After I staked Jesse, it was just easier to believe the stuff Giles told us about vampires.  It was easier to believe that there was no part of Jesse in the vampire version of him, and that as a vampire, Jesse was unable to love anyone.” 

Xander blinked back the tears that threatened again, and swallowed before continuing. “Otherwise, I would have to live with the fact that I had killed the guy I loved and who loved me, and I couldn’t handle that.” 

Xander chuckled.  “I made a promise to myself after that to never love another guy for the rest of my life.”  He snorted at Spike’s look of disbelief.  “Yeah, I know it sounds stupid, but anything else just seemed like it dishonored my memories of Jesse.  I think somewhere in my mind, I thought that loving another guy would be cheating on Jesse.”

Xander smiled.  “Then I saw you for the first time, and I swear my heart beat so hard it tried to jump out of my chest.”  Xander’s expression became somber before he continued.  “Then I found out you were a vampire, and it felt like my heart stopped beating.  I was instantly in denial that I had any interest towards you whatsoever.”

Spike smirked.  “So you tried to resist my ‘sinister attraction’?”

Xander rolled his eyes, remembering the Buffybot and her programmed obsession with Spike.  “Yeah, well, you made it easy with all the ‘trying to kill the slayer and her friends’ routine.”  Xander reached for Spike’s left hand and held it between his own.  “After you came and stayed with me when you got the chip, I couldn’t help but notice how alike we were despite the fact that you were a vampire.  I was falling for you hard, but denied it to myself.”

Xander blushed.  “I stilled denied I felt anything but horny the first time you kissed me, the summer after Buffy died.  Even after the first time we slept together, I insisted to you and myself that it was nothing but sex.  After all, according to Giles, you were a vampire who wasn’t supposed to be able to love, and I wouldn’t allow myself to love another guy after Jesse.  So, of course, there was no love involved.”

Xander shook his head at his own stupidity.  “It wasn’t until tonight when we argued that I realized that I was wrong.  I know you’re capable of love because I saw it with Dru, and I’ve seen it towards me.”  Xander kissed Spike’s hand and looked deep into his eyes.  “I was wrong about me too.  I’ve been in love with you all along.  Somehow, despite everything, love still came into my heart.”

Spike pulled Xander off the floor and into his arms.  He began raining kisses across Xander’s face, all the while whispering, “Love you, Pet.  Love you so much.”

Xander wrapped his arms around Spike.  “I know you do.  I love you too.”

Of Love

By Robert Herrick

How Love came in, I do not know,

Whether by th’ eye, or eare, or no:

Or whether with the soule it came

(At first) infused with the same:

Whether in part ‘tis here or there,

Or, like the soule, whole every where:

This troubles me: but I as well

As any other, this can tell;

That when from hence she does depart,

The out-let then is from the heart.