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You know they're doin' it
The Duke And The Dirtwater Fox 
19th-Nov-2009 11:12 am
Title: The Duke And The Dirtwater Fox (A VERY LOOSE S/X adaptation of the movie The Duchess And The Dirtwater Fox)
Warnings: HAU, M/M sex, humour, mild violence, swearing, angst, OOC, vague mentions of het sex, prostitution, varying chapter lengths. UNBETA'D. A little use of movie dialogue and songs.
Rating: NC17 overall, various chapters PG-NC17
Pairing: 100% S/X (With vague reference to X/OC, S/OC pre meeting.)
Author: Naughty_Fae
Comments: Comment if you want to, though it would be nice to know someone is reading it.
Disclaimer: I own nothing, everything belongs to someone who is not me. I write for fun not profit.

AN 1: Although Sunnydale characters have been used they are NOT necessarily in their Sunnydale persona's.

Note 1: This is set in the West of the 1880's, and it is not meant to be historically accurate. It mentions both the Mormon and Jewish faiths. This is fiction, it is a comedy, no disrespect is meant to either faith.

Note 2: My heartfelt thanks go out to my dear friend Bmblbee, for holding my hand through the writing and posting process. *Hugs*

Note 3: This is a plot driven story. What sex there is happens in the natural course of the plot and as part of Spike and Xander's relationship.

Summary: Xander Harris is a young, charismatic cowboy making his way gambling, petty thieving, womanizing and occasionally rustling through life. When he 'accidentally' steals $40,000 from the hapless Rayne gang, he and his clumsy, near-sighted horse Black Jack are forced to go on the run. He ends up in San Francisco, where he meets the handsome Englishman Spike 'Duke' Quaid, whore, con artist, bar tender and Saloon entertainer and their lives will never be the same.

Chapter 11/18 + Epilogue

Rating: NC17 Overall

Chapter 11/18 + Epilogue

Rating: NC17 Overall

'You can't hurry love'

Spike strolled into the saloon and looked along the bar for a likely mark. He spotted a middle aged man at the end who looked like a prospector and was the worse for drink, he took up position beside him. He had a good view of Xander playing cards with four cowboys, he nodded at him, Xander shook his head and looked at his cards

"Your two and three more." Xander put his money into the center pile. "Your three and five more." One of the cowboys bet. Xander nodded and Spike went into action. "You lousy bum! Coping a feel, what the hell do you think I am?" He swung at the startled prospector, drinks flew and people scrambled out of the way as Spike slapped at the bewildered man. The bar tender leapt over the bar and pulled Spike off. All the players except Xander turned to watch, Xander swapped one of the cards with the one up his sleeve.

" 'ere son settle down, old Jim didn't mean no harm. Have a drink on the house." The bar tender soothed Spike and the game resumed. "Ok stranger," one of the cowboys smiled. "let's see your cards."

"Full house, Aces over Kings." Xander grinned. Groans went around the table as the cowboys threw down their cards. Xander rose and picked up the money. "Thank you boys, been a real pleasure playing with you." He tipped his hat and the Three of Clubs floated onto the floor out of his sleeve. There was silence, Xander looked, one of the cowboys picked it up. "You drop that?" Xander asked. The table rose as one, Xander bolted for the back door, Spike rolled his eyes and kicked a chair into the cowboys so that they fell struggling in a heap, he turned and picked up his free drink and leaned on the bar.

Xander bolted up the street in the direction of the stage depot and dived inside. The startled clerk looked at him. "Give me the bag!" Xander wheezed.

"You got the money?"

"I got the damn money, now get the bag." Xander looked anxiously out of the door. The clerk unlocked the depository and fetched the bag, he looked for Xander, he was crawling on the floor, keeping out of sight. The clerk leaned over the counter and peered down, Xander reached up and handed him the money. "Hey what's going on here?" He scowled.

"Nuthin' just give me the damn bag." Xander instructed. "What's at stake here?" The clerk asked suspiciously. "Just my life!" Xander replied. The clerk yanked the bag back. "Your life? Well seems to me that ought to be worth another ten." Xander gave him the money and the clerk gave him the bag. Xander made for the door and whistled frantically, he looked back. "See the blond guy gets his ticket to Salt Lake." The clerk nodded. Xander leapt for Black Jack, just as the cowboys came into sight and spotted him. They began to run up the street shooting, Xander ducked in the saddle and they galloped up the street and turned sharp left.

Spike sauntered out of the saloon. Well, that was that, the cowboy should have got away and with any luck that was the last he'd see of him or his damn money. "There he is sheriff, that's the guy stole my money!" Spike spun round, the drunk, the sheriff and a couple of deputies were coming up the street, Spike ran, so did they.

