Disclaimer: I own none, all belong to Joss Whedon
Comments: Always welcomed!
Summary: Xander goes to L.A when he finds out Spike is very much alive.
Warning/Spoilers: Takes place during S.5 of Angel a couple months after Damage.
Beta’d by: Silken Sky
Xander sat nervously in one of the chairs in Angel’s office, his mind still reeling. Not even twenty-four hours ago he had been in Africa looking for new slayers and now he was in L.A. He hadn’t checked his emails in months since wifi was a little hard to come by in certain parts of Africa, but as soon as he was in a small village that was a little more advanced then others he started to go through his hundred plus emails. It wasn’t until he’d spotted one from Andrew that he really got interested, though. Andrew had written him an email telling him about his trip to Los Angeles, and his run in with Spike. Spike who was suppose to be dead and buried in the crater that was once Sunnydale. Spike the vampire who had declared his love for Xander.
After Spike went down with the hellmouth, Xander had offered to go off on his own to find new slayers so that he wouldn’t have to be around all the people that were constant reminders of his vampire. So he put all his time and energy into finding girls and shipping them off to England. It had taken three months before Xander started to reply to any emails that had nothing to do with the council.
He looked down at his balled up fist, unclenching it to reveal a ring. It had belonged to William’s mother. When he had been turned and things didn’t go quite as planned with his mother’s turning, Spike had kept it as a reminder of the only person that had truly loved him when he had been human. The night before all hell broke loose in Sunnydale; Spike had pulled it out of a small wooden box and given it to Xander. Spike had said that except for Xander, it was the only valuable thing he had and he’d wanted Xander to have it.
“Why not, Blondie Bear?” Harmony’s voice rang into the office, “We had sex when you first got back!” She, Spike and Angel all walked into Angel’s office.
“Yeah Spike,” Xander clenched his teeth together. “Why don’t you sleep with Harmony again?”
Spike stood paralyzed at the sight before him. “Xan?”
“Xander what are you doing here?” Angel asked. “Did the council send you?”
“No, I just came to give Spike something.” Xander replied his eyes never leaving Spike’s shocked face. “I guess everything we went through in Sunnydale that last year meant nothing to you. Moved on to bigger and better things after you got resurrected. You couldn’t have let me know so I could have moved on instead of living in hell for the last seven months.” He tossed the antique ring to the vampire, “Here, I don’t want it. I don’t want anything from you.” He walked towards the open door pausing only to acknowledge Angel. “I hope you know what you’re doing here Angel. This place is bad news. I can feel it in my bones.”
“I know what I’m doing, everything is going to be fine,” Angel promised as he watched Xander leave the office. “Spike what the hell was that about?”
Spike still remained shell-shocked as he watched Xander disappear. “I screwed up, Peaches.” Was the only thing vampire said before chasing after Xander.
When Spike finally caught up to Xander, the human was trying to hail down a cab. He noticed that Xander was visibly shaking, from anger and pain. “Xanpet,” Spike called as he reached him.
“Don’t you fucking dare call me that,” Xander hissed at him, “Don’t you stand there and act like nothing has changed, everything has changed. You have this great fucking life while I was left with nothing!”
“Xan please let me explain,” Spike begged.
Xander scrubbed his face. He wouldn’t let Spike see his tears. He had cried so many for the loss of lover. “Explain what? You want to tell me how well you’re doing? Tell me how great the sex was with Harmony was? Did you ever even think about me?”
“All the time,” Spike whispered.
“Hey, are you looking for a cab?” A butch looking man had rolled down his passenger side window of his cab.
Xander stood looking at Spike before sighing, “No, thanks I’m good.” He didn’t notice the yellow cab drive off. “Let’s have it Spike. Let’s play ‘how is your life?’ Compare notes and all that.”
“Can we go back to my place? Talk in private?” Spike refused to look happy. Xander may have agreed to talk to him but that didn’t mean all would be forgiven and go back to how it used to be.
“Fine, whatever,” Xander agreed straightening his back.
“Where’s your stuff?” Spike asked. He’d noticed Xander didn’t have a bag with him in the law firm.
Xander turned back to Spike. “I left it all in Africa. I didn’t have anything that can’t be replaced. Can we just get this over with? I need to get back.”
“Yeah, my place isn’t far,” Spike answered. He prayed to whatever God may listen to a vampire that he could convince Xander to stay with him after all was explained.
Xander was shocked at the apartment Spike lived in. The brick walls were crumbling, the bed was on the far left of the room while the couch and television were on the far right. The kitchen was small but that was to be expected since Spike only had to worry about blood. It wasn’t really liveable for a human but Xander had stayed in worse places over the last year.
“Nice, you decorate it yourself?” Xander asked sarcastically.
“Xander I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.” Spike decided it would be best to get down to business.
