FANDOM: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
GENRE : Slash
WORD COUNT: 883
SUMMARY: Spike's going to let him go with dignity...
NOTES: X-Posted to 10_hurt_comfort. This is something new I'm trying, so, I want HONEST opinions. Prequel to Tonight
DISCLAIMER: You recognize them? I don’t own them.
Spike rests against the frame of the door, trying to ignore the piles of clothes spread all around. It's difficult to do but he just bites his lip and goes on. If he chooses to acknowledge the clothes, then, he'll just end up breaking down, begging Xander to stay.
He knows that can never happen.
The decision to separate was not an easy one. It had been made after many sleepless nights of tossing and turning. Nothing would make them work. They had tried it all. Maybe love wasn't all you needed. Maybe love was only part of the recipe.
“Do you want these?” Xander's voice breaks the tense silence.
Spike turns his head in Xander's direction, to see the red plaid pants he always hated Xander wearing. “You love those ratty things. Why get rid of them?”
“Well, if you hate them, then I think maybe they're not the best to take along on a new start.”
Spike fails to see the logic in this but then again, he normally has a difficult time understanding Xander. Usually, if it made perfect sense to Xander, then it made no sense to Spike.
It was just one of the idiosyncrasies of their relationship.
“Keep 'em.” Spike eases himself down on the bed. “Never know when they'll come in handy.” He watches as Xander paces between the walk-in closet and various suitcases. His nostrils flare as he catches the faintest hint of Xander's delicate Sandalwood cologne.
“You'll have to visit as soon as I'm settled,” Xander babbles, folding dress shirts. “It's this huge industrial loft, with these huge floor to ceiling windows.”
“Love to, Pet, but don't think you want me near 'em. Vampire dust is such a strain on vacuum filters.” Spike chews on his tongue, avoiding what he really wants to say.
“Well. I'm installing blackout curtains so you can visit. Besides, all that sun can get annoying.” He smirks, looking at Spike. “Little over a year and a half with you and you got me hating the sun.” He reaches out, giving Spike's hand a reassuring squeeze.
Spike pulls away, unable to stand Xander's warm touch. They obviously are still very much in love. Why can't they make it work?
As much as he wants to admit he doesn't know why it can't work, he knows he can't lie to himself. There's always too much tension. Too much anger. Too much pain. For both of them. Xander travels so much that he's never there. It makes him feel guilty. Spike ends up pacing like a caged animal, wanting nothing more than to be with Xander.
It's not fair to either of them.
The love will always be there.
They just won't be together.
“Do you know why I fell for you?” Xander zips up a suitcase before tossing it into a growing pile in the corner. “Honestly?”
“You needed a date to a slayer wedding and didn't want to have to go with that demony friend of Red's?” Spike begins to anxiously drum his fingers against the nightstand.
“Well, no. I'm sure Katya was very nice. She just needed to eat flies and worms, and I wasn't about to be supplying. Bug ladies are always the creepiest. However, that's not why I fell for you.” He lightly strokes Spike's hand, ignoring the blatant discomfort on Spike's face. “Your smile.”
Spike cocks his head, certain that he looks puzzled.
“You had the most intriguing smile of anyone I'd ever met. It was mischievous, adorable but still very wise.” He sighs. “Well, I think that's it. Will you visit?”
They've agreed to remain friends, close friends. There is absolutely no animosity between the two of them. However, Spike does wonder how long they can last as friends before one of them loses it.
“Of course, Xan. Maybe not for a few weeks but I will visit.” Spike bites hard enough on his lip enough to draw blood. Ignoring the coppery taste, he sighs. He wants Xander's last memory of them to be one of compassion and dignity, not the one he loves lying on their-no- his bed in a broken heap. Finally, he smiles.“Will you visit me?”
“Occasionally.” Xander sighs. He approaches Spike and lightly kisses him on the mouth.
Spike momentarily melts into Xander's kiss before pulling apart. He's confused but he knows it'll make no sense to ask Xander why. All he'll get is some babbly answer that he doesn't quite get.
“For the good times.” Then, he leans down once more and quickly pecks Spike twice on the lips before making the third kiss long and passionate. “Good bye.” He picks up a stack of suitcases, and heads towards the door.
Spike is stunned into silence, the taste of coffee lightly lingering on his lips. As he stands, his legs wobble, threatening to give out. He watches Xander disappear through the door, never looking back. He wonders if it's hurting Xander as much as it's hurting him.
As he falls back on the bed, he cradles his pillow, noticing one thing.
It has recently been spritzed with sandalwood cologne.
With that one scent, he comes to a realization.
Xander wanted to make sure he was remembered.