bmblbee (bmblbee) wrote in bloodclaim,

Count Luffton

Author: BmblBee
Paring: S/X, AU
Rating: Adult NC17 for language and M/M sexual content.
Disclaimer: The Bee owns nothing including the characters and
products named in this story.
Warnings: Sex, violence and character death. Yes, the mouse
Summary: This story is a followup to Mouse but it is not necessary
to have read it. Xander brings Spike home to kill a mouse.
The mouse escaped and Spike stayed for the fun, games
and conflicts that S/X always get up to. One night Spike
gets more than a little drunk and does something stupid.

Comments: The last few stories have been drama and trauma. I felt
we needed some lighthearted fluff, comedy and stupidity.

Thanks to: Petxnd for her preread and suggestions and to Silk Labyrinth
for her betaing of boo boos. It should be noted that if any
irregularities remain it is due to the Bee's bullheadedness.

Additional warning: Those of you who feel my treatment of Buffy is irreverent
and disrespectful will find this chapter offensive. Chill. It's all in fun.

Buffy's heels tapped out a steady 'rappy tap tap' on the sidewalk as she
hurried toward home. It was the only sound in the dark of the night and
she was the only human(ish) brave enough or stupid enough to be out after
sunset wandering the streets of Sunnydale.

Hours had been wasted on the crazy orders to locate a monster mouse
that was reportedly stalking the human and dog population. Her expert
and extensive scrutiny determined that it was nothing more than a simple
mugging gone wrong in the cemetery and a misunderstanding in Willy's.

But it had given her time to bounce some ideas off Willow and despite
coaxing her friend, Willow had gone back to her own place with that case
of double A's tucked under her arm and a grin on her face. Buffy wondered
what sort of extra credit college project the redhead had going that needed
all those batteries.

Ultimately, since it didn't directly relate to her, Buffy decided she didn't care.
She had made the awkward decision to take drastic measures to try to find a
date. Past experiences told her that humans were too fragile and apparently
sensitive about it. Even after Dave's dick healed up, he still wouldn't answer
her calls. That, and the professor who was still in traction and the security
guard who claimed a pinched nerve had temporarily paralyzed his left side,
Buffy concluded demons might make a better choice.

It didn't matter to Buffy. Most demons had dicks. Even some of the females.

Once home, she kicked off her shoes, grabbed a danish and headed for the
den. There, she got comfortable, fired up the computer and munched the
pastry happily as Windows loaded and the screen popped up.

When the internet was open, she brushed the crumbs from her chin, plucked
one from her chest and dropped it in her mouth as a serious scowl wrinkled
her brow. She hunched over the keyboard and with two fingers, pecked
out the words into the search engine. She then punched
the word 'Enter' and commanded, "Go fetch!"

She stared and drummed her fingers as the results were displayed on her screen.
She made her selection and grinned wildly as the full-color page slowly downloaded,
displaying happy couples of all types of species. They held hands. They romped
on the beach. They fed on a herd of sheep. Buffy sighed. They had what she

She studied the way the couples seemed to be of mixed origin and she realized
that she was open to that. After all, she had experience with demons of all types
in her line of work and Buffy had never considered herself a racist or a speciesist.
And the good news was that, as the slayer, if the date went badly she could just
kill them and chalk it up to the hazards of the job.

With a happy squeal, Buffy leapt to her feet and ran to get her purse. She dumped
the contents on the coffee table and sorted through the stakes, holy water, expired
condoms, chewing gum, fifty-four cents and a spare pair of clean panties.


She located her Mastercard and ran back to the PC. She selected 'slayer69' as
her user name and her password was her phone number. Anything else was just
too difficult to remember. She then gave her credit card and clapped happily as she
was warmly welcomed into the loving arms of Tibbs, the proprietor and promiser
of perfect personal relationships. Only a few more steps and all the handsome
demons she could ever want would be kicking her door down and sweeping her
off her feet.


"WELCOME! You have joined the premier demon dating site in the both the
Northern Hemisphere and fifteen different dimensions. Please fill out the following
questionnaire honestly and completely to assist us in your perfect match."

Buffy frowned. She didn't know there was going to be a test. She hated tests.
The only way she passed her exams at school was to wear something very
low cut and her highest mini on test day. Buffy was not one to fuck with a
system that worked. Jumping up, she stripped off her clothes and sat back
down naked. Oh, yeah, she had them now.


