Warnings: HAU, M/M sex, humour, mild violence, swearing, angst, OOC, vague mentions of het sex, prostitution, varying chapter lengths. UNBETA'D. A little use of movie dialogue and songs.
Rating: NC17 overall, various chapters PG-NC17
Pairing: 100% S/X (With vague reference to X/OC, S/OC pre meeting.)
Comments: Comment if you want to, though it would be nice to know someone is reading it.
Disclaimer: I own nothing, everything belongs to someone who is not me. I write for fun not profit.
AN 1: Although Sunnydale characters have been used they are NOT necessarily in their Sunnydale persona's.
Note 1: This is set in the West of the 1880's, and it is not meant to be historically accurate. It mentions both the Mormon and Jewish faiths. This is fiction, it is a comedy, no disrespect is meant to either faith.
Note 2: My heartfelt thanks go out to my dear friend Bmblbee, for holding my hand through the writing and posting process. *Hugs*
Note 3: This is a plot driven story. What sex there is happens in the natural course of the plot and as part of Spike and Xander's relationship.
Summary: Xander Harris is a young, charismatic cowboy making his way gambling, petty thieving, womanizing and occasionally rustling through life. When he 'accidentally' steals $40,000 from the hapless Rayne gang, he and his clumsy, near-sighted horse Black Jack are forced to go on the run. He ends up in San Francisco, where he meets the handsome Englishman Spike 'Duke' Quaid, whore, con artist, bar tender and Saloon entertainer and their lives will never be the same.
Chapter 3/18 + Epilogue
Rating: NC17 Overall
Chapter 3/18 + Epilogue
Rating: NC17 Overall
'You can't hurry love'
They rode steadily on into early afternoon, putting a good few miles between themselves and Dirtwater. The gang was tired, Xander was exhausted and at last Ethan called a halt in a little gully where they could shelter near some rocks and shrubs. Ethan took the money bag and set it down near himself, the gang settled down to sleep and Xander lay a little apart, near Black Jack. None of the gang had spoken to him, but they didn't seem to mind him tagging along.
They'd been asleep about two hours when a pebble bouncing off the rocks woke Jesse. He peered from under his hat at the rocky ridge high above them, and he could just make out men on horseback making their way down the rocky incline. He nudged his pa and nodded, Ethan squinted at the riders and whispered. "It's the Dirtwater sheriff, looks like he got himself a posse." They scrambled to their feet and woke the others, ignoring Xander. Ethan tied the money bag to his saddle and mounted up. "What about him?" Danny nodded toward Xander, Xander opened his eyes hidden under his hat. "Leave him," Ethan whispered. "let the sheriff take care of him." The gang rode quietly away leaving the seemingly sleeping Xander. Once they'd gone, Xander removed his hat and sat up putting his hat on his head. He stood and dusted himself off and looked towards the ridge, the posse was still some distance away. He crossed to a pile of rocks and rummaged around and pulled out the money bag. "Well bless my soul Jack, guess Ethan musta got hold of the wrong bag by accident." He grinned and tied it to his saddle. "I'd love to see his face when he opens that bag and realizes everything it came directly from you." He swung into the saddle. "Yes sir handsome we're on our way to Australia and the good life. And there's only one place to catch that boat, San Francisco." He clicked his tongue and Black Jack broke into a steady canter going the opposite way from the gang and the posse.
Ethan called the gang to a halt. "Alright boys, split up that way the sheriff won't be able to follow us. Meet up on the other side of Gibson's Valley and we'll count the money." The gang broke up, riding in several directions.
Early Evening in San Francisco.... Lord Jim's Saloon and Music Hall........
Spike stood in the wings, The oil glistened on his bare chest and his muscles rippled under his pale skin. He tightened the belt on his skin tight blue jeans and checked the shine on his snakeskin cowboy boots. The girls stood with him in their white and blue costumes. Low bodices and short skirts, fishnet stockings and high heeled ankle boots, red lips and pink cheeks. Imitation bunches of grapes hung from their bodices. Buffy glared at him, Spike smiled sweetly. Rupert stood on his podium dressed in his bright red coat and brought down his gavel. "Now gentlemen and ladies," he announced. "what you've been waiting for, the Piccadilly Pixies and the one, the only, Cockney Sparrow himself, the Duke of Covent Garden... Our own, our very own ..Spike!"
There was clapping, whooping and wolf whistles as Spike poked his head through the red curtains. The piano tinkled.
*"Me mummy 'ad a fruiterer
the finest ever seen
'is fruit was fresh an' firm an' 'ard
an' for the most part clean."
