Rating: Adult NC17
Warnings: M/M sexual situations, adult language, reference of violence.
Disclaimer: The Bee owns nothing in this world but her own peace of mind.
I have no claim on any of the characters or products named and make no profit
from my stories.
Summary: AU (Human? Vampire?)
This is the simple tale of a successful psychiatrist with a busy practice.
Dr. Alexander Harris lives and works in the rich and colorful area of the Florida Keys
and everything about his life seems right on track. Then, one day a man comes to
him for help. He is troubled with a history of violence that he hopes therapy can
teach him to control. Clear cut? Maybe not.
As always, thanks to the wonderful Petxnd for the amazing banners and loyal friendship
Xander laughed easily and took his own chair across from his patient.
"They are hanging as well as can be expected, Spike. How have you been this
week? Did anything happen that you would like to talk about?"
Spike sat quietly for a moment and cast a penetrating stare that Alex swore he
could physically feel. It was like a thousand prickly needle points skipping up
and down his back bone. Finally the spell broke as Spike visibly relaxed and
"Nay, it's been a pretty quiet week. I've really looked forward to coming back
here to see you."
Alex nodded and leaned back in his chair.
"Good. Good. Well, now that we are into the second session, I think it might
be a good time to start to take a look at that anger issue. Maybe we can talk
about some of the things that seem to set you off. Are you ready to do that?"
Spike calmly brushed a small speck of lint from the front of his tight, black shirt
as he appeared to be considering the point. He knew he would have to do this
in order to achieve the goal but, oh, sweet Jesus how he had been dreading it.
"Yeah, right. We could do that. Maybe first we could talk a bit about the process.
I've never been to a shrink before. How do I know that this will do me any good?
I mean, no offense. What about you, Doc? You ever been to a shrink?"
The questions and need for reassurance was common in first time patients
and Alex was more than willing to put Spike's mind at ease.
"Absolutely. In fact, any doctor going into psychiatry is required to engage in
a certain number of sessions to both examine his own psyche and to gain
a better understanding of the process from the patient's point of view. I found it
very informative and personally beneficial."
Spike seemed to study on that answer for a moment before taking it a step further.
"So, that is the only time you were in therapy? I mean you never went before?
You know, when you were younger? Before you became a doctor?"
Alex suddenly found himself torn between the strong desire to slam shut the
iron gates and protect his privacy and the need to put his patient at ease. Before
he could examine the pros and cons of each side of the issue, he let his heart speak.
"I did, actually. As an adolescent, I went through some very difficult times
and I found myself in a situation that put me in dire need of help. I am very
grateful that the help came in time. I feel like it saved my life. Without
going into the particulars, I can say that it not only saved me but it inspired me
to go in to this line of work and hopefully offer the same helping hand to others."
This was an answer and an explanation that seemed to satisfy Spike entirely.
It was almost like he had thrown out a test and Alex had passed with flying
"That makes me feel a lot better, Doc. So, what do you want to know."
Alex set his note pad an pen out in front of him and for the first time today,
his patient had 100% of his attention.
"Tell me about your temper. Tell me of one incident that your temper got
completely out of hand. Tell me of the time that stands out from all the others."
Spike dropped his head. He knew this was coming and he wished there were
another way. He would tell the story, he had to, but there was no way he could
look the doctor in the eye when he did. So, staring at his chipped black nail polish,
he took a deep breath and he spoke quietly.
"O.k, worst one. I had been seeing this bird. Beautiful, she was. Blond, soft
skin like silk. I loved her. Maybe more than I had ever loved anyone. I knew
she didn't love me, but I didn't care. I thought if we were together long enough,
she would learn to. From the beginning, our relationship was full of violence.
She would get mad and slap or punch me. I was no better. I would hit her
back, but she liked it. The sex was like that too. Rough, painful, stormy, but
damn, the orgasms were earth shattering. It was the was we were."
Alex sat forward in his chair as he hung on every word. Although this was a
story he had heard from other men, this time it felt more real, more personal
and he dreaded where it was going to go. Somewhere behind his eyes a
headache began to grow.
Unaware of the doctor's discomfort, Spike kept his eyes cast downward
and he continued.
"It wasn't the way I wanted us to be, but it was better than nothing. It was
better than not being with her, or so I thought. I pretended I didn't know
that the sight of me made her sick. Or that my touch made her flesh crawl.
Anyway, she told me it was over, but fuck, she told me that all the time. She
would say it, we would fight and then we ended up fucking and all was good
again. So this time she said it was finished. That she didn't want me any more.
I thought....... I went to her house........I tried to..........I hit her and she fought
me. This time I could feel something different in her refusal. Something desperate.
Alex wanted to throw up. His head was pounding and his ears were ringing.
He could almost picture the scene in is mind and the pain of it was nearly
"Why did you stop, Spike?"
Suddenly, Spike's face snapped up and he looking imploringly at the doctor,
silently begging him to understand, to see the truth of the matter.
"I stopped because I never wanted to hurt her. I stopped because being
with me was the worst thing for both of us. I was a disease that she needed
to have cut out. I have been violent most of my time on earth but not with
her. I didn't want to be like that with her. She deserved better. She deserves
better than me."
Alex subtly reached into his desk drawer and pulled out two aspirin that he
swallowed dry. He had no idea why this was touching him the way it was.
Where was his professional detachment? Where was his self preservation?
"How did it end between you? Did she ever forgive you? It's clear that you
haven't forgiven yourself."
Spike's shoulders raised then slumped in a shrug of defeat.
"We've talked. It happened some time ago and I think the space gave us both
a better look at it. She says part of the fault was her's and she forgives me, but I
don't believe that. I hurt her. I tried to rape her. All her friends knew about it
and they hate me for it."
Inexplicably, Alex almost hated the small, humble man in front of him too. He felt
an empathy, a compassion for the poor girl that was so confused that she allowed
this type of violence in her relationship. It didn't make sense. Alex knew that
Spike was probably as much a victim as she was. A victim of his background
and of his formative years that taught him how to be a man.
Clearing his head, Alex laid down his pen and he looked at the blue eyes
that were filled with tears, regret and sadness. Suddenly, he was consumed
with the need to help and comfort him.
"I'm sorry that happened to you Spike. I'm sorry for her and I'm sorry for you.
When do you think you first started equating emotional attachment with violence?
Who were some of your early relationships with and what were they like?"
Spike sniffed and swiped the back of his hand under his nose as his expression
"Um, well, I guess the first man I was ever with was pretty harsh. He sort of
owned me which gave him the right to beat me, rape me and use me anyway
Alex was stunned.
"That is terrible! Did you have him arrested? Is he still in the picture?"
Another tear of regret and sorrow slid down Spike's cheek.
"No, it wasn't like that. I cared for him but he couldn't stand the sight of me.
It was all about ownership and sex. I liked it too. The pain. The connection
to him. He's gone now. Dead. I still miss him."
Alex sighed. Sometimes things were not as they appeared. Spike was infinitely
more troubled than he had first seemed and these sessions were about to become
much more intensive than he anticipated. It steeled Alex's resolve. He vowed he
would do his best for Spike as he pushed a box of tissues across the desk for him.
"It will be all right, Spike. We can work through this. I promise that we
can find some peace for your life."