Warnings: HAU, M/M sex, humour, mild violence, swearing, angst, OOC, vague mentions of het sex, prostitution, varying chapter lengths. UNBETA'D. A little use of movie dialogue and songs.
Rating: NC17 overall, various chapters PG-NC17
Pairing: 100% S/X (With vague reference to X/OC, S/OC pre meeting.)
Comments: Comment if you want to, though it would be nice to know someone is reading it.
Disclaimer: I own nothing, everything belongs to someone who is not me. I write for fun not profit.
AN 1: Although Sunnydale characters have been used they are NOT necessarily in their Sunnydale persona's.
Note 1: This is set in the West of the 1880's, and it is not meant to be historically accurate. It mentions both the Mormon and Jewish faiths. This is fiction, it is a comedy, no disrespect is meant to either faith.
Note 2: My heartfelt thanks go out to my dear friend Bmblbee, for holding my hand through the writing and posting process. *Hugs*
Note 3: This is a plot driven story. What sex there is happens in the natural course of the plot and as part of Spike and Xander's relationship.
Summary: Xander Harris is a young, charismatic cowboy making his way gambling, petty thieving, womanizing and occasionally rustling through life. When he 'accidentally' steals $40,000 from the hapless Rayne gang, he and his clumsy, near-sighted horse Black Jack are forced to go on the run. He ends up in San Francisco, where he meets the handsome Englishman Spike 'Duke' Quaid, whore, con artist, bar tender and Saloon entertainer and their lives will never be the same.
Chapter 8/18 + Epilogue
Rating: NC17 Overall
Chapter 8/18 + Epilogue
Rating: NC17 Overall
AN: Spike and Xander can't really speak foreign languages, they're making it up as they go along, just like the author. LOL.
'You can't hurry love'
Xander climbed gingerly into the saddle. Ethan took aim from the window above and a bullet whistled passed Xander's ear, he ducked and Black Jack decided it was time to leave; Xander agreed and they galloped up the street and took the road out of town. The gang turned and raced from the room and tumbled down the stairs. Unfortunately Miss Mallone was waiting with her parasol, and it was several minutes before battered and bruised the gang staggered from the hotel. Xander was long gone.
The stage rattled and bounced as the horses pounded along the road. Spike kept shifting position as every bounce reminded him of the previous night. Wells sat beside him an enigmatic smile on his face.
Xander and Black Jack galloped steadily along the road. After several miles Xander looked ahead and saw a stage in the distance. It was just what he needed. The gang were looking for him on horseback, not in a stage, he urged Black Jack faster and was soon gaining on the stage. He shouted at the top of his voice. "Hey stop, pull over, stop!" The driver twisted in his seat and frowned, he took a rifle from beside him and lent down. "You folks best be prepared for trouble, we've got company and there's been a lot of hold ups on this road," he warned handing the rifle to a frowning Spike. He turned back and urged the horses faster. Wells leaned over. "I'll take that Duke." He took the rifle.
Spike leaned out of the window and saw Xander gaining on the stage. "Oh shit!" He exclaimed, drawing his head in and pulling down the flaps over the windows. Wells frowned unsure of what he'd heard. "Pardon Duke, did you say something?"
"Why yes, 'oosh' I said 'oosh'."
"Yes it's an old English hunting term like 'tally ho', we use it when an intruder joins the hunt."
"Really? I've never heard the expression."
"It seems we have an intruder and he's gaining on this little pack right now." Spike took the rifle from Wells, twisted round and pointed it out of the window aiming at Xander. "I'd better take care of this piece of 'oosh'." He was just going to wing the boy, enough to put him out of action.
Wells leaned across and snatched the rifle. "No sir, you mustn't. Mormons don't believe in killing."
Spike huffed. "That's why there are so many of the little buggers!" Spike muttered. Wells frowned.
Xander continued to yell. "Hey wait up, my life's in danger, let me aboard." He drew along side the stage on Wells side. "Hey, didn't you hear me? I want to get on the stage, pull over," he called to the driver. The driver looked a him. "Sorry son, can't stop it's against company rules to pull over between stops, and I'm a company man"
Xander scowled. "What about when your horses wanna a pee?" The driver chuckled. "They do it in flight so to speak."
"How does that work?"
"Stay downwind cowboy an' you'll find out," the driver chuckled. Spike rolled his eyes. "Well can you at least slow down and I'll try and jump aboard through the window?" Xander suggested.
