God damnit I'm Zeek (new_unchanged) wrote in bloodclaim,
God damnit I'm Zeek

Author: New_Unchanged
Title: All You Ever Wanted
Chapter: Day 14 of 28 of my Songfic Challenge, 5 of 5 of Brand New Series (WooHoo! halfway done)
Pairing: Spike/Xander
Rating: PG 13, Nothing Exciting, but I use harsh language
Concrit: Comments only
Disclaimer: I own none of the characters, the lyrics to the songs, or anything else.
Warnings: M/M Pairing, but this is a Spander Community so....
Summary: Xander’s relationship makes him choose between his happiness and someone elses.
Notes: The Song used for this day is Okay I Believe You But my Tommy Gun Don’t- Brand New. I didn’t add lyrics because it threw off the rhythm
Beta(s): Spike_1790

Challenge: Write a Songfic a day for the entire month of February. Based on a prompt from Lady   Q: Write a story or a series of stories based on the 25 most played songs on your ipod. Songs can be shuffled or in order up to the writer.

Author’s note: Originally written as a nonSpander story. Tweaked it.

I'm heaven sent,
Don’t you dare forget.
I am all you've wanted,
What all the other boys all promised.
Sorry I told. I just needed you to know.

“Get out of my room, you cold insensitive bastard!” Spike screams, as he gathered Xander’s laundry off the floor and throw it at him.

“I thought you loved me! Do you honestly believe I would hurt you for any reason!” Xander pleaded. “You need to understand, breaking up is the best thing I can do for you. I love you too much to see you destroyed…”

“Oh, and breaking my heart doesn't hurt? Isn't that the one thing you promised? That you'd never hurt me? Well, fuck that Xander, you just broke that promise.”

I think in decimals and dollars.
I am the cause to all your problems,
Shelter from cold. We are never alone.
Coordinate brain and mouth.
Then ask me what it's like to have
myself so figured out.
I wish I know.

“I wish you'd stop crying; It’s not going to help the situation. You see I've been thinking this over in my head. I wish this wasn't the only option we have left.”

“The day when giving up is our last hope, then that's the day I quit!”

“Look its either my job or our relationship! I can’t in good conscience decide to ruin this for the girls. We're Screwed. Angel warned us, being gay would either end up ruining the group by tension in the group, or by something in our lives. I want to kill the the guy who told my boss that I was gay. They screwed us!”

“So its love or money, and you chose money!”

“Spike, its just not our decision! Do you want to tell Dawn and Buffy that we'd rather be fuck buddies then help them keep what’s left of their family together?”

“Whatever. Just leave now,” Spike said, glaring at Xander through tear stained eyes.

“Like I wasn't upset enough before. Isn't life great… It waits till your hands are tied, then fucks you up the ass!”

I hope this song starts a craze.
The kind of song that ignites the airwaves.
The kind of song that makes people glad
to be where they are,
With whoever they're there with.
This is war.
Every line is about,
who I don't want to write about anymore.

Unfortunately the only thing keeping Spike sane these past few days while the fate of his heart was up in the air, was writing stupid love poems. All of them about Xander.

“Free will, my ass. The only right you have is the freedom to do what everyone else is doing,” Spike muttered to himself.

Hope you come down with something
They can’t diagnose, don't have the cure for.
Holding on to your grudge.
Oh it's so hard to have someone to love.
And keeping quiet is hard.
'Cause you can't keep a secret
If it never was a secret to start.
At least pretend you didn't want to get caught.

Spike wished Xander would just die. Maybe not him physically, but whatever part of him that's inside him, nagging Spike.

“It's all your fault you know. You were always horny; we could never go anywhere without making out. I was beginning to think your hand was a natural appendage under my pants,” Spike said to the imaginary Xander.
“Then again I'm the one who'd stumble around town screaming my love for you…Who would have thought I would cause a scandal without doing anything evil?” Spike scoffed. “Giles hangs out with teenagers. Willow tried to end the world. Dawn steals. Buffy acts like she’s 16. Yet our behavior is unacceptable. You have to love this society. It took the one thing I was proud of. The one thing I needed. The only thing I have to keep me sane. The only thing I ever wanted, and the kill it for me. Fuckers.”

Oh, we're so c-c-c-c-c-controversial.
We are entirely smooth.
We admit to the truth,
We are the best at what we do.
And these are the words you wish you wrote down.

