FANDOM: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
GENRE : Slash
WORD COUNT 1280
SUMMARY: This is the way it always work out...
NOTES: X-Posted to 10_hurt_comfort. This is something new I'm trying, so, I want HONEST opinions.
DISCLAIMER: You recognize them? I don’t own them.
A couple of shots later, Spike has the heavy receiver in his hand and is fumbling for the number he stores in his wallet. He's not sure why there is a pay phone in the bar. It's the only one he knows of in the area but that doesn't bother him.
He knows what he is doing is wrong. There needs to be space between them in order to let them heal. Yet, as he dials, he knows there is no stopping him, no matter how wrong.
One ring. Two rings. Three.
Just as he's about to hang up, Xander picks up.
“What can I do for you?”
They've been broken up for a little over a year. The stress of jobs and life...the fact they want different things...just took their toll. They were tired of fighting. They were tired of anger. It was easier to live apart.
“Just wanted to say hello. I'm at that place by your place...Nico's?”
“Do you want to meet?”
“No. Probably busy. Imagine the Slayer has you doing some Watcher business. Probably too busy for a bloke like me.”
“Reviewing files. Believe me. I'd kill for a break. Come up. I think I have some blood in the freezer and I know there's some Baileys around. Coffee?”
Coffee...that was doable. Two friends meeting for coffee. Nothing more.
“Sounds good. See you.”
He walks out of the bar and into a misty winter night. A light rain has begun to fall. Nibbling on his lower lip, Spike can't help but think that the weather matches his mood.
We say it'll just be coffee...but we know exactly what'll happen.
He shakes his head, climbing the winding staircase leading into the old loft.
There's an undeniable chemistry between them. It's one of the very few things Spike doesn't quite understand. How can two people so perfect for each other be unable to make it work? Shouldn't there be some way to make it work?
Silently, he reaches out for the door and knocks. He stiffens, hearing Xander approach the door. A thick door stands between them and yet, Spike can already pick up on the subtle Sandalwood cologne that Xander always insists on wearing.
“Didn't have to knock,” Xander insists, opening the door. “I was expecting you.”
Spike takes him in. Red plaid pajama pants. A white t-shirt. His brown hair naturally flopping into his eyes. The black eye patch that he always wears, even when sleeping...his “security blanket”.
“I always hated those pants.” He speaks before he can even think of something to say.
“Well, I figured it was better than what I had on before.”
“What was it?”
“As in 'I ain't telling' or wearing absolutely nothing?”
“Little bit of both.”
“Doesn't exactly work like that, Pet.”
“It does when you're wandering the house in ripped boxers.” Xander glances around mischievously. “I can take them off.”
Spike bites down on his lower lip. He had known that was coming. It wasn't the first time they had met for coffee and then ended up in bed. Not that he minded but it was mildly painful, a reminder of what they could never have.
They were better apart than they had been as a couple. Xander's job required long travel hours. Spike hated being alone almost more than he hated flying. There had been no way to make it work so they could both be happy.
Ought to be moving on... He thinks, pausing. Shaking the thought, he smashes his lips against Xander's, taking in what he can. Quickly, the kiss turns long, deep and passionate. Before he knows it, he's reaching out, struggling to pull the t-shirt over Xander's head.
There are a million reasons that this is wrong. He knows this, as he gently cups Xander's behind, guiding him to the old canopy bed. They aren't together anymore. They can never make it work. They need to move on and forget about what they shared.
There's only one reason he can think of that shows what they share isn't wrong.
It's this reason that guides him.
They love each other.
Even when things were at their worst, the love was never doubted. No matter how much Spike shouted, Xander always knew what his lover's gentle kisses said. No matter how quiet Xander got, Spike could always read his eye, that soft, comfortable look that only comes from a pure love.
Later on, Xander rests in his arms. The sheet loosely wrapped around him, Spike takes in the man in his arms, peacefully sleeping. The fact Xander can sleep like this is a testament to what they share. Due to years with the Council and just the aftermath of growing up in Sunnydale, he can't sleep just anywhere. The ability to relax and just sleep is a sign of trust.
He should be sleeping. It's 4 AM. There's no way he can ever run out on Xander when he's sleeping. When they were together, it was the one thing he could ever guarantee. He'd be here until Sunset tonight.
Sleep isn't coming. His mind is too full of thoughts. It's always like this. They make love without regard for their situation. As they come down, Xander falls asleep and Spike is left to deal with the wonders, regrets, and vows.
He wonders if they had made the right decision. Sure, they argued a lot but what couple didn't? It was just a natural part of being in a relationship.
Yet, that peaceful calm that surrounds them now was never with them when they were together. Their intense love had been marred by tension and anger. Each hated watching the other one suffer-thus, the mutual to split.
He vows to enjoy each and every minute they have together. He can honestly admit that the times with Xander are some of the best he's had in his very long life. At one point, he thought the minutes would last forever but now, he understands that they are something to be cherished, not taken for granted. Looking back, he wishes he had understood that they wouldn't last forever.
As for his regrets, they weigh heavily on him, making a little sad.
He never regrets sleeping with Xander. What they share in bed is special. Spike's been with a few other partners but none of them have matched up to Xander...specifically what they share. The raw emotions that pass through each passionate motion. The way they are perfectly in sync, as though meant for each other.
He regrets that they're over.
Before things got rough, he used to watch Xander sleep and know that they would be together forever. Life would be simple. Life would be easy. Just the two of them. Their love would carry them through.
He knows now that he should have known better. Life is never easy. Forever can end in an instant of pain. And sometimes love just isn't enough.
Now as he watches Xander sleep, he sees the future as something much different. Xander will eventually move on, finding someone to make him happy. He'll retire and raise the family he's always wanted. He'll remember the love they shared but it will fade like a candle, always lit but forever growing dimmer.
It was the way of life.
Xander curls tighter into him, moving slightly. Spike tightens his grip, staring up at the stucco ceiling. As his eyes grow heavy, he makes a final decision.
It's the same decision he always makes.
Wrong. Very Wrong. But right.