"Nope." The driver slapped the reins.
Xander edged nearer the stage, the driver scowled. "Hey! That'll be ten dollars."
"From here to Virginia City is ten dollars."
Xander rode one handed while he fished two fives from his pocket and held them up to the driver. Driver snatched the money and grinned. "Get ready cowboy and I'll slow down a mite." The driver hauled on the reins and the stage slowed, Jack matched pace and Xander jumped. His fingers curled round the top of the stage and for a few moments he dangled on the outside, Spike gawped, pulled a handkerchief from his pocket and held it over his lower face. Xander swung his legs through the window and landed beside Wells, the driver slapped the reins and the sage gathered speed. Xander leaned out of the window. "Follow the stage Jack, but keep outta sight." The horse dropped behind the stage and veered off the road, Xander settled into his seat and tipped his hat. "Howdy folks, nice day for a stage ride." Wells nodded and Spike turned his back, holding the handkerchief to his face.
"Are you alright Duke?" Wells asked somewhat concerned. Spike coughed dramatically. "Yes," he croaked. " dust, it's the dust." Xander frowned. "You folks goin' far?" Wells smiled. "Salt Lake City. The Duke is taking up position as a tutor." Xander nodded and leaned forward for a better look at the Duke, Xander squinted. "Say Duke, haven't we met?" Spike shook his head and coughed. "No, no we've never met," he mumbled. Xander's eyebrows raised. "Are you sure? You look an awful lot like a fella I had the pleasure of just last night."
Wells scowled. "You must be mistaken Sir, this is the Duke of Covent-Garden."
"Is that right?"
Spike spun round and took the handkerchief from his face, his blue eyes blazing. "That's right. I. Have. Never. Met. You." Xander leaned back. "Guess I'm mistaken, no offence meant."
"None taken Sir, thank you."
Xander nodded. "Vous êtes bienvenu. That's French, do you speak French Duke?"#
"A smidgen." Spike nodded.
"That ought to do it. What about you sir, do you speak French?"
"Me?" Wells shook his head. "Alas not a word."
"Oh, that's too bad we could have had a nice little ménage à trois." Xander grinned, Spike spluttered.
Xander leaned forward. " Parllez vous un petite converstaioni Duke?"
"Qui, parllez away." Spike replied.
"Bon, vot your highness, vous elle voula you dido with un geld you snatcho from moi hotel room last notte ?"
"Pardon, Geld?" Spike frowned.
"Qui, mucho geld." Xander nodded his head.
"Mucho geld?" Spike asked.
"Qui, mucho" Xander replied.
"Nein, mucho geld." Spike protested. "Un petite geld."
Xander shook his head. "Nein petite, mucho."
Spike shook his head. "Geld was absolouto necessario to purchaseo und fine suito."
"Un geld was mucho necessario to purchaseo un lousy suito?" Xander asked incredulously.
"Qui," Spike nodded. "Absoluteo un necessario, un suito was un bargino."
"And was mosto impotante to impresso un impotante Mormon." Spike paused. "Un loaded, tycoono type Mormon."
Xander looked at Wells. "Elle schmuko here?"
"Nein, nein, my Mormon numeroro uno, type Mormon, mucho importante, elle schmuko is mien flunky."
"Qui, flunky." Spike grinned at Wells, Xander smiled. Wells nodded happily.
"Numero uno type Mormon loaded?" Xander asked.
"Qui, loaded." Spike confirmed. "Is un big wig, has Salt Lake City in un backo pocket."
Xander's eyes narrowed. "Tres interestino, what does elle flunky do?"
"Elle flunky majorino ass kisser to numero uno."
"Und has to asko, were vous thinking of cutting moi in un dealio?"
"Qui, iffen vous can keepen und mouth shuto."
"Moi keepen mouth shuto for fifty, fifty."
"Vous gotten un dealo." Spike agreed.
"Out of interestarino have vous given numero uno un poke?" Xander asked.
"Nein," Spike shook his head. "but is notto problemo, wives are tres uglio and numero uno is beggino for it."
Xander leaned back grinning. "Bon, bon." He turned to Wells. "Yes Sir the Duke assures me with his talented tongue, this is going to be a pleasant journey, short, sweet and richly rewarded."
Wells smiled. "How nice."