Rating: Adult for language and very brief M/M sexual content.
Disclaimer: The Bee owns nothing including the characters and
products named in this fanciful story.
Summary: AU. Xander is living in his own apartment when he
is invaded by a mouse. Although he often faces demons and vampires,
Xander has a particular fear of rodents and therefore enlists Spike to rid
him of the varment. Spike, who has his own aganda, accepts the challenge.
Authors note: This is a very short story that the Bee is offering up to
her loyal and wonderful readers as a Christmas gift of thanks.
Boo Boo Betaed by the patient and gracious Silk_labyrinth
Waves and winks to the wonderful Petxnd for the banner and a hug for her friendship
Xander paced. His wing of the apartment complex had just four units.
His was at the end of the hall directly across from Mrs. McHale. At
the far end were two more. One was a single mother and her young
daughter and facing it was the home of Toothless Pete.
Generally, Xander kept to himself. He wasn't one for coffee klatches in
the morning or cups of sugar passed pleasantly around. He was more a
'leave me the fuck alone' type of guy simply because normal, decent
folk had little understanding of the world of demons. That left gaping
holes in a conversation that usually went: "Good morning. My goodness,
Xander, what is that purple gooey stuff dripping off your nose?"
He had spent his arsenal of clever and ingenious responses early on and
now resorted to: "Got a cold." Or "I picked up a case of eggplant flu,
highly contagious. Stay away. Stay far away."
This evening, however, he was tempted to go door to door, pounding
on each and demanding to know which of them had sullied and contaminated
their joint home with the introduction of a vile and disgusting rodent.
If he could pinpoint the culprit, the health department would be notified
and their eviction demanded!
Well, maybe not the single mother. Her life was hard enough. Then there was
Mrs. McHale. She was a bit of a busybody but she was basically a good person.
OK, she got a pass. Then there was Toothless Pete. Xander avoided him at
all costs. His status as human was in question and Xander did not want the
answer but he assumed it had something to do with the fact that Pete's trash
was always full of empty wine bottles, Kit Kat wrappers and Tampax boxes.
He shuddered to think what THAT was all about. Some things are best left alone.
'Shit, health department is probably busy anyway.'
Glaring menacingly as he passed each door, Xander's feet never stilled. He
started at one end of the worn carpet runner and he nervously zipped to
the far end, turned, washed, rinsed and repeated as his hands alternated
between digging in his scalp and scratching his armpits.
All the time he moved, he continuously mumbled to himself in a vain
attempt to calm and rationalize his fears.
"Come on now, Xan, old man. What the fuck? I mean, you face huge,
thick-lipped, hairy-assed demons, monsters and vampires every night.
You battle things that could rip your head off in the blink of one of their
three or more eyes so why the hell are you afraid of a small, relatively
harmless mouse? Really, what is the worst a mouse can do?"
Xander stopped walking as he concentrated on the question. His fear of
the small, evil creature was so ingrained in him that he never stood back
and took an honest, objective look at it.
He sucked in a slow, deep breath and blew it out before lolling his head from
one side to the other and shaking his arms to shoo the tension from his
rigid body. When he felt more in control, he smiled and sighed.
'That's better.' he thought. 'Much better. Now, what exactly is a mouse?
Well, it's small, furry and can be killed in a variety of ways. You can flush
it, except that the little fuckers probably swim like Mark Spitz. Huh, still
can't believe that Spitz was gay. Course, he did look good in that Speedo!
Wait, where was I? Oh, yes, the fucking mouse. Well, you can always
just stomp on it and squish its crunchy little bones under your shoe. That
is if you can catch it. The little fuckers are fast as lightning. Darting here
and there and if you try to stomp on it and miss, you will only piss it off.
OH, GOD! Now he is mad! Then what? Then he jumps on you and runs up
the inside of your pant leg and bites you on the nuts!'
And there it was. The vague terror had been put into words and a mental
picture so graphic that Xander shrieked as he jumped around trying to
keep his feet off the floor as he swatted at the nonexistent rodent in
his jeans that was attempting to neuter him.
Suddenly he froze. His head snapped to the left and his eyes bugged huge
as saucers. 'SPIKE!' He had to warn his vampire! Spinning on his heels, Xander
dashed back down the hallway towards his apartment door, praying as he went.
'Please God, don't let anything happen to Spike's nuts!'
Skidding to a stop, he began pounding on his door with the flat of his palm and
"COVER YOUR BALLS, SPIKE. FOR GOD'S SAKE, SAVE YOUR BALLS!"
Frantic and focused, Xander never heard the slight 'click' as Mrs. McHale snapped
her deadbolt into place.
Spike jumped. The unexpected warning caused him to leap to his feet where
he cracked his head on the corner of the kitchen cupboard he had left standing
open. As the pain shot through him, he staggered back, lost his footing and with
his hands clutched protectively at his crotch and unable to catch himself, he
tumbled backwards and landed flat on his back on the floor with an "oomph!"
The sudden flurry of activity caused the small brown ball of fur to jump from
its hiding place behind the stove and rush toward the bedroom for safety.
Immediately, Spike scrambled to his feet and he ran for the door as his eyes
darted in all directions seeking the threat to his prized jewels.
Flying back through the living room, Spike jerked the door open.
"WHAT? What's after my balls?"
Xander was a jumble of thoughts and emotions. His eyes shot down to the
aforementioned balls and his dick wanted to wave its hands yelling 'ME!
Me! I'm after your balls.' Luckily, his dick didn't have hands. That took Xander's
brain on a path that led to, 'I heard once that there is a museum in London that
has all sorts of medical oddities. I wonder if anyone was ever born with a cock
that had hands. It really would be convenient. It could jerk itself off while I
work or drive or....'
"XANDER! My balls?"
The tinge of anger in Spike's voice snapped him out of his musings and when it
did, Xander was startled by Spike's appearance. His nose was red and swollen,
there was an obvious bump on the back of his head and his clothes were wildly
"Jesus, Spike, Oh, God, he is really giving you a fight isn't he? I knew it! I knew
this was no ordinary mouse. Well, you are doing a hell of a job, buddy. Now,
get back in there and get that little fucker!"
Xander immediately swung the door to slam in Spike's face before the demon
mouse could launch itself on him but at the last second, Spike's palm came up
to stop him.
"Now, don't forget our deal. You will pay me whatever I ask for when this is done,
right? No reneging."
Xander looked shocked and insulted.
"HEY! I'm no reneger! So go! Sic 'em!"
The door smacked him soundly in the forehead and Spike rocked back on his heels
to land flat on his back staring up at the ceiling.