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|| Bloodclaim ||
You know they're doin' it
Fic: Wishes and Wants 
31st-Dec-2008 04:11 am
Title: Wishes and Wants.

Author: BmblBee
Paring: S/X
Rating: Very NC17!
Disclaimer: I own none of the characters, products or articles
mentioned in this story and gain no monetary profit from it.

Summary: This is the follow up to Happy Birthday, which can be found:

Willow and Buffy are feeling guilty about their fake gift and are concerned
they haven't heard from Xander in days. When they check on him, they
find him with Spike. In shock, they decide to do a real spell to give their
friend his hearts desire, hoping he will dump Spike.

Warning: This story is a pointless, spornographic bit of fantasy, fluff and
sex. The author does NOT endorse the bizarre sexual techniques or
situations this story contains. (O.k., some of them are......never mind)

As always, full credit to the talented Petxnd who puts wonderful visuals to
my words and brings the stories alive.

"No gag reflex?"

Willow thought about that and nodded. When Buffy was right, she was right.
Before they had a chance to further discuss the Slayers' hidden talents, they
found themselves standing on the cracked cement stoop that stood in front
of the stairs up to the entrance of Xander's building.

Neither made the first move to enter. Finally, Buffy looked over at her friend.
"You really think he's mad at us?"

Willow flinched.
"He kinda has good reason to be. But, on the upside, it's Xander and God
knows we have done worse and he always forgives us, so why should this
time be different. I'll bet he would even take us out to eat if we asked real nice."

Buffy's face lit up.
"Hey, it's taco Sunday down at the Alamo Pit. Let's apologize, grovel a bit,
and go grab a bite. Xander can pay."

With the problem all but solved, they dashed up the steps and reached
for the door knob of the first apartment on the left. Much to their surprise,
it was locked. Willow tried again while Buffy looked over her shoulder.

"Sometimes it sticks. Just jiggle it a little it'll open."

"Damn, Buff, I think it's locked. He never locks the door. Oh My God! Do
you think something has happened to him? Maybe he is lying dead on the
floor. Attacked by a burglar. No, wait, he doesn't have anything to steal.
Maybe he was eaten by a demon. Spike did mention once that he thought
Xander was a nummy treat. Do you think he has been chewed on?"

Willow paused in her attempts to open the door and she turned a quizzical
face toward her friend.
"Spike told you that? When?"

Buffy dramatically flipped her hair back off her shoulder.
"Oh, one of the times he came over and tried to wriggle into my panties.
The jerk. Just to make sure that never happens, I stopped wearing
underwear. Pfft. You can't get one over on me."

Willow decided to think that one over later. Right now she was extremely
worried about the friend that has not been seen or heard from for two days.
Immediately she began pounding the palm of her hand against his door and

"XANDER! HEY, XANDER! Open the door! It's us, Buffy and Willow!"

Before they could shout again, the door cracked open and Xander's
flushed, sweaty face, wild fuzzy hair and huge grin peeked out.

"Hey, hi. Um, sorry I haven't called to thank you but I've been a bit
busy. Very busy actually."

Xander burst into a fit of near hysterical giggles that caused both women
to scowl suspiciously.

Immediately Buffy slammed her hand against his door and began pushing.

"Open the door Xander. Something is going on and we want to know what."

Before he could stop them, his best friends shoved the door open, causing
him to stumble backwards, and they stepped in. Both were shocked and
concerned at his appearance. His body was covered with sucker bites and
there were red raised nail marks down his chest and stomach. Even more
upsetting were the ripped white boxers that barely covered his privates and
the trail of sticky chocolate syrup that ran down the inside of his left thigh
Willow was the first to read the signs.

"OH MY GOD! You got laid!"

Xander threw both arms out to his sides and began singing.

"Happy birthday to me. Happy birthday to me. I got me some nookie,
cause of magic cards three."

Willow was silent. They had come here to be honest. To tell the truth
and apologize for the cheap ass trick they had played on him, but if he
got lucky anyway, and thought it was because of the magic cards, well
fuck, she couldn't see any reason to throw sand in his pudding now.

"Great! See the cards worked! I mean I knew they would but, hey
see, Buffy, Xander got.........."

Buffy put her hands on her hips.

"Yeah, Willow, but didn't you say.....OW!"

Reaching around behind her, Willow grabbed and pinched an inch
of Buffy's ass to shut her up.

"Sorry we interrupted but Buff and I were worried cause we hadn't seen
you for two days and we wondered what........"

"Evening ladies"

Spike stepped, nude, from the bedroom and casually scratched his ass
as he passed. He then strolled on toward the kitchen.

The other three people in the room stared at the vampire as he nonchalantly
shuffled by. Xander with moon eyes and Buffy and Willow with bug eyes
and silent gaping mouths. Both women wanted to scream. To shout
their shocked outrage.

A small squeak was the best they could do.

"Well, as you can see, I'm very busy."

Xander shoved and pushed till he got both his friends back across
the threshold.

"We'll talk later. DON"T CALL ME! I'll call you. Thanks again. TTFN."

The solid door was quickly slammed in their faces, barely missing Buffy's
slightly pointed nose. Before the initial force of the shock could wear
off, the door again opened. This time only a few inches, and Xander
face again appeared.

"By the way, I'm gay."

WHOOSH! The door shut and the women spun around to face each other.
This time, they found their voice and did the only thing they could.

They screamed!
31st-Dec-2008 09:26 am (UTC)
ROFL teehee that was precious Bee, completely wonderful... hahaha ohhhh such a romp!!!!!!! *beams*
31st-Dec-2008 09:56 am (UTC)
Tomorrow (insert Jaws shark music here) the girls
devise a plan.

