JenLea (bohofemm) wrote in bloodclaim,

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Fic: The Way From Love: Still Hurting. 1/??

TITLE : The Way From Love: Still Hurting.
AUTHOR: bohofemm
FANDOM: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
PAIRING: Spike/Xander.
GENRE : Slash
PROMPT: 046. Healing.
WORD COUNT: 679 words.
SUMMARY: How does a couple fall out of love? Follow the story of Spike and Xander from end to beginning.
CHAPTER SUMMARY: Xander tries to cope with the aftermath of his break up with Spike.
NOTES: X-Posted to lover100. Set Post Chosen and NFA. This story is formatted weirdly. It's told backwards, from end to beginning.
DISCLAIMER: You recognize them? I don’t own them.

“How can one man have such an impact on a place?” Xander threw a pile of moving boxes on the floor. “He lived here six months and yet,brought more stuff over here than I did in the year I lived here.” He shook his head, sitting in front of the dresser.

He would never admit how much pain he was in. For the past year, he had been in a great relationship. Then, after they moved in with each other, things had gone terribly wrong. All they did was fight, and scream. After a month of being miserable, they had finally broken up.

It was nothing either of them did. They just couldn't live together. They still loved each other. Sometimes, love just wasn't enough.

Xander gently pried open a drawer. Running his hand through it, he came up with a worn black t-shirt. Nibbling on his lower lip, he held it up to his face, and inhaled deeply. Slowly, he took in the scent of blood and tobacco, his favorite combination of scents.

“I have to move on,” Xander threw the shirt into a box. “I can't linger and make myself crazy.” Finally, he overturned the drawer into a box. “I just have to.” He winced.

This was supposed to be therapeutic. By cleaning out the apartment, it was supposed to be ridding himself of the pain. Instead, it was reminding him of what could no longer be.

“This is impossible,” Xander bit down on his lower lip, hard enough to draw blood. “I'm going crazy!” Why hadn't he let Willow do this?

As he opened the top drawer, he was greeted by an envelope. A gasp caught in his throat, he pulled it out.

I'd know that handwriting anywhere,he thought. Shaking violently, he tore the envelope open.

Dear Xander,

You've gone away until I pack and leave. I don't know where we went wrong. We were fine, until we decided to live together. Maybe we really are too incompatible to be anything.

You were the first person I actually loved, after Dru. You treated me like I was human. You never questioned the fact I was a vampire. You loved me unconditionally, and for that, I thank you.

Something wonderful died between us, Xan. I just wish I knew what. Then, I could fix it. I hate doing this to you. I truly do. I know what we share is special. A year is a huge step for me. After Drusilla, I was terrified of commitment. You brought that back to me.

Please know I'm always there if you need me. No matter what it is. Maybe we can try again one day. I know it's just wishful thinking but I love you.

Well, there's more that I could say, but I hate sappy. So, I'm leaving this in my underwear drawer. I figure it'll be a good week or so before you try to clean it out.

Don't be afraid to hurt. It will take time to heal. I know it will take me a very long time to get over you.

I love you, Pet.

Xander picked up the closest object, a lamp, and threw it. It smashed into the wall and shattered. He collapsed onto the bed, refusing to cry. He wasn't going to cry. He wasn't going to regret breaking up with him. It had been the right thing to do. They had been miserable as a couple.

All he had wanted was his happily ever after. After all the hell he had seen, he had just wanted to settle down. He had been so certain that Spike was the person he'd spend forever with.

Instead, he was left to try to recover from the man with the eyes that could literally stop him in his tracks. He was left to move on, when he all wanted was to be with the man who knew just how to love.

Instead, he was left with an empty heart, and a lifetime of love to get over.


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