Xander's Apple

                                                                                                      Xander’s Apple

No

No No No

Not real, not happening.

Spike watched as Xander stumbled toward Willow and the safety of her barrier spell. He was completely unaware of the Fyarl demon behind him, the demon whose ax was whistling through the air towards Xander’s neck even as Spike watched, too far away to get there in time.

He froze as metal hit flesh, severing Xander’s head from his body. He saw the blood; he saw the head come flying towards him, the vacant brown eyes that had only moments before been full of concern for his friends. Dead eyes that stared up at him and...

Thwap!

The Slayer, who had been closer than Spike, managed to get there in time. Her sword deflected the ax and she quickly gutted the demon. Xander, still oblivious, made it to the protection of Willow’s spell. Spike’s vision had been just that, a vision. For a brief moment he’d been so sure that he was going to lose Xander that he’d seen as if it had really happened.

He took an unneeded breath to steady himself. Still shaken, he tightened his hand on his sword. Fear morphed into anger and he looked around at the fight, which was still raging. Taking one last look to see that Xander was okay, Spike threw himself back into the fray.

*****

“Xander”

“Yeah Spike?”

“I saw you die tonight luv.”

Xander looked up from his newspaper, the funnies section, and looked at Spike, confusion clouding his features.

“Come again?”

“I saw it, clear as day, I saw that demon slice your head off right in front of me.” Staring at the wall, Spike’s expression was unreadable.

“Oookay, but Spike, my head is still on. Or, wait,” Xander put his hands on his neck and felt around, “nope, definitely still attached.” He gave Spike a goofy smile, thinking he knew where this conversation was going and really hoping he was wrong. Even in the beginning of their relationship, when they hadn’t known how serious it was going to get, when they hadn’t known that they would fall in love, both Spike and Xander had studiously ignored the elephant in the room. They never talked about it, they never acknowledged it, they never made plans for more than a few months in advance. There was no subject more taboo than that of Xander’s mortality. Frankly, Xander had hoped that denial would have lasted them a couple more years, but life on a Hellmouth drastically lowered a person’s life expectancy, and he supposed that he’d been lucky that it had taken this long after all.

Spike kept staring at Xander intently. “Luv, you could have died today.”

Xander’s smile faded, yep, they were really talking about this. “But I didn’t Spike, I’m still here.”

“It was too bloody close! If the Slayer had been even the tiniest bit slower, or farther away or if you had taken an extra second to…” Spike trailed off. He knelt down in front of where Xander was sitting on the couch and put his hands on Xander’s knees, gripping tightly. “I can’t lose you Xan, I can’t. You can’t leave me here alone. I love you; I’ll do anything for you, anything to keep you with me. Please, stay with me!”

Xander knew what Spike was offering, asking for, begging for. He wanted Xander forever, and really Xander wanted that too, but he didn’t have forever. He had maybe sixty to seventy years if his family history was anything to go by. “Spike…”

“Let me turn you luv, please, Xander, let us have forever.” Spike looked into Xander’s eyes, willing him to see the desperation and love that filled them. “I can’t watch you die.”

Xander swallowed around the lump in his throat and spoke, “I’ll be more careful, I won’t patrol as much, I’ll try an-“

“No!” Spike shook his head, “it’s not just patrol, not just demons. It’s the fear that fills up my insides when you get a cold, or sprain your ankle, or that someday I’ll wake up to a head full of grey hair and you’ll be that much closer to gone.” Blue eyes shined with unshed tears as they pleaded with Xander.

“You think it doesn’t scare me Spike, growing old? You think I wouldn’t love to travel the world with you for eternity? You think I want to leave you? I don’t!” Xander dropped his head into his hands, “but I can’t Spike. I can’t be a killer. I won’t.”

Spike leaned forward and rested his forehead against his hands on Xander’s knees. The next words were spoken softly, “you wouldn’t care if you were a demon, luv.”

Xander’s reply came just as quiet, “I care now Spike.”

Abruptly Spike stood up, and he fixed his eyes somewhere behind Xander’s head. “Fine. I get it. I understand.”  He walked stiffly away, grabbing his duster off the back of a chair and slamming his way out of the apartment.

Staring at the abandoned newspaper next to him, Xander thought hard. He’d meant what he said, he didn’t want to be a killer, but he loved Spike. Spike, who’d had everybody in his life, and unlife, leave him. Could he do that to his lover? Could he essentially abandon him here on earth as his soul went somewhere else? And the things Spike said, together forever, travel the world, be happy. Xander had to admit, it was all so very tempting. He felt like Eve with her apple, except the snake was the love of his life, and the apple was everything he ever wanted.

It was a hard choice, and if he knew Spike (and he did), Spike wasn’t just going to let this go. Could he hold out, stay strong in his decision? Xander searched within himself, mentally prodding his resolve, looking for weak spots, and he realized something.

He wanted Spike, he loved Spike. He would do whatever he could to make Spike happy. Eventually, somewhere down the line, he would agree. He would let Spike turn him; it was only a matter of time.

Xander took a moment to fully absorb this personal epiphany.

…

Moment taken, he picked up the phone to call Willow. If he was gonna get vamped, maybe she could make sure he wouldn’t kill anyone.

In his mind he reached up and plucked the apple from the tree.