Title: The Ones That Mother Gave You
Rating: Hard R possibly slipping up to NC-17 if I add more to it
Pairings: W/K, Anya/Andrew, Buffy/Jeans, Barely legal Potentials/Feathers and Pillowcases, S/R with a dollop of X to keep us on topic. Also S/X pre-slash since for some bizarro reason my muse wants to write DUN DUN DUN... what comes next.
Warnings: Voyeurism and a bit of smut with a rambling perspective.
AN: Written earlier for the person who was searching for Spike / Robin fics. Reposted since my mad mad muse wants to turn it s/x or possibly s/x/r... *takes out contract on muse* Also this is set Season 7 post Dirty Girls, but I'm probably gonna play loose with the cannon in deference to the smut.
Summary: Xander's going a little mad... what with seeing the sexy sexy things all over the place.
Xander was going slightly mad. He was having horrifying nightmares about miraculously non jail bait potentials having pillow fights and hanging on his every word. Definitely going mad. It wasn't just potentials either. Just about anyone his eyes lit upon in either the Harris Den of Debauchery or the Summers' House of Sin was fair game, with the very very very ad infinitum 'thank you and praise God' exception of Dawn and Giles. Dawn for the plain and simple reason that he'd hate to have to beat his own self up for thinking THOSE kinds of thoughts about her, and Giles cause just eww.
Still, while the fantasy pillow fights and the hot lesbian slow dance he'd imagined between Willow and Kennedy were one thing, and the triple X hardcore dominatrix get up he'd imagined Anya in while she'd been degrading Andrew was even kinda hot in an 'oh thank GOD that isn't me' kinda way... this current insanity was just so completely wrong. Completely wrong in a 'Holy shit Willow tried the Gay up Xander spell and it backfired horrendously' sort of way.
That had to be the only reason that Robin Wood was doing... well Spike over the island in what would always be, to his mind, Joyce's kitchen. Spike's hair was in curly disarray and the duster was nowhere to be seen, while Wood looked almost ready to greet guests at Parents night. You know if he didn't have a souled up pain in the ass - and oh God do NOT start thinking of the horrible puns now you idiot - vampire, writhing under him. He was calm collected professional in ways that little toad Snyder could only dream of being.
This was bad this was so bad like ultimate levels of badness. What if Spike's soul was like Angel's, you know, of the worn out velcro variety? What if Buffy still wanted Spike... What if she wanted Wood? He'd seen her trying on her 'Come get some' jeans last week. He'd even made lame ass 'Now remember the principal is your pal' jokes. So what was Buffy going to do when she walks into her kitchen in, oh God, five minutes leading all the potentials in for a snack.
And when the hell did gay sex get that hot? It wasn't anywhere near this stimulating when he'd downloaded some that one time. Totally on accident mind you, freaking porn traders and their miss labeled files and all those initials, and just... Wow that was... did it just get hot in here? Spike reeeally seemed to like whatever the hell that was Wood just did. They were both starting to sweat now, and he didn't even know Spike could DO that. Huh did he get it with his soul? Some kinda bonus free with each wish? The ability to sweat during sex so that innocent bystanders would get bizarre urges to lick you? *cough* Not that that was what anyone here was thinking, nope not a bit.
Ok... so he was thinking that, and maybe about what it would be like to slide under the island and wrap his lips around the hard-
"Xander?" He tore his eyes from the island and looked at Dawn, gearing himself up to chase her out of the room before the two men could totally shatter her remaining innocence, when he did a double take at the kitchen. Spike was standing at one side of the room sipping a mug of blood, while Robin tried to pretend he wasn't glaring at him from the other side of the kitchen.
With a shake of his head he answered her. "What Dawnie?"
"Is it time for your next pill yet?" She asked quietly, avoiding any mention of the patch.
"Nah that's ok this one is still kicking in pretty hard."
Did Spike just smirk at him?