Oh, and I am looking for what you requested.
31st-Dec-2008 09:58 am (UTC)
Whoooo! I laughed so much I snorted my coffee! This is absolutely priceless! I LOVE it.

'The solid door was quickly slammed in their faces, barely missing Buffy's slightly pointed nose. Before the initial force of the shock could wear off, the door again opened. This time only a few inches, and Xander
face again appeared.

"By the way, I'm gay."'

OMG *Picks self of floor* WTG Xander! WTG Bee!!
31st-Dec-2008 10:04 am (UTC)
A snorted coffee! This early in the story!
I'm thrilled.

So you would think they would be happy that Xander has
someone wouldn't you? Nope. Leave it to the girls
to fix a situation that isn't broke.
31st-Dec-2008 11:12 am (UTC)
Well they got what they deserved interrupting Spike and Xander like that. Buffy is such a (I'm not going to say dumb blond. It would insult the smart ones out there.) Ditz. And if Willow believed the cards work she isn't very smart. I hope they don't try to screw things up for Xander. He is finally happy. But this is so hilarious.
31st-Dec-2008 11:20 am (UTC)
Buffy is a bit of a ditz, but more than that, she is innocent.
By the end of the Buffy series, she had become older, jaded and hard.
I prefer to think of her the way she was in the first shows, sucking
on a lolly and looking at the world through rose colored glasses.

Although inevitable, I didn't like what years of being the Slayer
did to her.
31st-Dec-2008 01:13 pm (UTC)
Oh *lol* what a wonderful and funny BUT WAYS TOOOO SHORT!!! chapter. Thank you so much. Beedoll and I are smiling and we both like your new fic, especially I do love my imaginations while Spikes goes through the scene and is scratching his ass. Wonderful picture in my head in common with a good fucked and very happy Xander. And the stupid face expressions by the girls!! GREAT!!! JUST GREAT!!
31st-Dec-2008 01:28 pm (UTC)
I live to make you and the beedoll happy.
O.k, maybe not, but still, I like to see you smile.
Tomorrow the girls will decide what to do about
our poor Xander and his vampire.
31st-Dec-2008 02:05 pm (UTC)
LOL! Another amusing chapter. You just gotta love Spike's nonchalant attitude.
31st-Dec-2008 02:18 pm (UTC)
Yeah, he's just pumping out copious amounts of......confidence.
Question is, what will the girls do about it?
Tomorrow, they make a plan.
31st-Dec-2008 02:56 pm (UTC)
lmao!!! too funny! i love that they found out by Spike strolling through naked, *giggles* I almost felt sorry for them...almost.
31st-Dec-2008 03:19 pm (UTC)
You know there is no way they are going to allow this to continue.
They need a plan. They need a magic spell.
31st-Dec-2008 03:41 pm (UTC)
*Snorfle!* This is wonderful I have a vision of Xander cracking open the door saying, "By the way, I'm gay." and slamming it again! When you make moon eyes at your lover scratching his bare butt, you know it's true love! An inspiration!!
31st-Dec-2008 04:04 pm (UTC)
Come on now, you know we have all made moon eyes at a
bare butt or two.
Now if the girls would just respect Xander and leave them

31st-Dec-2008 09:16 pm (UTC)
*snickers near uncontrollably*

31st-Dec-2008 10:02 pm (UTC)
The girls will soon have a plan!
31st-Dec-2008 09:27 pm (UTC)
Oh, oh my. Such a lovely, wacky, funny story! Glad I caught up with it. Thanks for the hint.

So, the girls, those dear sweet (gag) girls are going to try to 'fix' it. Sigh. But love, especially between Spike and Xander will prevail. Won't it?

I also loved Spike just wandering through, naked, scratching his lovely ass, just ignoring the stunned girls. He's got what he wants! A Xander of his own.

Looking forward to the next chapter. Lovely way to start the New Year.

31st-Dec-2008 10:03 pm (UTC)
His very own Xander. What could they possibly do to mess this up?
31st-Dec-2008 10:21 pm (UTC)
I've only just got an LJ and joind this community. I discovered your writing and have thoroughly enjoyed reading. This is absolutely hilarious! Kudos and to Petxnd on a great banner.
31st-Dec-2008 11:16 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much and welcome aboard. We are delighted to have you.
1st-Jan-2009 01:10 am (UTC)
The only thing I can say...Tee hee (This is a very poor translation of my hysterical laughter while reading this chapter.) :)

I just love Buffy's logic that to keep Spike from wriggling into her panties she stopped wearing underwear.(giggle) And Xander opening the door to say, "By the way, I'm gay." before closing the door in their faces again was priceless.

By the way I just want to say thank you for sharing this with us. Things have been pretty tough in my neck of the woods lately and it's really nice to have something that makes me laugh this much.
1st-Jan-2009 09:14 am (UTC)
Poor Baby *Bee hug* It seems like everyone is have
a 'wrestle with the alligator' time in RL.
I'm glad this gives you a smile.
1st-Jan-2009 01:55 am (UTC)
way too much fun here... and the picture of buffy in the banner by petznd says it all!!
1st-Jan-2009 09:17 am (UTC)
That is the Buffy I prefer. Young, innocent, self absorbed and slightly clueless.
1st-Jan-2009 10:37 pm (UTC)
*Squealing* That was hilarious! Just loved it. Happy New Year!
2nd-Jan-2009 12:45 am (UTC)
Happy New Year, Sweety!
2nd-Jan-2009 12:20 am (UTC)
This story needs a food and beverage warning missy! Bwahahahahahaha. I nearly sucked an M&M down the wrong pipe reading this. My sides hurt. Very well done comedy by the way.
2nd-Jan-2009 12:53 am (UTC)
Thank you so much! I have done so much dark lately that I
needed to do a funny.
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