JenLea (bohofemm) wrote in bloodclaim,

Fic: Lurking in the Midst 1/1

TITLE : Lurking in the Midst
AUTHOR: bohofemm
FANDOM: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
PAIRING: Spike/Xander.
GENRE : Slash
PROMPT: 060. Could Of,
WORD COUNT: 916 words.
SUMMARY: In life, everyone faces decisions.
WARNINGS: Character Death.
NOTES: X-Posted to lover100. A Detour out of Calescence....
DISCLAIMER: You recognize them? I don’t own them.

I know that he can't see me but I know he feels me.

Spike has never been a heavy sleeper. I asked him about it once. He told me he had too many enemies in too many places to ever be completely relaxed. Since I'm gone, he's gotten tenser. He glides in and out restlessly. Then, I lay on the bed next to him and gently rest my hand on his shoulder. He relaxes in a way he only did with me.

I can't feel him. Even when I rest my hand on him, I feel nothing. It's as if my hand is on air. It kills me that I can't touch him but this is the existence I chose. I could have gone to Heaven. I could have rested but I was informed on arriving by customs that there was a strict ban on seeing the Earthly Bound unless I checked the arrival board every day.

Did I mention Heaven's pearly gates are like an airport?

Most people would find that surprising. I know I did. I thought Heaven would be fluffier. According to Customs, it gets that way just after you leave. Because of the traumatic way I went, I had a choice. I could stay or I could pick ONE person to trail until they died. There were conditions that went with trailing someone, mainly 'The Shadow Clause'.

'The Shadow Clause' stated that the deceased was nothing. They had no emotions and they couldn't physically feel anything. They were just there, watching and waiting for their beloved to die.

Customs had assured me this was a fate worse than death but I didn't care. I couldn't enjoy Heaven without Spike. It never would have worked. I would have gone crazy after the first day. I wanted to be with him, no matter what it did to me.

For some reason, the Shadow Clause doesn't fully apply to me. I may be nothing but I can feel pain. I can feel it radiating off of him. It torments me, knowing he'll never realize just how close I am. Sometimes, I catch him, looking around wistfully, hoping to glimpse me. His brilliant eyes light up, only to flicker out when he sees nothing.

I know he contemplates joining me. It's in the way he fingers the cord to the blinds before he slips into bed. It's in the way he turns his head at the old Catholic Church, staring through the clear windows at the font. It's in the way he slides his hand over the chair of the coffee table, reminiscing about the last time it seemed hopeless.

I want him to be with me with every fiber of my being. I want to touch him, to kiss him. I want to feel him next to me. There's a special place in Heaven reserved for the happiest of couples. Customs has assured me that there's a special room waiting for us when we get there.

He falls asleep fully dressed, not even bothering to take off his boots. I can see it in the restless way he sleeps. He just doesn't care anymore. He's lost his will to live. I hate seeing him like this. This is not my Spike. I hardly recognize what he's become.

He visits my grave every night and lays a single black rose at the base of the stone. He's done this every night for the past six months. Tonight, it's different though. Tonight, he has a white rose along with the black rose.

Realization hits me. There's a reason he's breaking routine...

He begins to speak, just rambling. He tells me how much he misses me and that things just haven't been the same. He mentions Willow and how she's hurt but has Kennedy and tells me he still doesn't like her. He says he loves me and not a day has gone by that I haven't been on his mind. Then, he breaks down, softly crying.

Xan, don't consider me a coward for this. My heart's tore apart. Tried my hardest, Pet. I can't go on like this. Need you.

I glance up. The night sky has begun to lighten. He has maybe fifteen minutes left. Fifteen minutes until forever. I wait, knowing I'll be seeing him soon.

Spike rests his forehead on the grass, waiting. He doesn't falter. He doesn't flinch. He just sits there. I can't help but admire his courage. Clearly, he's thought long and hard about this. I know this by the still way he sits.

Glancing down at my hands, I realize they're tingling.

Tingling? I shouldn't be feeling this. Why am I suddenly uncomfortable? My eyes drift towards the sky. The sun has just begun to peak over the horizon. I close my eyes, hearing a soft sizzle. Slowly, I open my eyes. If he's going to do this, I can watch. After all, he's doing this for me.

Suddenly, I'm aware of someone standing next to me. Slowly, I turn and realize it's Spike. He nibbles on his lower lip, the way he does when he knows he has to say something that can potentially come out wrong.

I reach out and lightly touch his cheek, pulling back when I realize he's warm. It startles me because I've never felt him warm before. I can't speak. Anything I say now would just ruin the moment. Finally, I do the only thing I can think of.

I embrace him.

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