“Bullshit,” was Xander’s reply. “You realised you got a second chance and decided you needed a change.” He wandered around the small apartment. “You didn’t give a rat’s ass that I thought I was going to die when Buffy told me you didn’t make it. I cut myself off from all of them, you know. The only time I would communicate with any of them was when I told them a slayer would be showing up. The thought of seeing them and knowing that I would never see you again was too hard.”
Spike pulled Xander into a hug, ignoring the other man’s struggles. “I missed you pet. It hurt so bloody much not to hold you, kiss you.”
Xander continued to fight even though he knew it was useless. “That makes sense with the whole not telling me you were back you ass.”
“I was scared,” Spike buried his face into Xander’s neck. “I went out a hero and came back for some unknown reason. It felt like it defeated the whole purpose of it. That going up in flames meant nothing.”
“You closed the hellmouth! You saved all of us and you think because you return that it doesn’t count? You’re such a fucking moron. Did you ever think that maybe you coming back was a reward?”
“Honestly, I didn’t know what to think. All I could think was what if I found you and you weren’t happy to have me back, that the last year was just because we were scared, that it was the end and you just needed someone.”
Xander dug his nails into Spike’s scalp. “You thought I was just fucking using you? That all the times I told you I loved you were lies?” Xander was seething. “If I was just looking for sex I’d have gone to Anya! Believe me she would have been more than happy to have another go with me!”
Spike winced in pain. He’d messed this up even more. “I knew you loved me back in Sunnydale, but everything changed after that. I was afraid maybe you found something better and I couldn’t bring myself to find out.
“So instead of even finding out you decide to sleep with your skanky ex girlfriend,” Xander finished.
“I’m a moron for even thinking it, I know.” Spike kissed Xander’s neck; he had missed the taste of his skin. “And a coward, for not going to fight for you if that was what needed to be done.”
Xander nodded in agreement, “You’re the biggest moron I know. Seven months we’ve been apart when we could have been together.”
“Can you forgive me, luv?” Spike mumbled into Xander’s neck. “Give me… give this another go?”
“I don’t know,” Xander answered honestly. “You have a life here and I’m in Africa.
“Screw L.A, I’ll move to a hell dimension if it means being with you.” Spike wasn’t about to let Xander walk away from him if there was something he could do about it, even if that meant working for the damn watcher’s council and tracking down annoying new slayers.
Surprise coloured Xander’s face. He had been sure that Spike would insist on him moving to L.A and helping Angel with his crusade. After everything that had happened with Spike in Sunnydale, Xander never imagined the vampire willing go back for more. “You’d really help the council look for more slayers?”
“No, I’d help *you* look for more slayers,” Spike corrected him. “I don’t give a piss about the watchers but if that is what it takes for me to be with you then I’ll just suck it up and deal.” Spike said truthfully. Anything he could do to make his pet happy he would do it.
“Is Angel going to be pissed that I’m taking one of his players?” Xander asked, not that he really cared either way. Spike was his, screw everyone else. He’d lost more than enough that he could be selfish this once.
“Don’t know and I don’t bloody care, I was getting sick of L.A anyways. It would be nice to do some more travelling,” Spike replied, he was sure Angel would be more than happy too see him leave the city, not to mention the country. “So when do we get the hell out of here?”
Xander was pleased at how eager Spike was to ditch his life to start over with him, maybe that truly meant the vampire wanted to be with him. Only time would tell, but he had a good feeling about it and that was good enough for him. “I’ll phone Giles and tell him we’ll need another plane ticket. I think I might even cash in on vacation time I have coming up.”
Spike couldn’t help the smile that spread over his lips, he was going to have his boy all to himself. “Sounds like a bloody good idea, any place you have in mind to travel to?”
“As long as I have you I honestly couldn’t care less,” Xander replied before pulling Spike in for a kiss. Sure, things might not be perfect yet but that didn’t mean he couldn’t have a little make out session with his vampire, right?
Spike wrapped his arms around Xander. Why had he been so afraid to track down Xander? Spike knew deep down that Xander would be more then happy to find out he was back, but the damn insecurity of his soul had made him doubt that.
“Xan?” Spike spoke quietly.
Xander looked Spike in the eye, “Yeah?”
Spike pulled out his mother’s ring, holding it between his thumb and index finger, showing it to Xander. “Will you accept this ring?” Spike held an unneeded breath.
Xander smiled and accepted the ring, grateful that Spike still wanted him to have it. “What do you say about some dinner? And you can tell me what you’ve been up too. You know, minus the whole Harmony sex-capade thing.”
Spike shuddered at just the thought of that. “That was not one of my finer moments. I’m pleading insanity on that bloody disaster.”
“Good because I would hate to think you preferred her in bed over me.” Xander was able to get the words out before he was picked and tossed onto Spike’s bed.
“What would you say if we skipped dinner and went straight for dessert?” Spike suggested as he pulled his shirt over his head and tossed it over his shoulder.
Xander grinned as he unbuttoned Spike’s jeans “I’d say that’s one of your better plans.”