1. Name: Buffy Summers. (She grinned. This wasn't so hard)

2. Age: Well, that depends. I think I have the boobs of a teenager even though
I am kinda past 20 but only a few months so, um 20? I don't think it is fair
to judge my age by the shape of my ass cause I swear I do those fuckin' lunge
thrusts all the time! I think saggy cheeks run in my family. So, yeah, um, 20.

3. Occupation: I am the one. The only girl in all the world who is born and bred
to be the slayer of vampires and all demons. I hope you won't hold that against
me when it comes to getting a date cause I haven't killed anything all week.

4. Do you consider yourself open minded?: Oh, hell yes. Especially after a
couple drinks.

5. What is your political position? (Buffy scratched her head in confusion)
Well, I never actually thought about combining politics and positions but
if I had to make a choice, I guess it would be Liberal doggy.

6. What kind of music do you like? The kind on the radio. I got one of those
I-Pod thingys for Christmas but I can't figure the fucking thing out.

7. Can you play a musical instrument? Yep, I am a whiz on the mouth organ.
Angel taught me. He made me practice for hours on his Hum-A-Zoo, but
now I think I am really good.

8. Can you cook? Not since the tin foil episode blew up my microwave.

9. What is your religious affiliation? Catholic when I am sneaking into St. Paul's
to refill my water guns. Jewish when I wear that cute little beanie that
Walowski lost under my bed and Protestant when my friend Xander was
at the church to get married. Of course he didn't and that went to shit fast
so maybe you better cross that one off my list.

10. Are you adventurous? Is that a code word for three-way? If so, I would
say yeah, except if it is boy-boy-me I have a slight issue with hemorrhoids
that we would have to work around.

11. Are you looking for short term casual or a long term relationship? Oh, long
term definitely! That short term shit is for the birds. I mean, sometimes it
takes me a good ten minutes to get off and if the guy just pops and poops
out, it really pisses me off. So, if longterm means more than an hour, yep,
that's what I want.

12. Do you value total honesty in a relationship? Hell no! And besides, all that
talk around town about me and that Octo-cock demon was just jealous
gossip. I swear to god I didn't know he was married.

13. Is personal appearance important to you? Why? Have you seen that mug
shot of me? It was all a misunderstanding! I have done my roots since then!
Those chaps and boots don't belong to me! That was a fake moustache! I
promise! I WAX!!

14. How would you describe a perfect evening first date? (Buffy squiggled
around on her chair. This was it. Time to be totally honest.)
Well, it would start with a bottle of wine and some candles. I would order
a bucket of Chinese and set the table. After dinner, I would put in a hot
gay porn flick to set the mood and I would put out the tingly hot oil. If things
go well, during the movie I would strip naked, fling my legs in the air and
oink like Petunia Pig through a couple of teeth rattling orgasms. After that,
a hot shower, a redress and I'm ready for my date to arrive.

Buffy sat back and exhaled a "whew." That had been more mentally taxing than
she had anticipated but at least she knew she had done her best and when she
reread over her answers, she was very pleased with herself. With responses like
that, a Brad Pitt looking demon would be knocking at her door in no time.

  • Bargain 28/?

    Title: The Bargain part 28 Author: Katharina (immortal_kat) Pairing: S/X Rating: NC-17 or Explicit Disclaimer: I do not own Buffy the Vampire…

  • The Love of the Bullied 14/?

    Title: The Love of the Bullied 14/? Author: Forsaken2003 Pairing: S/X Rating: R Disclaimer: I own none, all belong to Joss Whedon Comments: Always…

  • Bargain 27

    Title: The Bargain part 27 Author: Katharina (immortal_kat) Pairing: S/X Rating: NC-17 or Explicit Disclaimer: All characters are owned by Joss…

  • Post a new comment


    Anonymous comments are disabled in this journal

    default userpic

  • Bargain 28/?

    Title: The Bargain part 28 Author: Katharina (immortal_kat) Pairing: S/X Rating: NC-17 or Explicit Disclaimer: I do not own Buffy the Vampire…

  • The Love of the Bullied 14/?

    Title: The Love of the Bullied 14/? Author: Forsaken2003 Pairing: S/X Rating: R Disclaimer: I own none, all belong to Joss Whedon Comments: Always…

  • Bargain 27

    Title: The Bargain part 27 Author: Katharina (immortal_kat) Pairing: S/X Rating: NC-17 or Explicit Disclaimer: All characters are owned by Joss…