Title: Spike And Xander's Infinite Playlist
Disclaimer: I own nothing. I bend to Joss Whedon's will and try my best not to murder his characters.
Summary: It went from obsession, to pleasure, to hate, then to something unexpected.
Warning: Really angsty
Notes: This has nothing to do with the movie involving Nick and Norah, I just liked the title. These are 12 100 word drabbles each based off a fanmix I made awhile ago.
Xander stared at Spike from across the cemetery. He hadn’t planned on wanting Spike, it had just happened. For some reason he wanted to smash his lips against Spike’s and pull him into a kiss that he would never forget. If he could trade way all his possessions for just one thing, it’d be to just taste Spike, even if just for that one time. Just to cross the line from hate to love, that would be something. He thought about going over and telling Spike exactly how he felt. But instead, Xander just walked on by without a word.
Build Me Up Buttercup
Spike had seen Xander staring at him in the cemetery and now he was messing with him. It had started with him pulling Xander into an alley and kissing the daylights out of him only to pretend it didn’t happen. Then Spike would tell him to wait somewhere for him, then show up an hour later. It was getting on his last nerve, but he couldn’t stop! Xander dutifully went wherever Spike told him to go and let Spike treat him like some boy toy. The worst part of all of it was that Xander needed and loved the attention.
Dirty Little Secret
Their relationship had dangerously gone past making out in alleys or on gravestones. It had moved to fucking, mainly in Spike’s bed and the occasional alley. Xander felt dirty and he wanted to tell Buffy or Willow so badly, but the words wouldn’t come when he talked to them. He figured he could just keep having sex with Spike without telling them. It wasn’t like they had to know every single aspect of his life, but for some reason, it wasn’t like he hated having sex with Spike. Just for some reason the secret was just eating away at him.
All My Life
All his life, Spike had been waiting for something. He remembered when he was human, he’d dream of the day when he’d find someone or something to love. Nothing had ever come and instead he found everything taken away from him by Angelus. Now he was with Xander. It wasn’t the same and he loved it. He truly loved being with Xander, but something about it. Loving it made him hate it, hate the taste of Xander against his lips. Sometimes, he hated it so much he wished he was back with Angelus just so he wouldn’t feel so… guilty.
Dominated Love Slave
Spike didn’t get why Xander kept coming back. He treated Xander like dirt, lower than dirt, but he kept coming back. Night after night, Spike would dominate and abuse Xander. The chip didn’t even go off because Xander wanted it. He wanted Spike to use chains, staples, just anything. At first Spike didn’t mind, it was fun, but now it felt wrong. Part of him felt guilty, like it was somehow his fault that Xander was getting off on the pain he was supplying. The other part of him felt dirty, disgusting, and used like a discarded piece of rubbish.
Figured You Out
One night, Spike figured it out, it wasn’t that hard. He knew why Xander asked for the abuse. It wasn’t some secret kink or he hated life and needed an escape. It was the only way Xander felt he could be with him. Spike thought it was okay, that it meant Xander really did want to be with him on some basic level. Then he realized that Xander was ashamed of Spike, ashamed of them. The punishment was because he was dating Spike. Spike didn’t think it would hurt. He loved everything about Xander, now Spike found himself hating him.
Should I Stay Or Should I Go
Xander couldn’t believe it. Spike was giving him an ultimatum. Xander either admitted that he had feelings for Spike or he let Spike leave. Everything was fine, now Spike was saying it was all black and dark, that there was nothing good about the relationship. Xander wanted to scream and tell him he did care, but didn’t know if he wanted to. Spike was right. He had been horrible to Spike and Spike just took it. Xander saw himself as Spike’s possession, as his lover, but saying that would make Spike stay and Xander knew he would hurt him again.
Set Me Free
Xander had to have Spike one last time or he would never be able to let him go. All those times he and Spike had done this, it was a different kind of freedom, a different kind of release. They went down on each other right on the crypt floor, letting the dust fly as they grasped at each other. Then it was over, the sweet release, the sensation that would be Spike’s send off. Spike waited a millisecond and Xander thought in that millisecond he should tell him to stay. But he didn’t say anything, he set Spike free.
Once he returned to his apartment, Xander realized all that had transpired in that one millisecond. Spike had wanted to stay. He had wanted Xander to tell him there was more and to ask him to stay. For once Xander thought he had made the right decision, but here he was being the Zeppo again. It should’ve been so obvious. It was the perfect situation, all he had to do was say the right words and everything would have been better. Instead, he let it all slip down the drain. Xander wondered if it was too late to fix everything.
The crypt was empty except for a note:
I’m broken and I can’t seem to pick up the pieces. I thought I would be alright and I could leave, but stay in Sunnydale. I can’t though. I’ve made so many mistakes and I just want to be a better man for you. I’m not a man though. I ran my entire life into the ground from when I was human to now. I want to make it right, if you’re reading this, please let me go. You’ll find someone, someone who can actually happy.
Your only one,
Rain began to fall as Xander hopped in his car and sped off. He couldn’t believe he hurt Spike so much that he would leave town. Now, Xander needed to find him. He wanted to say he was sorry. He didn’t think Spike would take him back after what he did to him, but he just had to say he was sorry. He had to let Spike know that because of him, he wanted to be a better person and never hurt anyone again. Xander so wrapped in thought that he didn’t see the motorcycle until it hit his bumper.
Accidentally In Love
It was quiet besides the rain and whirring sound of motorcycle’s tire still spinning. Spike got up from the spot he landed after being thrown off the bike. His eyes landed on Xander’s. Something invisible passed through them as they stared at each other through the rain. It spoke volumes about how stupid they both had been. Xander rushed over to Spike and pulled him into a deep kiss of passion. Somewhere in all the hurt and craziness, they had fallen in love with each other. It was so scary and so beautiful. They didn’t want it any other way.