Disclaimer: I own none, all belong to Joss Whedon
Comments: Always welcomed!
Summary: Spike contemplates on his relationship with Xander
Warnings/Spoilers: End of season 5 just after Buffy sacrificed herself to save the world
Song: “Thought I Died and Gone to Heaven” lyrics by Bryan Adams and Robert John
Beta’d by: Dragonfly_64
Spike ran a hand over Xander’s bare arm as he watched him sleep. This was all so new to him; he had never felt like this before.
Love is forever - as I lie awake
I believed - there's no heaven
No hideaway - for the lonely
The way Xander made him feel over the last few months was something he never even thought could exist.
But I was wrong - crazy
It's gotta be strong
It's gotta be right
He watched as Xander mumbled his name in his sleep and snuggled into his pillow. Spike never imagined that he would find one of the slayers friends so strong and brave with the biggest heart he’d ever met. Hell he never in a million years would have thought that a big heart would be a quality he would look for in a lover.
Only wanted to stay a while
Only wanted to play a while
Then you taught me to fly like a bird
Spike never thought that whatever he had going on with Xander would last as long as it had. After Buffy sacrificed herself to save her sister and the rest of man kind, Anya ran off leaving a heart-broken Xander and an equally heart-broken Spike. It didn’t seem so strange that they would console each other with each other’s losses. When they ended up in bed together, Spike decided that it was the best way to keep his mind off of Buffy. But it ended up being so much more.
Baby - thought I'd died and gone to heaven
Such a night I never had before
Thought I'd died and gone to heaven
Cause what I got there ain't no cure for
The first time they slept together it was hard and fast. The only word that Spike could use to describe it was animalistic. The second time though, it was different. Something Spike had never experienced before. When Xander touched him, even when he just kissed him it felt as if Xander was worshipping his body. That was how it was from that point on.
Ooo it's so easy
What you do to me all night angel
I never loved - I swear to God
Never needed no one, 'til you came along
Spike was sure he had been in love with Drusilla. She gave him a second chance at life; a chance to do it right. He was no longer the meek poet that was criticized his entire human existence. He owed the crazy seer everything that led up to this point in his life. If it hadn’t been for her, he never would have met Xander.
I feel fast asleep - I feel drunk
I dream the sweetest dreams
Never wanna wake up
He knew he could never tell Xander that he loved him for fear that he’d lose him. Maybe all his insecurities didn’t leave him when he died that night in the dirty alley. Spike could live with delusions that Xander loved him back and that his life was complete.
Never thought it could be this way
No doubt about it - can't live without it,
Never thought it could be this good
You made love to me - like it oughta be
Xander rolled over again, snuggling up to Spike’s body. He pried an eye open catching Spike starting at him. “Everything alright, Spike?” He asked worried that something was wrong.
“Everything is fine, luv.” Spike smiled assuring Xander that everything was alright and that his heart wasn’t breaking.
“Okay, Spike,” Xander said before falling silent making Spike think he had fallen back into a peaceful sleep. “Hey, Spike?”
Spike looked down to see both Xander’s eyes open. A shine in them that he never seen before. “Yeah, pet?”
“You know I love you right?” Xander asked softly.
“Now I do, Xander,” Spike leaned down kissing Xander’s temple. “I love you too.”
Xander gave a sleepy smile, “I already knew.”
“Go back to sleep luv,” Spike whispered.
“Kay,” Xander tucked his head under Spike’s chin.
Spike didn’t even mind that he wasn’t comfortable and that when he was able to move again he would be cramped. Xander loved him and that was all that mattered to him.
Thought I'd died and gone to heaven