Spike sang and walked out to the front of the stage.
"The ladies came from far and near
to sample 'is supply
but when the mums
reached for 'is plums
the fruiterer would crrryyyyy"
Spike wiggled his fingers suggestively as he walked from one side of the stage to the other. The curtain went back revealing the girls.
"You can touch me berries
but you mustn't touch me plums"
The girls danced gigging up and down and swaying their asses and Spike joined in.
"you can touch me cherries
but be careful with those thumbs"
They all bent over and wiggled their asses at the audience.
"you can squeeze me limes
a thousand times
from now till Winter comes"
Spike strutted forward and thrust his hips.
"I beg you each
enjoy a peach
but don't you touch me plums"
Xander came down the stairs, he was washed and changed into clean clothes. He looked at the stage and smiled, he'd never seen anything like it. He sat down at an empty table and pushed his hat back on his head and grinned, a man singing and dancing whatever next?
" 'e was very, very sensitive about his bloody plums."
The tempo changed. Spike and the girls turned their backs to the audience and jerked their hips from side to side, then the girls bent over and moved their asses up and down. Spike raised his arms turned to each side and jerked his hips in time to the music. Xander laughed and admired the view. The pale blond was compact and muscled, slender and had a firm round ass, he'd never really been attracted to men but this one caught his eye.
Spike walked down the steps from the stage as the girls high kicked behind him.
"A titled lady came one day
she 'ad a strange request
she' promised some plum puddin'
to a very royal guest"
Spike circulated the tables and bar, he lent against an older, mutton chopped gent in a Sea Captain's uniform. The Captain grinned as Spike stroked his side burns.
"I understand your plums sir
are inordinately larrrrrrrrrrrge
I'll feel a few
and if it's true
I don't care what you charge"
Spike sat on the lap of a middle aged suited gent and ran his finger down his cheek, the gent blushed.
" nahhhhhhhhhh you can touch me apples
me bananas and me pears
and all me other wares"
Spike raised his arms and jerked his hips from side to side.
"the queen's own guard
could ride up hard
with sabers plumes and drums
and I'd salute
say 'ave some fruit
but please don't touch me plums"
He settled in the lap of a strapping sailor sat at a table near Xander and put his arms around his neck.
" 'e was very, very sensitive about his bloody plums."
The music stopped, people clapped, stomped their feet and whistled, Spike grinned. "Staying in port long?" He asked the sailor.
The Rayne gang met up on the other side of Gibson's Valley having given the posse the slip. They got down from their horses and built a campfire. "Jesse, get the money from my horse, and we'll count it up." Ethan instructed. Jesse got the canvas bag and knelt down with it near the fire. Everyone lent forward eagerly, he opened the bag and recoiled a grimace on his face. "What's wrong boy?" Ethan scowled. "This bag's full of nothing but horse shit!" The men looked at one another. "Why that low down, no good, chicken shit son of a bitch!" Ethan snarled. "He switched bags while we were sleepin'."
"What we gonna do pa?" Jesse asked.
"He said somethin' about wantin' to go to Australia." Danny volunteered.
"The only place he can get a boat to Australia around here is San Francisco" Warren remarked.
Ethan growled. "Then we rest up and ride for San Francisco in the morning an' get our money back!"
Xander studied Spike, close up, he could see his sharp, high cheekbones, vivid blue eyes and plump pink lips. His cock jerked.
Rupert looked up and saw Spike nuzzling the sailor's neck, Buffy nodded to him and scowled. Rupert marched over and grabbed Spike by the arm, Buffy trailed him. "That'll be enough Spike, you can tend bar." He pulled Spike up. "I don't wanna tend bar," Spike whined. Buffy slipped onto the sailor's knee. "Hey!" Spike turned round and tried to pull her off, she slapped at him, Spike slapped back. "Git off him you two bit whore, I saw him first!" He growled. "Who you callin' a two bit whore? I is far more expensive than that!" Buffy protested, slapping him hard. Rupert grabbed Spike and dragged him away. "I warn you Spike anymore fighting with Buffy and you're fired." Spike pulled his arm free. "Not fired, I quit! I've had enough of you and this glorified toilet and that whore. I didn't come all the way from England to be treated like this. I've got style, I've got class, I've got talent." He stuck his nose in the air. "Ta, ta!" He stalked off.
A few minutes later Xander watched Spike come down the stairs wearing a striped shirt, leather vest and carrying large, canvas traveling bag. He glared at Rupert and stalked out of the saloon.
*Please Don't Touch Me Plums From 'The Duchess & The Dirtwater Fox.'