Xander was at a loss on what to do. He knew what his heart wanted, but he really couldn’t see being happy with Spike if it meant Buffy and Dawn would suffer. It annoyed him that Buffy and Dawn never once told him to follow his own happiness. It annoyed him that he was the only one outside Anya and Giles with a real source of income.

When did Xander become the adult in the group? It sucked, supporting a family that he didn’t get the fun of making. He knew he would give anything for the girls, but wasn't it time for someone else to be responsible?

Wasn’t Giles getting paid to be Buffy’s watcher? That should mean they gave him money to keep her stable and focused. Even his construction site had a budget for fixing the site’s tools.

Which brought him to the real problem at hand. Wasn’t it illegal for him to be fired based on his sexual orientation? Since when did being gay affect his ability to run his construction projects?

Xander collected his thoughts and wrote down rational statements and outlined his thoughts. He resolved to sort this out the next day at work.

This is the way you wish your voice sounds,
Handsome and smart.
Oh my tongue's the only muscle on my body
That works harder than my heart.
And it's all from watching TV,
And from speeding up my breathing.
Wouldn’t stop if I could.
Oh it hurts to be this good.
You’re holding on to your grudge.
Oh it hurts to always have to be honest
With the one that you love.
Oh, to let it go.

Xander spoke to his boss the next day and tried to sound calm and collected as he made his arguments.

“Look, I know I can’t fire you for being gay. I personally don’t give a fuck for who you get it up for; I only care about how the site runs. Right now half the crew doesn’t want to work for you. They’re afraid you’ll tackle them and make them gay. I know it’s stupid. I know you’re a good employee. I need you to either quit or basically bring a girl to the bar after work and prove your manhood,” Xander’s boss explained exasperated.


“Or I fire you. California is an “at will” employment state. I don’t have to give a reason for firing you as long as I don’t block your unemployment from going through. No one who works here will back up any claims of discrimination, so take your pick.”

Xander knew his back was against a wall. He didn’t really care. He wasn’t going to make a scene or make up a fake life for some homophobes.

“Will you at least give me a good letter of recommendation?”

“Of course Harris. You’re a good kid. I can’t guarantee that another site will hire you once the word spreads.”

We’re concentrated on falling apart.
We were contenders, not through in the fight.
I was just wanted to believe, I just want to believe,
I just want to believe.
We're concentrated on falling apart.
We were contenders, not through in the fight.
I was just want to believe, I just want to believe,
I just want to believe, in us.

“You know, Buffy, I really wanted to believe that you would be happy for me. That you would understand that I deserve my happiness.”

“You can be happy, but what about us? It makes you happy to leave us high and dry? What about Dawn? Don’t you care about what happens to her?” Buffy screamed.

“Buffy you took the same classes in school I did. In fact you have a couple semesters of college under your belt. You are just as capable, if not more so, of getting a job and taking care of your life.”

“Yeah, so I can save the world and flip burgers for my troubles.”

“I don’t know where you got this idea that you were entitled to a free ride, but don’t look at me to give it you anymore. Things are too tough- call Giles.”

This is the craze that only we can bestow.
This is the price you pay for loss of control.
This is the break in the bend;
This is the closest of calls.
This is the reason you're alone,
this is the reason you breathe.

“This is so unfair!” Spike exclaimed.

“That's life!”

“I wasn't talking about life, I meant all this sodding bullshit. Why can’t this be easy? Why should it be us against your friend’s happiness?” Spike whined.

“It’s the test of manhood,” Xander offers, “to see if you can handle the pressure and pain of love; to see if you can remain completely unselfish for someone else's sake.”

“I’d do that for you Xander. You're the only reason I breathe, you're my future, my sanity, and my desire…”

“I feel the same; but can we stay in love when our superiors and closest friends here want to destroy us, and kill our love?”

Spike just scowled.

“This is as close to murder as anyone can get- removing someone's will to live.” You could hear the pain in Xander’s voice.

“So that’s it, you give up?” Spike said angrily.

“No I just wanted you to know that.”

“I really hope you’re right, because I believe you with all my heart.”

“I just want to believe in something static. Like our love. All I need to believe is us.”

“So now what, Pet? Now that the happy family show is over and the Kumbayahs are sung?”

“We move Spike. We pursue our own happiness.”

I just want to believe in us

That’s all it took to cement our hearts, that one small oath.

It will now be tattooed on our minds forever.

It’s the single thought we’ll have in our head during sex.

It’s what we’ll thank god for everyday.

It’s the epitaph for our collective soul.

It’s our fairy tale ending.

We’ll live happily ever after. No matter what tries to splits up.

We will always love each other.

That's the bottom line.


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