Spike careered along the street ahead of the men chasing him as there were calls for him to stop.... Yeah like that was gonna happen. Spike ran, the posse ran and Xander galloped looking for the way out of town, he swung into the same street as Spike but a long way ahead of him. Spike saw him. "Harris! Harris! Stop!" Spike yelled and looked round seeing the men gaining on him. Jack skidded to a halt, Xander twisted in the saddle. "Help me!" Spike pleaded, Xander rolled his eyes and began to gallop toward him, Spike put his head down and ran toward the cowboy for all he was worth. Xander leaned over in the saddle and put his arm down. "Grab my arm and swing up behind me!" Xander yelled.

Now if they'd asked Jack he could have told them it'd never work. A horse's balance is a delicate thing, lean too far one way or the other and..... Well let's just say it's not pretty. Spike grabbed Xander's arm and swung, Jack's hind legs buckled as he struggled to stay upright and he sat down heavily on his hind quarters, both Spike and Xander crashed to the ground amidst a cloud of dust. Jack blinked at them, Xander and Spike glared. "Where were you?" Xander asked. "I've seen cowboys do this a thousand times," Spike hissed. "the bloody horse usually helps!" Bullets whistled passed their ears, Jack stood and Xander vaulted into the saddle and pulled Spike up behind, and they set off at a gallop. "What do we do now?" Spike asked. "I don't know!" Xander replied.

Spike scowled. "You don't know?" They swung left just the Rayne gang rode into sight at the end of the street ahead of them. Xander pulled up. "What about them?"

"Don't worry about them, they'll go anywhere we do." Xander swung Jack round and they galloped right.

It took them nearly twenty minutes to give everyone the slip and now the sheriff had the roads out of town guarded, they hid Black Jack in a darkened alley and walked up the street. When Ethan Rayne appeared ahead of them,they ducked into a hotel, through the lobby and up the stairs. Rayne thought he caught sight of them and gathered his boys together and marched into the hotel. Spike picked a room at random and they ducked inside.

They stopped and blinked, the room was crowded, filed with Jewish people celebrating a wedding. Xander turned to duck out but Spike yanked him back. One of the men wearing a kippah* on his head and a black and white tallit* round his shoulders turned and smiled at them. "Bride or groom?" He asked.

"Groom." Spike replied.

"Bride." Xander answered.

The man frowned. "Both." They replied in unison, the man nodded. "Here." He gave them each a kippah, Spike put his on, Xander took his hat off, put it on and then tried to put on his hat, the man smiled and took his hat, then he took hold of the bag. "What a lovely gift, the children will love it, of course it would be better if it were new," he shrugged and placed it on a table with other gifts. Xander tried to snatch the bag back, Spike dragged him away. "We'll get it later," he hissed." Xander whimpered as Spike pulled him to watch the wedding. The bride and groom were stood under a canopy stretched between four white, flowered columns, the Rabbi in front of them. "You Joshua have had the mazl* to find a fine girl like Ruth, may you both live to be a hundred and twenty."


"And you should have nachos* from your children."


Spike and Xander joined in the 'Amen's'.

"You should be healthy and strong."


You should have a good crop every year."


"And you should grow corn and barley, wheat and potatoes, carrots and turnips, radishes and beetroot, tomatoes and onions but not pickle."


"You should wear warm underwear on the range and not catch cold, God forbid."


"And God should protect you from rustlers and claim jumpers, the dirty bastards."


"Please put the ring on the bride's finger."

Joshua slipped the ring onto Ruth's finger.

"I now pronounce you man and wife."

A glass was placed near the groom's foot and he stepped on it and smashed it.

"*Mazel T'ov!" Everyone chorused.

*kippah- Skull cap, *tallit- prayer shawl, *mazal- luck, *nachos- joy, *mazal t'ov- good luck, well done.
19th-Nov-2009 11:43 am (UTC)
No, not pickle! Heavens forbid pickle! LOL. Are the vows from the movie too? Maybe I need to see this flick. Can't be as good as your version but
it sounds like a riot. Was this a Mel Brooks?
19th-Nov-2009 12:02 pm (UTC)
Most of the vows are from the movie. It's George Segal and Goldie Hawn. I saw it as a child and it stuck in my memory because of the horse. It's one of those movies with a few comic highlights and frankly, the rest is pretty dull. Not a fan of George Segal. I've embellished most scenes, especially the next one. I would urge you to see it though, if you can get a copy. The Rabbi is a scream!
19th-Nov-2009 04:14 pm (UTC)
Hell, why does the boys don't have the brain Jack has? *lol* Thanks for this funny update.
20th-Nov-2009 09:13 am (UTC)
If only they'd listen to the horse!
19th-Nov-2009 08:30 pm (UTC)
Yep, that is the outcome I kinda expected for their plans and the wedding ceremony.....hysterical. So much better than the movie.
20th-Nov-2009 09:14 am (UTC)
The next chapter is one of my favorites, simply because I could SEE Spike singing and dancing Hava Nagila all the way through! Lovely.
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