Title: Because of You
Chapter: Day 21 of 28 of my Songfic Challenge
Pairing: Spike/Xander
Rating: PG 13, Nothing Exciting, but I use harsh language
Concrit: Comments only
Disclaimer: I own none of the characters, the lyrics to the songs, or anything else.
Warnings: M/M Pairing, but this is a Spander Community so....
Summary:Based on a prompt from Lady Q: June Monthly Challenge: write a story where Xander confronts his father about the abuse and his lost childhood
Xander took a deep breath and steeled himself for the conversation he was about to have in his old home. After years of dealing with the trauma of his childhood with the love and support of his partner Spike. Xander was finally ready to confront his demons.
I will not make
The same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
'Cause my heart so much misery
Xander wasn’t expecting tears and hugs and forgiveness. He knew better than that. He was expecting drunken rage, fumbled attempts at throwing a punch, and hate filled tyraids. What he hoped for was a quiet goodbye before his parents evacuated with the rest of Sunnydale.
I will not break
The way you did, you fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far
So Xander went in he talked to his father. He talked about the abusive words and the drunken threats he made to a child. He talked about why he was afraid to have more than one beer ever in a night. He talked about what is like growing up in a home where he knew he wasn’t loved.
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
He talked about missed softball games, and graduations, and concerts and plays. He talked about missing out on man to man talks. He talked about not having friends over. He talked about spending birthdays and holidays outside because he couldn’t stand the fighting.
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you, I am afraid
He talked about how he lets women walk all over him because he doesn’t want to turn out like his dad. He talked about the wedding.
I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
He talked about his depression and his suicidal thoughts from his teen years. He talked about his feelings of inadequacy.
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh, everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with
He talked about hiding his home life from his teachers and his friends. He talked about hidding the truth from himself.
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
He talked about growing up without a moral compass. He talked about discovering on his own what it meant to be a man. He talked about waking up and looking himself in the eye in the mirror every morning.
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you, I am afraid
He talked about overcoming his fear of failure and getting a good job. He talked about discovering self worth. He talked about his friends and his found family.
I watched you die, I heard you cry
Every night in your sleep
I was so young, you should have known
Better than to lean on me
He talked about closure and scars that wouldn’t heal. He talked about coping. He talked about bruises and broken bones. He talked about moving on from it all.
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
Because of you
He talked of gratitude. He thanked his dad for making him learn to live with nothing. He thanked his dad for teaching him as a teen how to support himself. He thanked his dad for teaching him how not to act. He thanked his dad for being the example of how not to live, love and interact with the world.
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Then they talked about goodbyes. They talked about getting the hell out of each other’s lives. They talked about how they are both better off without the other.
Because of you
I tried my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Then Xander talked about being gay. There was no more talk after that. Just being thrown out on one’s ass.
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you, I am afraid
Xander went home, and embraced Spike. He didn’t have to talk, Spike understood. He just sat there crying in silence letting his lover hold him. He didn’t feel ashamed or guilty, and for the first time in his life he wasn’t afraid.
